From this day forward................

[ddstartingover]

I'm feeling very down again. I know it's the time of year, and I know (I hope) it will pass.

I still love my H. I KNOW I have to let him go. At times I feel like I can, but then things like "the anniversary" pops up...with absolutely NO acknowledgement---in fact, last night he took all three kids to D13's softball practice. He normally doesn't---so even on "his nights" I get some time with one or more of the kids. He came. Loaded them up, and was off. No, I didn't act upbeat, but I handled the business at hand (transferring stuff) and was polite. I didn't really want to be alone, but I accepted that as it is.

Mother's Day - at D13's softball tournament----had complete strangers wishing me happy mother's day. Ignored by H. I am still the mother of his children. I remember many months ago writing to him in an e-mail that I thought he was a good father----something I have told him from the beginning of all of this. He has not once told me that he thinks I am a good mother. I know I am a da** good mother, and I don't know why I want or need acknowledgement from him on that point, but I do.

We are still married, although I know that doesn't mean anything to H. He has made that abundantly clear. He has taken his ring off. This was after I told him to, when he e-mailed me to tell me to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce. I took mine off for about 48 hours, but can't seem to take it off again.

I checked in with My L about recent billing statement. She says he called her asking about progress on D and she reminded him that I was not filing and that if he had a proposal he was to send it to her. He said he would. That was on 4/27. He has not contacted her since. I don't think that means anything either. I know he has no concept of time and doesn't realize how long it's been and/or is dealing with an attorney/friend to help him.


I am still overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, failing at my marriage and what that means for my kids---why didn't I recognize the warning signs and "wake up" sooner. I still feel like there must truly be something wrong with me if H doesn't want to come back to me and our family. I have tried so hard to make the necessary changes, and changes for me. I think I am worthy of his love. I don't know how someone can just fall out of love.....I know there were never any guarantees, but THIS still all feels so wrong.

I didn't have one family member or friend contact me last night to see how I was doing - I guess I should be over it by now. I wish I could just be over him, but I'm obviously not. It was not "just another day" for me.

MLC??? I don't know anymore. I thought it all fit. Some of it still does, but at this point, it really doesn't matter. Is he with the OW (still) or again. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to know, but other times I don't. Somedays I look at him and how he treats me after all that we have been to each other and I wonder how can this be the same man? Do people really change THAT much?

I am just so tired of being around someone that has and always will mean so much to me and have him treat me like I have the plague/like I mean nothing to him/have never meant anything to him/and now am just someone he has to deal with. Do I really have a lifetiime of this to face?