"H told the MC that I don't seem to want to work on M because every time he tries to bring up R for discussion I change the subject. I responded as honestly as possible that I don't feel the need to hear him remind me of his feelings."
What did the C say about that? That was really good stuff right there! If you said it.. the way you said it here.. Good Stuff!! He is pointing out you are not playing his "drama" game. This is confusing him some. Seems like he is saying you used to play the game with him. You are not the one that has to "work" on the marriage.. last I checked he wanted out.
"This has really set us back. H feels like such a failure and is tortured by the fact that I was not very supportive."
To address this.. be honest.
H about last week.. When you called me I was very upset about the kids being unaccounted for. I understand it was an accident and I let my anger get the best of me.. and I took it out on you. I know this was not an intentional act on your part. I love you and the kids and I never want anything bad to happen to any of you.
Something like that..
"Am I just paranoid since seeing all the posts about another LBS H getting on here? Is there a keylogger tracking me right now? I have no room in my emotions for paranoia. That would be way too exhausting! Maybe it doesn't even matter. This site has given me amazing support and perspective. H should be glad I am sharing things here and not with in our circles of folks in person."
Well.. if he is reading.. or logging.. and still got you the laptop.. I gotta think that is a good thing. Anything a logger picks up.. is not usable in court. Unless you click on something that allows you to be tracked.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
He smiled and nodded. Then he asked H if he ever "pursues" me to request we keep talking, or bring it back up later after I have had time to think. H said (truthfully) "no". I have stopped following him around the house to try to talk. I guess I thought that was a big change. MC is right in that the huge change would be H following me around the house to talk! The exchange was as I typed it. It sure didn't feel like "good stuff" when it was happening. I was so upset to hear him say that I wasn't giving effort! This whole thing is so hard.
Ooooh, I like that response. It is honest and not just about the kids. I will use that, or something very close.
What kind of thing could be clicked on to allow tracking?
I am sorry to hear things are so stressful as you try to study for finals. Further education is for YOU, and you should be able to focus when you need to.
This is pure gold! I am going to remember this forever
Yes, I think about it very often! I seem to be able to pick out when I am the broke GPS pretty easily, still working on avoiding it altogether.
Quote:
telling him anything just means he gets more entrenched in his position. I'm now showing him, instead of telling him.
That, right there, just about sums up my position on all of this! I don't want to hear him talk about our R because he isn't going to convince me he's right, but he just might convince himself!
Best of luck to you PEI, I've been following your thread too.
"It sure didn't feel like "good stuff" when it was happening. I was so upset to hear him say that I wasn't giving effort!"
If I told you I thought you were ugly.. would you believe me? You are posting here.. making every effort to try and salvage what you have. You are going to C.. with him. You have not told his sorry ass that if he wants out.. he needs to go. Don't you dare let him tell untruths!! Just because he is your H does not give him the right to make up crap! Be firm with situations like that.. FIRM.. not angry!
I am Sorry that you feel that way H. I truly think we have a chance and I am putting forth my best effort. If I am not meeting your expectations.. please let me know where I am slacking.
Never point a finger at someone with your words. Well unless you are me.
"What kind of thing could be clicked on to allow tracking?"
It would be obvious.. it has to be. A lot of people that work at big companies have to click a OK button after they log in that says they will be subject to monitoring. It would have to be plain sight legal-ese. Again.. DB.com is more "public" and not subject to those rules but again.. they would have to get a subpoena to figure out if it was really you that was posting.. track your ip.. so on and so on. Again.. as long as you operate within the rules of DB.com you will be fine. Most of us here are smart enough to figure out if it is not you posting. He could delete the account.. maybe. But that would require a call to the DB office. Heck.. who knows.. maybe he would read and start posting! That would be something new and exciting for me!
A boy can dream!
"This is pure gold! I am going to remember this forever"
Thanks.. I appreciate that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Whatever you are doing is working to a point. There is just something there that tells me that. I don't know a whole lot.. but I trust my gut.
At times I feel like you are hiding.. and I keep wanting you to step out more. The "theme" in all your posts is almost.. mysterious. It is like you think things.. but don't act on them. From what I have seen.. I think your gut is pretty smart. Living in the house with someone that wants to leave.. and your still not "going crazy".. that is good stuff. Trust me.. I was in your shoes and was failing miserably! It takes a lot of heart to do just that! That is what is so appealing to me.. and why I keep posting. I tend to harp on things.. usually it is the things I "see". I point them out in as many creative ways as I can. Sometimes I feel like a broken record.
"I seem to be able to pick out when I am the broke GPS pretty easily, still working on avoiding it altogether."
To a point.. you will never avoid it. Life just is that way. Construction.. closed roads.. floods.. hurricanes.. they all get in the way. I don't want you to avoid it.. that is not the goal.
I want you to be "prepared" enough to "see" it coming.
If we take my GPS idea and expand on it.. the only reason it can function is because it "knows" all the routes. Someone sat down and figured it all out.. and stored it to memory. The GPS is not smarter than you.. it just knows "everywhere" you can go. It was prepared to redirect you. It just did it because it does not have any thoughts.. other than getting you "home".
Expect the wrong turns.. they are gonna happen. Expect not knowing for a while.. what is the best route.
That is what makes "life" fun.
"Firm, not angry. I need to verbalize it. My steaming silence lets him interpret (and he never gets it right)."
Yes!! In case you missed it.. YES!!!!!
You even pointed out.. he can see you steaming!
What else would he think?
I know.. he was supposed to come give you a hug.. and tell you everything was gonna be alright. He was stupid.. and you were right.
Right now.. this moment.. you are in a battle for control! It is that simple. PICK YOUR BATTLES! If you need time to think.. ask for it! If you need to talk.. think about it for 48 hours and decide if you really need to talk. Make him chase you around the house wanting to talk.. you will see yourself in it.
"That, right there, just about sums up my position on all of this! I don't want to hear him talk about our R because he isn't going to convince me he's right, but he just might convince himself!"
He already convinced himself.. he said the words. You understood them. You realized that this is not what you want. Every action.. should show him this is not want you want. What you say.. will most likely fall on deaf ears.
Do Work
don't
Talk Work
As you can "see" the latter just does not leave that lasting impression!
Now.. Again..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Our MC has asked me, twice now in front of H, what my "timeline" is for all of this. The first time I just looked at him blankly with no idea of how to respond right then, and what my honest answer is. Last week when he asked me again, all I could come up with was some vague response about how I don't think any couple is ever done working on improving their marriage. As long as our M lasts, I am willing to work to make it better. I have not confirmed any A activity (other than H's feelings toward me/lack of), so I don't know why I would have a deadline for all of this work. H still says he "might" want out, he's "confused", doesn't have much hope that his feelings will change, etc. He's talking about leaving, not me. I am not talking/thinking about kicking him out.
Am I wrong?
Am I missing some boundary that I should be setting?
