I kept away from H today, no calls, nothing. Had a blow up with my best friend because she confessed H called her last week asking for help cause he felt I was hitting a low. She tried to coach him and didnt want to tell me so I wouldnt believe he wasnt spontanious or anything. When she told me today, all I said "you are lying too?". VERY uncalled for and unfair. She bursted into tears and was very upset. The other 2 of our group of 4 called me and told me to woman up and stop going nuts. They forced me out for a coffee where nothing was dicsussed about me and H. They made sure I knew they are all there to support even if I decided to end my M now. They didnt say one word. I just knew.
During our coffee H sent me a message saying "I love you and I wont quit". I replied it seems I am the issue now, not him and he replied I am not an issue, just normal but that we wouldfigure it out.
Later he called at home and urged me to make arrangements to issue passports for the kids. Poeple are striking here, those in public services, and we may not make it in time. I was thinking I dont want to go anyway. I feel so down and tired, the prospect of being with him trying to avoid triggers and thoughts for 3 days non stop seems very exhausting. I told him I would rather not go. He insisted and when I said No he agreed.
An hour later he called and said "no, I wont take no for an answer, it's a mistake, we will go and we will have a good time". I told him I would rather use the time to relax and decide my next steps. I told him maybe if we decide to do something (D) the 40 days he will be away will be good timing. He said such an option isnt in his head.
He got upset when I insisted and we started talking. I told him my feelings, discussed my obsessions, my fears.
He told me he understands but what he has kept into his heart and mind are my words outside the MC one night "if we make it, we will become the best possible, most valuable example/role model couple to our kids, that we are human and that love and forgiveness can beat all the odds".
He said he believes we will make it and that he doenst know why this time I have gotten so discouraged right when things were looking up. I explained, described, talked. I told him I am driven by the need to just stop the pain. That maybe all my efforts for 3 years really wore me out and I didnt know and now, I am not capable to "fight" anymore.
He told me to talk to an IC, take pills do anything in my powers to get out of this because our R is so important to give up on it now. I asked him how can I soothe myself knowing that he had an affair 6 years in our M, after getting together under ideal circumstances, how can I stop worrying down the road, with a traumatized R and a huge scar, the temptations that will exist wont look even more inviting? I told him I loved him so much in the past and all the years we've been together, being with him and not loving as much, loving HIM less, hurts me.It's not how I want to be with my man. He said he loves me/loved me but feels/knows he will love me much more. He feels capable and willing and able. I asked why? I asked him why now? He said "because you deserve it. More than any other woman I know you deserve to be loved unconditionally". I told him I always deserved that. He said yes but he couldnt. I asked him why and what has changed. He said "so many good and bad things happened in his life at that time that he wasnt able to deal with or worthy to appreciate". He said, the three years I keep reffering to as his escape/fun years, for him, when he thinks about them, are years he wasted, years he missed so much from our lives. He said for him, those years are mistakes, series of bad choices he regrets deeply.
