Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Thanks for the advice TH.

I hope to get the chance to use it. I guess that's why I'm acting out the way I am. I don't think she's going to call. I don't think she's going to email.

I feel that all of her actions so far are because she is scared. She's scared of confrontation and she's scared to talk to me about it. She's scared of hurting me and she's scared of wavering. So the best way in her mind to deal with this situation is to ignore it and run away.

I think she's still running, and when she's running she's not going to reach out to me.

That's why I've been feeling so down about it - because I don't think I'm going to get the chance to work on it. I feel like it's over and that just plain sucks.

[TimeHeals]

I hope to get the chance to use it. I guess that's why I'm acting out the way I am. I don't think she's going to call. I don't think she's going to email.

Then how does she plan on getting divorced? Seriously, if she really wants a divorce, she's going to have to contact you, right?

On "not working on it": you can't work on "it" (I assume that is your relationship). It isn't there. You can work on yourself. That's something you should do no matter what the outcome is, right?

[blind]

I assume she'll have to contact me... I don't think she's spoken to a solicitor yet. But she has my parent's address, so as far as I'm aware, it could all be handled via a solicitor to a postal address, couldn't it?

I know I'm making assumptions, but I've not had the heart to look deeper into it.

I am working on myself. I'm getting into shape and training in any style of dance I can. I'm constantly contacting old friends and doing everything I can to get out of the house... I just don't know what else I can do. I feel at a complete loss. I sit at work and can't stop my mind from drifting. I want to grieve the lost relationship, but I'm having trouble even accepting what has happened.

One day I had a family and plans and dreams and was working towards them... and the next it's all gone and I need to move on. It would have been easier to understand if she'd died. But this... I don't know how to wrap my head around it in a way it will understand.

[fullmoon]

Hey B, I feel for you hang in there ((()))

Emailing/ talking while still emotional won't help you, cos you're acting out of your feeling and not rational thinking... if anything you'll drive her away further.

I had NC for a while, then when H emailed I'd responded a week- 10days later with positive stuff I'm looking forward to in near future on my own... without any R talk. I kept it short.
He replied with a positive sounding email saying he liked it.

Since then I hold myself from typing emotional or R talk emails.
When I get the strong urge I type everything I want to say, then instead of sending it save it to draft... which calms me down a lot as it feels like I've actually sent it.


Maybe you can write her a letter but NOT send it. If you want you can keep it and later re-think if it's appropriate, that way you can judge it with a clear head and not regret your actions.

I know I make it sound easy... I thought I was detaching quite well but all the emotions came flooding back and over the w/e I just couldn't stop crying.

Hang in there, don't rush to do stuff you might regret later.

[blind]

Thanks for the support moon.

You're right. I hold out for these phone calls that don't happen, but it's not the call I want... its her. I want my best friend back. I want to erase this last month that has been the hardest of my life.

And you're right - anything I say in an emotional state will just drive her away further.

It's interesting that you mentioned the draft emails - I wrote one the other day that encompassed everything I thought in a mammoth 5 pages that she probably wouldn't read even if I sent it... and it dealt with every issue she's raised. and it says goodbye.... and that's what's killing me. I feel so much like we're at the stage where it's goodbye, and I'm still have trouble acknowledging that she's gone.

I really don't know what I can do from over here.

I went to another dance class tonight - actually, I went to another 2. The first was fantastic and really hard work, and I ache in places I didn't know I had. The second was in my normal style... and it just reminded me of her too much. I think I have to stop doing that kind of dance for the moment. It's not healthy. I just end up focusing on how much I miss her.

I'm glad you're making progress with your H Moon. I hope you guys get to talk more soon. I can't imagine the strength it must take you to wait 10 days to reply! I'm going crazy not replying to emails that she may never send.

I think I need sleep. It's 11:30 and I'm up at 6:30 for more push ups. I just wish my head had an off switch.

I'll hold off on any action involving her... I'm clearly not thinking straight.

[fullmoon]

Right now she's not the W you love... I guess there is no guarantee whether she will be 'back'.

It is really hard implementing the DB. It feels so wrong. I've read other books and many talk about similar concept explaining the psychology behind it, so I thought why not, give this a go, doing the same old was what brought our R to this end point anyway.

Although... I'm starting to feel that it's so much easier to drop the rope and move on. Most people in this forum have children, we don't.
I'm getting really sick of it so I try to block out any R thought out of my mind, it's just easier that way.

Not sure if my stitch sounds positive, cos what my H wants is to stay 'friends'. It feels a bit more like he's doing it to help himself so that he won't look bad to others.
I don't know if I care anymore.

btw B, until you or your W files it's not 'over'. For her to file you've got min.2 years to go (Aus 1yr but she cant file there can she?) and even then the petition has to be approved by the judge to D.
Willing to do this for 2yrs or not is another matter though isn't it. I'm not going to file for a yr but by then I'd prob be sick of it, life's too short.

[blind]

Ok... she's replied.

A short 2 liner: It's not that I don't want to talk, it's that I don't know what to say. I do want to hear about your week though.

I've not replied yet... and I figure I'm supposed to leave it a while, and then keep it upbeat and vague.... how long should I leave it?

God, I hate this. I have no idea what to say or do, but feel like my every word is going to be over scrutinised and used as ammunition against me in a courtroom I'll never be allowed in.

Any advice is welcome!

[blind]

So, another night down and another class done.

I spent the last 3 hours focusing on the more technical points of Tango, and BOY is my mind full! I love it, because it means 3 hours of thinking of nothing more emotionally deep than "Did I execute that move correctly"?

I've come back tired as all hell, the last two nights are starting to take their toll... still, Hip hop and Pilates straight after work tomorrow night! A rolling stone... and all that.

I've told two of the people at work now... I've started to make decent mates with the two other contract temps in the office, and we've formed a neat little 3some. One has her fella, the other her partner, but we three seem to be up for solo meets, drinks and even a breakfast tomorrow morning. It's nice to have something booked at that time... that dreaded time.

Thursday a mate's family have invited me round for dinner, which is lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it, they're such a nice family.

Weekend... is looking empty again. This is becoming a habit.

I'm trying not to stew on her email... her two line email... that took a nearly a week to compose. But it's night time now, and that's when the bad thoughts creep in. I should be barely conscious given how much exercise I've done. Oh well.

Another day down. Pay day number 2 tomorrow, that's something to look forward to. More dance classes, money for new kit, driving lessons and a hefty sum towards my own car.

Plus I got the tango routine pretty darn well. So a bunch of small mercies, and the ability to dance like a stud to sexy music It's not all bad out there.

[PEI]

So a bunch of small mercies, and the ability to dance like a stud to sexy music It's not all bad out there.

Good for you Blind ... this is PMA and it's hard as heck to get and maintain -

I'm not a vet ... been here for a few months, but I feel like I am finally starting to make progress with myself and my PMA ... if I could offer any advice it's to read, read and read the threads and post on here. Robx, PuppyDogTails, Coach, Greek, sandi2 and so many others have so much experience and advice to offer ...

Don't do anything to quickly or from an emotionally fired up state ... I made all the classic mistakes ...

Have you read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy yet? If not, I would go get them and start there ...

Hang in there (((hugs)))
PEI

[fullmoon]

If you don't know what to say or do with the email, there's always the choice of nc... like others have suggested to you.

Oh you'd be surprised mate! Just the act of you walking away showing disinterest can have interesting effects. Funny I used to do the row, explainng my feelings the whole works if only I knew back then what impact saying nothing and walking away could have! Good luck