i think the codependent thing has me all confused. they are afraid to ask for things and expect you to mind read. i don't play those games.
but couple that with "don't believe 100% of what you hear, believe less than 50% of what you see".
that makes it even more difficult for me. what is my 180? be independent or not? i once asked him about hooking up my tv and he replied "ask your brother. i'm sure he can help you."
Keep venting, get it all out, all the things that hurt, the unsaid hurts, the fears (I call them snakes on a brain) and all the anger.
Ps the cupcakes ready yet?
Pss you get clarity when you make some goals
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
you have allowed me to open up. i look back at my first posts and i hardly gave any details at all. now you can't get me to shut up.
for the last four months, i haven't had the opportunity to say these things to h.
i haven't been able to tell him the whys from my perspective. i don't think i've tried to model independence but h never picked up on it. instead, he would tell me that i didn't understand the bond he had with his parents. ever since his father had his big heart attack, the family grew closer. does that mean we have to lose our independence in the process?
i don't think i'm good at modeling independence. by showing him that i am good on my own, will likely make him think "she's happier without me. d-filing was the right thing to do. i'm a great person. i am suffering so she can be happy. and yet, she's ungrateful for my sacrifice and not allowing me to 75% of our assets."
that's the mind of a codependent.
what kind of goals do i set? should i be taking baby steps?
Ps you both sound frustrated. That's something you can work with.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ps you both sound frustrated. That's something you can work with.
i can't speak for him. but i know i am. we are each other's first relationship. which may explain why there are some growing pains.
we were friends for the longest time. and what finally got us together was that he didn't want to lose me to some other guy. and i didn't want to lose my best friend to another girl.
You are way to sure of what your H is thinking/feeling/believing right now. You don't know. Let it go. It's wasted energy. You need to manage your energy now.
Put the focus back on yourself. List your goals and how to achieve them then take action. Monitor the results, adjust and move forward. Is what you are doing working? You will be less confused when you have a plan. The plan changes your thinking which will change how you feel.
What is your educational and professional background? What are your strengths? Why did your H fall in love with you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach is right--don't waste time on "what he is thinking". In my detached state right now I can "see" H sometimes has good thoughts about me, sometimes bad, sometimes he's confused. I don't care where he is at any given moment--I'm just doing what *I* have to do according to what I know about my H.
You know your H better than anyone on the planet. The answer to "what to do" is in you.
i think this is where i start to lose sight of everything.
the codependency thing and the "don't believe 100% of what he says" has me questioning whether i really know why my h fell in love with me to begin with.
my educational background - engineering graduate. taught me how to manage my time, workload, and sacrifice.
professional background - software consultant. worked in software ever since i graduated.
what are my strengths - i'm good at looking for problem, providing solutions, but i don't fix them. ;-) someone else does that. but i tell them how it should be fixed. weird, huh? i'm a people-oriented person. i have about 4 people whom i mentor on career issues. for some reason, people feel that they can open up to me and i won't judge them. i give them career direction and then let them decide how far they want to go. sometimes people just need a bit of a nudge. i'm highly respected by my peers.
on a personal level - i think i'm pretty well-rounded. i like who i am. i am comfortable in my own skin. i love cars (imports, no domestics), sports (playing & watching), competitive when it comes to trivia (jeopardy anyone?). when i go out, i clean up pretty nice.
why did my h fall in love with me? i don't really know anymore. i was fun, i made him laugh, i was affectionate, i always looked pretty for him, i was smart. he loved my skin, he loved my natural scent - he says i smell clean all the time which is very sexy. he knew i was someone who wouldn't make him feel bad if he made a mistake. in fact, we laugh at our mistakes together.
if i shouldn't believe 100% of what i hear then maybe all of that is wrong.
i was fun, i made him laugh, i was affectionate, i always looked pretty for him, i was smart. he loved my skin, he loved my natural scent - he says i smell clean all the time which is very sexy. he knew i was someone who wouldn't make him feel bad if he made a mistake.
I am fun, I make him laugh, I am affectionate, I always look pretty for him, I am smart......... Look squash girl if you want my help let's work on your thinking.
Smell is a incredible trigger of memories. I used smell to help me. Be sensual in your DBing - get all the senses involved, it helps creates connection and positive memories.
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"don't believe 100% of what he says"
that's when they are in the fog.
So what is your goal for your marriage?
You need a reason for him to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the new and improved GG. I made it a goal for my wife to hug me. Put the focus on what I needed to do to be attractive to her. It works.
BE + DO = HAVE.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am fun, I make him laugh, I am affectionate, I always look pretty for him, I am smart......... Look squash girl if you want my help let's work on your thinking.
at first, i didn't see the difference in how i phrased it and how you phrased it. after a 2nd glance, then i noticed that our tense was different. geez, maybe i'm not as smart as i think i am. i get it.
in that post, i almost wrote "i think i'm a great catch".
i spent the last 20 mins, reading up on the Stockdale Paradox. repeating it until i got it.
focus the end goal. obstacles in the way - we deal with them when they happen.
Quote:
Smell is a incredible trigger of memories. I used smell to help me. Be sensual in your DBing - get all the senses involved, it helps creates connection and positive memories.
i shower every morning so i have this natural clean smell all the time. when i go out with friends, then i apply my signature perfume. i keep it up in case i run into him in the elevator in the morning. i never want to be caught off guard.
Quote:
So what is your goal for your marriage?
secretly, i want him to want me again. maybe that's not a realistic goal. but i want him to want to hug me again. i want him to want to wake up next to me. i want him to say that he misses my company.
