reconciliation after divorce?

[any chance?]

Update:
MC today was interesting, but cannot tell if it was good or bad. Perhaps is it just my level of confusion.

I did much of the talking, at her request. Apologized again for the 5 yr old PA, and told her whatever she wanted to know. Apologized for the emotional neglect, and for being too wrapped up in my career, and not paying attention to nuturing our marriage. We talked about the trust issue, and if it would ever be able to regain that trust.

She is set on the D. She is giving up her apt and moving back into our house when I leave for three weeks, and will be there for much of the summer (I will be gone quite a bit). However, she gets upset when I mention anything about the house, maintaining it is no longer her house. She did say she was flexible, and if I wanted to postpone filing for the D until September, that would be OK. She is figuring out that she is about to undergo a drastic change in lifestyle.

MC talked about how we had both undergone change, and wanted to know if W was interested in changing with me or without me. W said working on the relationship was too emotionally draining, and she need to focus on one thing at a time (D). The D is important to her, as she needs to get her life in order, start moving forward, and get off the meds. I told her it would be very sad if divorcing me was not what it took to get off the meds.

We talked about the fact that we had both made mistakes. She never told me what she needed, never let me know she was feeling neglected. I let her know I recognized that I had not made our marriage a priority, which I see as a huge mistake.

Interesting point was brought out by MC. W maintains that the dynamic in our relationship is such that she would immediately slip back into a subservient role to my strong personality, and that she thought that was impossible to change. The only way to demonstrate this is by showing her, which I cannot do under the current circumstances.

I told her I agreed that our marriage was dead. I told her I was focussing on moving forward, and that the changes I had made were for me, not for her. Told her I hoped we would be able to rebuild our relationship.

I walked out convinced she is moving forward with the D, but that it is very very painful for her. I think we made progress, but I am not sure I have much hope.

Sorry for the long post. Thoughts would be most appreciated.

[FindingMyVoice]

Wow AC. Good for you for asserting all your feelings thoughts and needs in this important meeting. It sounds like you feel you said everything you needed to say - that's so great. I'm really happy you were able to get through it with such integrity and self awareness.

And regarding not being sure you have hope, you never know. Like so many of the folks in this community have found out and just as you've done here, sometimes we have to let go of things before they'll come back to us. Hugs. PG.

[any chance?]

Seems as if the MC has raised some demons. W just told me she thinks I am telling her just want I want her to hear, that I am manipulating her, and that she keeps waiting for more revelations. There are no other revelations. I have a PA 5 years ago, and lied about it subsequently. Very bad mistake, very disrepectful, lost her trust. She has a EA/PA over the last several months, and is probably still EA now ("just a friend"), but that is barely on the table.

I was completely upfront and honest today. I thought that was the best thing to do. But it seems as if I only made things worse?

[FindingMyVoice]

I was completely upfront and honest today. I thought that was the best thing to do. But it seems as if I only made things worse?

Well, just my humble opinion, but I've learned that you can't gauge the 'correctness' of what you speak to and share with anyone, day to day or anytime, on someone else's reactions to it.

If you needed to say what you said in the meeting, then you needed to say it. For yourself. When you don't assert your needs, thoughts and feelings in your most intimate relationships, your self esteem will be the first thing to suffer. And it only goes downhill from there. Trust me, I've been there.

Her reaction - positive or negative - to what you choose to say or do, is irrelevant. The quality of your life requires you to speak your truths, and to trust in them. Believe in yourself AC. If you thought it was the best thing to do for yourself, then it was.

[Abbey]

I agree. You needed to say what you felt.

I've spent the time thinking... be the person that only someone completely out of their minds wouldn't want to be with. That's not for them by the way... it's for you. You just get the benefits of it.

She's skeptical of the changes you are making. Mine was the same way. Sounds to me like she needs this dose of reality of being alone... is there any way you get this D postponed? I sense you're up against the clock here. That said, I don't necessarily think just because someone divorces... they can't get back together. I know of one such couple who I talked to when my H and I split up.

I got the same stuff when H and I split: Leopard doesn't change it's spots etc. They tell themselves what they want to hear.

You like Mystik have to play the waiting game with your spouse. They'll come around... that 3 weeks I still suggest, do NOT contact her.

Abbey

[any chance?]

Thanks PG and Abbey.

I am avoiding contact before I leave, and will not contact her while I am gone. I am thinking about leaving her a letter when I depart.

She is set on filing in June, but said yesterday she might be willing to postpone until Sept.

I am letting her process the MC session yesterday, and we shall see what she has to say. I am going to let her contact me.

I was interesting that she commented on my change in attitude yesterday, clearly suspicious that change is even possible. My biggest concern is that she has conjoured me into a controlling monster in our relationship, which was never really true. I don't know how to fight that impression, especially when we are separated.

[Abbey]

Don't leave a note.

Resist the urge to "get in the last word".

She wants alone-ness, give it to her.

Abbey

[FindingMyVoice]

I am letting her process the MC session yesterday, and we shall see what she has to say. I am going to let her contact me.

Sounds like an excellent plan. That reminds me of Glimmerman's advice, back a few pages. Let her process - that's what she needs to do right now.

I was interesting that she commented on my change in attitude yesterday, clearly suspicious that change is even possible. My biggest concern is that she has conjoured me into a controlling monster in our relationship, which was never really true. I don't know how to fight that impression, especially when we are separated.

I think the best way to 'fight' it, is to just continue the positive changes for yourself, living strong and centered, taking care of yourself and GAL. It's obviously got her attention! And whether she decides to continue with the D or not, it will make your life a better, happier one. You deserve it AC!!

[any chance?]

Yesterday's MC definately churned up demons. W is obsessing about past details via email. She is imagining all sorts of incorrect information. Do I even respond?

[dday101798]

Nope.