help with a plan

[flowmom]

IDU, I haven't been on the forum as much lately and just caught up on your sitch. Good for you . I'm so glad that you're feeling more detached. Your confidence is coming through in your posts...if we can feel it in your words, I can only imagine the difference IRL. Keeping my fingers crossed for you, and sure that you are going to be able to handle whatever comes your way.

(((hugs)))

[Bummedout]

Hey Ido,

I'm glad you're finding at least some relief. I'd make a conscious effort to maintain a confident and 'matter-of-fact' demeanor, but I wouldn't carry that to the point I came across as "cold and aloof."

And not sure how I'd go about it, but you mention her Chaperoning a dance, and you're pretty sure TOM? (The Other Man) will be there?
I know I wouldn't concur to that too much. You might ask her If that guy is gonna be there. Either way the answer, I'd tend to say something, and say it matter-of-factly, like "You know babe, you're gonna get that guy hurt." If ya did something like that, don't get sucked in to explaining what you meant by it either. Just be cool, and don't offer anything more than that you aren't saying anything else about it 'for now.' I would NOT say "you didn't mean anything by it" or even "you know what I meant" or anything. Just calmly say nothing more about what ya meant.

Of course it'll likely tick her off a bit. But . . .she'll probably mention you said that to him. Give the guy something to think about. A relationship with a woman a guy has to look over his shoulder because of might help make it not seem such a good idea.

Not sure what others here think of my advice, I don't really care what they think anyway, but hey . . .it's something to think about. Even if the guy is more 'physically intimidating' than you are, If he thinks you might be "crazy" and "up to something" . . .so much the better. You would be "up to something" actually . . . . making him think you're up to something, heheh.

Don't be surprised if you find yourself being quizzed for clues by you W either. You could actually re-enforce that paranoia a little then, by saying, with ALL Insincerity: "Of course not dear." with kind of a wry "Cheshire cat" smile.

People here say "be mysterious" . . .well . . . .letting the imagination do the intimidating for you as he imagines you might jump down out of a tree while the sleazeball is taking out his trash one evening or something is pretty mysterious.

I would avoid even veiled threats though after the initial "bait" Saying nothing can say a lot . . .and leaves you plenty of culpable deniability if it ever comes up.

[idontunderstand]

Holy crap, what a night!

I get a call a 2:30 in the morning. It is from a girl I went to school with. She and her family live in South Dakota. I have not talked to her in at least 17 years. A friend of mine called earlier in the evening saying that she was coming through town and wanted to see me. They were getting together at another friends house. I said that I couldn't, W had a meeting and I was home with the kids and she wouldn't be home until at least 10:30. So she called me a while later and we talked, good to hear from you.....
Anyway, mutual friend told her where I lived and she got lost coming to my house and drove around for a couple of hours. I asked what was so important, she said she had to talk to me. I told her how to get to the house, she was pretty close. So we talked from about 3:00 to 6:00 in the morning. Long story short, friend had told her a little of my sitch and she said she is kind of in the same boat. She has told her H she is done, he needs to leave, all the same stuff. She said she's not really done, just want him to fight for the M. Told me to do the same, her H and myself sound like the same person.

It was a great talk with someone on the other side. She reinforced a lot of things that I have learned here. I can't say I'm a lot more optimistic about things, but she gave me some things to think about.

I came in the house and got in the shower and got ready for work. W got up while I was in the kitchen. Got the kids ready for school and got them on the bus. Couldn't really tell if she was more pissy than usual and didn't want to get into anything with kids there and no more that 5 min to talk about it. I don't know if she heard the phone, the car, me going out the door or coming in. I will tell her tonight who it was. W has never met this woman and I'm sure a middle of the night visit will not go over well. I don't care what she thinks. It was almost like a sign that Pigskin has talked about. I haven't heard from her in 17 years and she comes over out of the blue with same sitch and offering advice? Hopefully it means something good.

Just when I think it can't get any more confusing...........

[idontunderstand]

I rec'd new intel today on W and OM. Nothing really surprising, just reaffirming everything else I have learned.

Found some other things out from her family that she has lied about. I am going to them tonight. Not to turn them against W, I know they already don't agree with what little they know. I will tell the whole story.

I really need to confront OM. Not confident I can keep my cool.

With new info, I am done. No more artificial time frames or boundaries or ultimatum's. This is it, the breaking point.

I don't know this person. I wonder if I ever really have.

I don't care if the M can be saved at all.

Maybe what I am about to do will make her see the light. If not, I can say, beyond a shadow of doubt, I will be better off without her.

[Bummedout]

I'd play what ya'll did pretty close to the vest, let her see how it feels. After "we talked" I wouldn't give her one tiny bit of information. I wouldn't even say "We talked that's all" When I say "let her see how it feels" I don't mean just to be spiteful, I mean so she can maybe get a little perspective.

One question, and you don't have to answer at all as far as I'm concerned . . . . did you get a 'sexual vibe' from your friend? Be careful! "Two wrongs don't make a right: . . . to sound a little like my grandmother.

[idontunderstand]

To answer your question, yes I did get a vibe. We had dated, briefly, years ago. She tried to keep in touch and I just let it go because I have enough friends and wanted to date, not be just friends. She admitted to saying to herself over the years, I wish I would have given IDU more of a chance, she thought about me often and other such things. With that said, there was no talk about us, we were bouncing things off of each other trying to save our respective M's.

The intel I rec's wasn't from her. It was actually from a family member of the W. I won't reveal to her who told me what, I do know better. I won't even tell her exactly what was told to me. It was enough to make me realize, once and for all, until she owns up to this and agrees to no contact, I AM DONE. With no regrets, I have tried all that I know how. Made many mistakes, but tried.

[Barkley]

I just finished reading all 39 pages regarding your situation. I don't know you but am "proud" of you for hanging in there taking care of the kids (who should always come first) and doing everything you can to save the marriage. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, you will have a clear conscience and be able to say that you did EVERYTHING you could. I am in a VERY similar boat, although I do not think there is another man at this point. Keep doing what you are doing and trust in God. I have only been in my situation for 3 months now and have gone from confused to devastated to angry to numb. I have begun detaching from my alien and have decided to improve as a husband and father for myself. The spoiled teenage girl can either stay or go.....

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Barkley.

I just finished reading all 39 pages regarding your situation. I don't know you but am "proud" of you for hanging in there taking care of the kids (who should always come first) and doing everything you can to save the marriage. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, you will have a clear conscience and be able to say that you did EVERYTHING you could.

Thanks for taking the time and for the compliment. The kids DO come first. It's still difficult to think how this will affect them if it all comes down to D.

Keep doing what you are doing and trust in God.

God and my kids are the only thing that keeps me going.

I have only been in my situation for 3 months now and have gone from confused to devastated to angry to numb. I have begun detaching from my alien and have decided to improve as a husband and father for myself. The spoiled teenage girl can either stay or go.....

Sorry to find you here at all. As you know, detachment is the key. It took me until a week ago that I was able to finally understand what it was all about and finally do it. The new info just reinforced everything for me.

We all can use some improvement somewhere in our lives. In the end, everyone is right, this is about us, not them or even our M, only us.

Good luck to you. I will check back with you soon.

[Barkley]

I am anxiously waiting to see what happens next (as I am SURE you are)

[idontunderstand]

I think I finally have enough proof for the big reveal. To the school board and everyone else in our small little town who suspect but don't know for sure. It's time that everyone knows.