I kept away from H today, no calls, nothing. Had a blow up with my best friend because she confessed H called her last week asking for help cause he felt I was hitting a low. She tried to coach him and didnt want to tell me so I wouldnt believe he wasnt spontanious or anything. When she told me today, all I said "you are lying too?". VERY uncalled for and unfair. She bursted into tears and was very upset. The other 2 of our group of 4 called me and told me to woman up and stop going nuts. They forced me out for a coffee where nothing was dicsussed about me and H. They made sure I knew they are all there to support even if I decided to end my M now. They didnt say one word. I just knew.
During our coffee H sent me a message saying "I love you and I wont quit". I replied it seems I am the issue now, not him and he replied I am not an issue, just normal but that we wouldfigure it out.
Later he called at home and urged me to make arrangements to issue passports for the kids. Poeple are striking here, those in public services, and we may not make it in time. I was thinking I dont want to go anyway. I feel so down and tired, the prospect of being with him trying to avoid triggers and thoughts for 3 days non stop seems very exhausting. I told him I would rather not go. He insisted and when I said No he agreed.
An hour later he called and said "no, I wont take no for an answer, it's a mistake, we will go and we will have a good time". I told him I would rather use the time to relax and decide my next steps. I told him maybe if we decide to do something (D) the 40 days he will be away will be good timing. He said such an option isnt in his head.
He got upset when I insisted and we started talking. I told him my feelings, discussed my obsessions, my fears.
He told me he understands but what he has kept into his heart and mind are my words outside the MC one night "if we make it, we will become the best possible, most valuable example/role model couple to our kids, that we are human and that love and forgiveness can beat all the odds".
He said he believes we will make it and that he doenst know why this time I have gotten so discouraged right when things were looking up. I explained, described, talked. I told him I am driven by the need to just stop the pain. That maybe all my efforts for 3 years really wore me out and I didnt know and now, I am not capable to "fight" anymore.
He told me to talk to an IC, take pills do anything in my powers to get out of this because our R is so important to give up on it now. I asked him how can I soothe myself knowing that he had an affair 6 years in our M, after getting together under ideal circumstances, how can I stop worrying down the road, with a traumatized R and a huge scar, the temptations that will exist wont look even more inviting? I told him I loved him so much in the past and all the years we've been together, being with him and not loving as much, loving HIM less, hurts me.It's not how I want to be with my man. He said he loves me/loved me but feels/knows he will love me much more. He feels capable and willing and able. I asked why? I asked him why now? He said "because you deserve it. More than any other woman I know you deserve to be loved unconditionally". I told him I always deserved that. He said yes but he couldnt. I asked him why and what has changed. He said "so many good and bad things happened in his life at that time that he wasnt able to deal with or worthy to appreciate". He said, the three years I keep reffering to as his escape/fun years, for him, when he thinks about them, are years he wasted, years he missed so much from our lives. He said for him, those years are mistakes, series of bad choices he regrets deeply.
I'm sorry, but it sounds kind of like you're feeling sorry for yourself now.
We ALL knew when we chose to fight for our M's that it would be hard. Some days I HATE my life too, but I chose to stay & that's what I'm doing.
From the outside looking it, it just sounds like you are helping yourself to be miserable. I totally understand the hurt you are feeling. My H has cheated on me at LEAST FOUR times, but I chose to stay & that's what I'm doing.
Do you realize how many people over in Newcomers who would ABSOLUTELY KILL to be in your position & you are willing to throw it away now??!!
I apologize if I'm way out of line here, but it just looks to me like you have a husband who loves you deeply and is willing to do just about ANYTHING right now to make your M work & you're WANTING to just THROW IT AWAY.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
"because you deserve it. More than any other woman I know you deserve to be loved unconditionally".
That, right there, more than anything else he has said, is the key. He now has the blinders removed and knows what he did and what he needs to do. Let him!
It's going to take time to heal the wounds, but he is trying. You know you would regret it K if you threw the chance away.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You need to stop this now. You are wallowing. You are allowing negativity to control you, and frankly, it is not like you, Maria! Yes, you should go with him on the trip. When we promised to love our husbands, and they promised to love us forever, and to stand together for better or worse, we didn't know what we were saying. It was a promise, but it was meaningless because we had never been through the bad stuff, we didn't know how hard it could be. Now, after the affair, now we know. When we promise now, it means much more. The promise from him means more with the knowledge of the mistakes than it could ever mean without that knowledge. Yes, forgiveness is hard. That is your problem, you won't, or you think you can't, forgive. But you have to. There is no choice, you can't get on with your life unless you do.
Maria, you are doing such a good job having heart to heart conversations with him. It is time that you believed him.
I must say that I am not surprised by the dynamics. One person pulls away and it causes the other to want them more. But I think it may be a bit different with your H in that he is truely concerned for your sake and not his own desire to have you.
It seems that he has learned from his mistakes and is really wanting to keep his changes. How about the changes you did when he wanted out - are you continually trying to better yourself or do you just want to quit?
You are going through some troubled times in your mind. These will not last. Stick it out. Go on the trip. There will be enough to keep your mind occupied with just the kids on the trip. I agree with Michelle - make new memories.
This is from MWD's blog. I was looking for what she says about forgiveness, but I couldn't find it. I remember that the section on forgiveness in the Divorce Busting book helped me when I was having trouble with it. But this is good too:
"Criteria number three: your goals need to be broken down into small doable steps. Things that you can accomplish in about a week or two. Too many people make grandiose goals that they don’t accomplish for six months or a year and that’s discouraging. So if you break them down into something you can do in a week or two, there’s nothing that breeds success like success. Let me give you an example.
I was working with a woman who discovered that her husband had been unfaithful and she wanted to stay married. I asked her about her goal, she said she wanted to have complete faith and trust in her husband again. Well, hello – that might happen a year from now or two years from now. So I asked her, what would be the very first sign that things are moving in the right direction. She told me that they weren’t even talking to each other, so the first sign would be that they would sit down and and begin to discuss what happened. Even if the conversation didn’t go very well and there were hurt feelings, she would be able to tell they’re moving in the right direction because they were communicating again. So make sure that your goals are broken down into small doable steps."
See to me, I really feel your behavior is normal and to be expected.
I really think you guys rushed moving him back him, it was to early. There was stuff to be discussed and addressed, IMO. Now you are not sure if your want to stay married and it's even worse b/c he is back in the house.
So I guess that leads me back to an important question. Can you see your self in a healing relationship with hubby? Or do you think you will be happier D'ed?
Wondering what is on your mind.
I personally think- How could you not feel this way.
I know others feels you should not sink into a depression. I think you have to feel the misery before true healing occurs, it that makes any sense.
I still think your husband's action and behavior will lead the direciton of this relationship. If he can put in the hard work and really prop you up when you need it than maybe it can work. If he is not supportive of you then I think he is toast, IMO....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't think there is anything he can say to justify or explain his past behavior. It was pure selfishness on his end, my thoughts.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
"I asked him how can I soothe myself knowing that he had an affair 6 years in our M, after getting together under ideal circumstances, how can I stop worrying down the road, with a traumatized R and a huge scar, the temptations that will exist wont look even more inviting?"
For whatever reason.. you just do.
That tie.. is it really healthy?
I don't honestly know.
What I do know.. is that you have fought me every time I told you to stop.. and give up.
Why?
"He told me he understands but what he has kept into his heart and mind are my words outside the MC one night "if we make it, we will become the best possible, most valuable example/role model couple to our kids, that we are human and that love and forgiveness can beat all the odds"."
You know.. I answer my own questions.
That statement totally sound's Forrest Gump'ish.
Maria.. you are done leading now.
You wanted this.. you "needed" this.
Stand back.. be quiet.
"See" if this is what you want.
You are in control.. make sure that you want to be.
Right now.. more than ever.. if you want to reset things.. all you gotta do is say the words!
Big as$ circle.
All this.. cause you wanted it!
What ya gonna do?
It's time for a change!
I am not the guru.. you are.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
