Just found out she already filed

[alice444]

Are you asking if I saw any hot chicks?! lol well no...but they were a nice bunch. One lady played with DD for a long time, she's one of the organizers.

No, but did you meet any other dads you liked enough to get the kids together with?

Don't worry about sounding harsh I know you care about me and I realize it's hard for you guys to hear my same ole sad tune everytime and it's not very attractive either. I just happen to speak what I feel and this is how I feel these days.

It's only hard b/c we care very much about you. But as I said, THIS is the safe place you can express all this, wallowing or not. Here is where you do that, and do as much as you need to, that's what it's here for. I just want you to start looking foward, too, as much as you can. And those of us who care about you here will gently nudge you in that direction :-)

[quote]
I know I need to be distant from these thoughts but maybe it's my personality that I can't let go of them completely. However, I'm not miserable. I carry on with my day, take things as they come and sure I have my down moments but mostly I'm up and about doing stuff.

I have to base some actions off of her, she's never going to be completely out of my life because of DD. So I can't tell her to get lost, pick up and move to Tibet and become a monk

I'm glad you're not feeling miserable. Though sometimes depression takes different forms- irritability, procrastination, etc. Again, just want you looking ahead as much as you can rather than back. And about reacting to her- of course you guys have to work together (though, the monkish life sounds tempting)- what I meant was not to wait for her to decide what will happen next, how you divide things up, what the DD schedule is, etc. That you should speak up as to what you want and negotiate with her firmly but in a friendly way. Don't just give her whatever she wants (which I know you aren't doing anyway).

I also don't want to jeaprodize future dealings with her if I try to get my way now.

Per my other note to you, the person who will be hurt if you don't assert what you want and need right now, is you. She will think whatever she's going to think- regardless of whether you give her what she wants, she will still find a way- seems to be a theme with WAS- of blaming you for something. So you might as well agree to something that you can live with now- if you do it nicely but firmly it will not hurt relations with her, or it shouldn't.

I know, those are great suggestions and you guys will think I'm making excuses but as tempting as they are they just won't work for now. I know you said to make arrangements to make them work so I'll have to work on that. Just to clarify when I say I can't do something, it's usually my way of saying I need help with it and not that I don't want to do it.

Sorry if I come across as really stuck but I'm doing OK. The main thing I miss is the emotional connection with someone and regardless of what I do (playing soccer, golf, taking a class) that'll always be there until I find it with someone else again. I also have so much to do during the week that my days and nights are usually a blur. I have things pending that I can't find the time to take care of such as shopping for a new home owner's insurance etc.

The IC is another suggestion that I've been meaning to act upon. As for listing things that make me happy. I think in general I'm fine, even if I did things that I was passionate about before they all feel meaningless and fake. Like I worked on the car fixing the waterpump, I tuned the bike, I did some mountain biking, I went to to see the Grand Prix etc but none of those really fill the need (the emotional connection). I feel like I'm aimlessly doing activities and not getting any deeper sense of satisfaction. Maybe I'm a different breed than most...

I'll try to list some proactive stuff but I'm not wallowing...well I do once in a while but I don't think I can truly feel happy at this point in the journey. I'm sure it'll come later.

Tell us if we can help at all if you need help. I'm not quite sure what you meant, but throw something out if it's something you feel stuck about doing. All of us miss that emotional connection. The GAL stuff will not replace that, but it will help- help you focus on other things, help you find what makes you happy, etc. It may feel meaningless right now, but trust me, it has a purpose. It's about building a new life for yourself and filling it with satisfying things, even if that's not how it feels now. It also prepares you to find that new emotional connection down the road- you will be more open to that and more desirable by others if you have an interesting, fulfilling life for yourself that someone wants to join you in. It's still all about you right now, though.

I understand the aimless feeling- I felt it too, at first. Now, a couple months in, I'm glad to have some things to do on what could otherwise be a lonely night, etc. And, all of us are depressed to an extent, whether we call it that or not. Speaking as someone who has dealt with depression all of her adult life, I can tell you that the only key out is to take action so you stop feeling helpless. And the kicker is that when you're depressed, the LAST thing you feel like doing is all this stuff we're talking about. Not fair, is it? But it's the way it is- trust me, I've been down this road many, many times. You do fake it til you make it sometimes and I've been there too. It does get better, more genuine, more enjoyable, truly. But you have to start out like this to get to that more genuine spot.

And meeting new people or re-connecting with old- well, that sets you up to meet someone special down the road when you are ready. If you put yourself out there as much as you can, as you feel comfortable, you will eventually meet that someone when you're ready. If you do things by yourself or don't join new activities, how will the new woman know where to find you? LOL ;-) You know I'm talking in the future, not now.

Don't be happy! There's no law that says everyone has to be happy all the time. But keep doing things like you are doing, that's key to getting to happy when you want to get there. Staying active and doing things you enjoy will eventually help get you where you want to go. Being stuck is a part of getting your heart ripped out. Why should you be jumping for joy, looking for babes etc it's only been maybe two months!

Let me clarify, in case it was my words that were confusing- I'm not telling SR he should be happy. He should feel whatever he needs to feel and try to move through it with any positive coping mechanisms he can muster. I really agree with you that doing things you enjoy will help with this. And that we are all stuck at some point to certain extents. I'm not at all implying he should be jumping for joy right now- or looking for women, jeez, no! But I do think - and he knows this- that he needs to start with baby steps as soon as he can, trying new things, getting out there and trying to enjoy life or at least act "as if" to help him recover and move on to happier times.

((((SR))))