Glad I found your thread, I always read something insightful. I appreciate the discussion on how to handle the worry and the doubt, because that's my struggle as well. You are doing so well, with H, with the weight, and with your own attitude, I can only hope to do as much. Congrats!
Quote: my fear seemed to enlarge the fear he was grappling with, my hopelessness seemed to deepen his sense of hopelessness, my fiery emotions seemed to ignite his kerosene soaked emotions
Pam, Shiny and Opt. Thanks for dropping by last night. Always nice to know you're there at the ready.
Well H got home five minutes after I finished posting. He was gone exactly two hours.
I put on my smiley face and he came over and kissed me on the neck and said "What's up?". "What do you mean what's up?" "You had a look on your face." "That was a smile." "Yea, but you had a look on your face when I came in."
Oops.
He said all that in a perfectly happy tone while hugging and kissing me.
Okay so now I'm really curious.
So I says...Did you go to the other house, (a relatively safe question now) hoping to get him to open up about his whereabouts. He answered "no". Tap, tap...sigh. He then explained that he went to a few different stores looking for a bike for his nephew and then stopped off at a buddies house and had a beer with him.
Okay, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
Then he tells me about this massive dog his friend has and shows me the paw prints said massive doggy left on his jeans. Okay, he's probably telling me the truth. I'll give him the benefit...
Cut to the evening. We're watching a documentary about John Lennon, his life and his music.
I can't remember exactly which song it was, but it was a love song and I hear my H singing along with it. I'm watching the television screen throughout.
After the song is over, I hear my H saying "I was singing that to you".
Slowly I swivel my head around.
"I was singing that to you AND trying to get your attention".
Okay, who is this guy? This has got to be a double, a pod person. My H doesn't do this sort of thing.
I did a big "ahhh, I'm sorry I missed it...that's really nice".
Oh but it gets better....
So out of the corner of my eye, I'm watching for my H to start singing to me again. I'm NOT missing out again. No way!
Then the song "Jealous Guy" starts up. You guessed it, H starts singing to me.
To refresh the memory of those, (who like me) have lost some of the lyrics in the dark void of years long past...
I was dreaming of the past And my heart was beating fast I began to lose control I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
I was feeling insecure You might not love me anymore I was shivering inside I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
I was trying to catch your eyes Thought that you was trying to hide I was swallowing my pain I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy, watch out I'm just a jealous guy, look out babe I'm just a jealous guy
He locked his eyes on mine with an expression of deep sincerity and affection whenever the phrases I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you came up.
I smiled sweetly at him thinking "Gosh, it's almost as if he means what he is singing" and as the song ended, I turned my head back toward the screen. Then I hear my H say, "And I mean it".
I look back at him. "Really?" H shakes his head and says "yes". "You mean what you were singing just now?" I squeaked. With eyes soft and peaceful, he replies "Yes, I really mean it".
I could only smile "thank you" at him as I was applying a strangle-hold around my eyes to keep a bunch of sappy tears from leaking out.
This is the first truly unselfish, love-filled, "I'm not just saying this to shut you up" kind of apology I have received from him.
No need to spell out to you, my bb buddies, just how much I've longed for - NEEDED - to hear those words.
I never imagined that he would sing them to me though.
Thank you John Lennon. You just keep bringing peace into the world.
Hi Jeannine,
Glad to hear all about the good things in your updates.
Here's a little twist on the not being there when they get home routine that may get him thinking of breaking some of his patterns. As a caretaker, I know its tough on you to get out sometimes, but what if you slipped out into the backyard as he came home or something, so he would come home and have to search an "empty" house looking for you. Maybe you could time it so it looks like you're coming back from a neighbor's when he finds you. Just offer a simple, "Oh...you're back?" like you're lost track on long he's been gone.
The feeling he gets while looking for you might be unnerving enough for him to start sharing more of where he's gonna be.
I like Shiny's term of "flashbacks" ... like a reflex. Don't react to them and it will pass. In time they will become less frequent and slowly fade away. Its a natural part to the adjustment you are making from survival mode you were in just a short time ago to the much better place you are now. Instead of jet-lag ... its DB-lag. It just takes a little time to adjust and get comfortable again.
As I mentioned on your new thread here in "Piecing" , I was getting worried because I couldn't find you in "NewComers".
I really hope that I can be a support for you as you have been for me in all these months. Your strength and unwavering resolve has been an inspiration to many of us here on the bb.
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I feel more positive just reading through some of the thoughts and comments here in that there is light ahead. Not every bad thought I have will come true. I like to hear that flashbacks disappear, and maybe soon I will receive, or be able to ask for, some of the confirmation I'm looking for.
I am so HAPPY for you to have this happen, to hear this, it gave me goosebumps!!!!!!
Do you remember back when your H was going to move out? Not the same lady anymore are you? It seems so strange looking back and thinking this is still you, just the new and improved you!! The much stronger Jeannine than she ever had any idea that she was, to handle so much more than she would have ever guessed! I am so glad this journey has went this direction for you, and very much hope I can join you some day.
{{{Jeannine}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Instead of jet-lag ... its DB-lag. 
It just takes a little time to adjust and get comfortable again.
