No problem. Anyone I can help avoid what I've gone through makes me feel good. Btw, I prefer posting in the alt now. By asking around of my other friends (who I post to), you can find me there.
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I've decided that if she won't follow me to a new MC, I'll just go and see what happens. My biggest disappointment with the first MC was she asked us not to discuss our relationship outside of her office, and then never proceeded to help us learn/negotiate how to communicate productively on our own.
This is mind-boggling. The job of IC/MC is to help you do the work on your own- to put them out of a job by giving you the life tools.
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I did read SSM last year, and it hit home. I asked her to read the first chapter and she eventually did, but doesn't seem interested in following up. Anytime anything having to do with sex comes up it makes her uncomfortable. On our MC's suggestion, I picked up a book, "101 Nights of Romance", which has alternating secret (romantic) activity booklets for us to surprise each other with. I enjoyed doing three of them and I think she did too. She did one, didn't seem to like it, and has basically blown off any further reciprocal activity. I want to say she's defensive about it, or she feels there's too much pressure. If so, how do I bring her out?
that's a great book, but you need 2 willing participants. Without knowing your W, it's hard to say what will bring her out. This is hard to hear, but it may be a statement from you - not threatening, but honest- about what you can and can't live with any longer. Have you read the Dance of Communication (I think that's the title) by Harriet Lerner? She talks about difficult discussions and "finding and communicating your bottom line" in a non-threatening way to a loved one. I would read that chapter first. Can't type too much today, but I think you'll find it helpful. Honestly, what woke me up was my H telling me he wanted a D. Sadly, that's what it took, and it may still be too late. If you're like my H and act pretty ok most of the time, she may tell herself you're not THAT unhappy- after all, if you were, wouldn't you have already left? Wouldn't you be angry all the time? And you're not, so what conclusion does she draw if it fits in her world? I'm not saying you should be angry or leave, just that she is drawing conclusions you need to bust for her by finding a way to get through.
I still am not 100% sure why I felt so uncomfortable for a while, or pressured. But I did- the pressure was there all the time b/c I did at some level know what he wanted and that for whatever reason I wasn't ready to give it to him, but that dread was always hanging over my head and it made it much harder to make a stab at it in any way...
Find me in the alt if you can, please. Ask others here on a *different* thread- not here, -- start your own if you haven't already- how to do that.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
