...I'm so sick of being rejected and not feeling wanted at all. I've said as much explicitly for a couple of years.
...She honestly seems to be into making things work (showing love), however, this means she does what she thinks I need, not what I think I need. On the other hand she absolutely refuses to tell me or give me hints as to what helps her feel loved.
...I've read through Love Languages so I get the idea we show and need in different ways. Her languages seem to be affirmation and acts of service. Mine are physical and quality time. I can tell her efforts towards me are focused on cooking more often (acts of service), and sitting on the other side of our sectional couch to be near me at night (quality time). The cooking is great, I love it and I've always been very thankful for it. However the quality time is different, she doesn't hesitate to remind me she's only near me cause I want her to be. She'd rather be reading her New Yorker... why she can't do both makes no sense to me.
She will not initiate sex at all, and it's been this way for years. At least she used to tell me to meet her upstairs, but that's the furthest extent of it, and even that hasn't happened in the last three years. Kissing/making out is non-existent over that time. We haven't kissed for more than three seconds and it pretty much feels like she's trying to get away.
....In the end I *think* I just want to feel wanted. Maybe it's just me. I worry some that I've been a doormat, but I don't think she perceives things that way.
First of all, I understand what you are going through. Sexual rejection hurts a man to the very core. Coping with that rejection around a wife and children is very difficult.
Last week, I tried to initiate sex with my wife and was rejected every night until I got really angry with my wife and told her that she was jeprodizing our marriage again, she paniced, apologized and we had a long talk about how it was just a bad week for her, how we really didn't have that much "relationship goodwill" or "love bank deposits" between us and that we need to focus on making sure we build up that reserve of good will between us to help ride through the bad weeks. We ML later and are much closer again.
Making each other feel loved in their respective languages of love until a positive emotional relationship "reserve" is established makes a lot of sense to me. I think your reading the SSM and getting her to read the first chapter in the SSM is important, as is your reading the 5 languages of love.
The pain of sexual rejection really hurts deeply. There is a statement in the Pasionate Marriage to the effect that sexual rejection is something that people take personally and can't help but take personally. In the SSM they advice the Nike, "just do it" approach to preventing the feeling of rejection. I think that rejection of any kind is something that most people find very difficult, which is why there are so few good cold-call salesmen and why dating is so hard on many people.
It sounds like you are doing the right things. The best advice I got from this forum was to work on Getting a Life (GAL or see the book No More Mr. Nice Guy), that change will take time and I should be patient, and that I can not force my spouse to change, I can only offer to support the changes she wants to make.
It sounds like you have figured out your wife and her languages of love. Congratulations! Now you need to incorporate that knowledge into your life through rituals and integrating them in your thinking. If I were you, when she expresses love to you in her languages, tell her that you understand her love for you and you appreciate it.
It took me a long time to realize that my wife had approximately the same feelings of anger and rejection when I came home late and missed a hot dinner she had prepared for me as I have when she rejects my attempt to initiate sex. By thanking her for when she expresses her love, you may make her feel more loving and appreciated. That may lead to other things eventually, when she wants to change.
In your case, maybe you can find some ritual that will involve your giving her the "kind and degree" of quality time that she wants, which should involve closeness without interaction. Perhaps a date night where you go to a movie and sit together to watch something, a night with a DVD from the video store, or occasionally going out to a play or symphony are her ideal dates. I think that the trick is to figure out what works for your partner in their particular language of love and make them feel loved.
After my wife started to feel loved and appreciated for what she did, I and our conselor were able to explain to her that I knew I was loved by my wife, but I just didn't "feel" loved, as her expressions of love were not in my languages of love.
My wife eventually understood this as an intellectual concept, but is struggling to incorporate it into her life. She has made great strides and up until last week we have been having sex two to three times a week. She is also touching me regularly. That is why I feel that we have turned the corner on ending our sex starved marriage, but I know there will be problem weeks and we will need to work through things.
I don't think that you are a doormat. I think that you have been hurt deeply and have figured out a way to cope with the pain of rejection and still be close to all members of your family and help raise a healthy child. That is quite an accomplishment.
Implementing change, managing change, educating a partner on your needs, and inspiring them to want to change are really difficult.
My last thought is that I am a strong advocate of board certified sex therapists over regular marriage counselors for people who feel that they have a sex starved marriage.
Good luck to you and congratulations for all that you are doing to protect your marriage and family.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
