That's why I'm rethinking the "being dark" idea. He is showing me caring and he wants remain in my life (in his own way right now) I'm thinking that I will get further by being there for him emotionally...go back to being his friend. I'm worried that if I cut him off he will turn more towards the OW.
Your decision, but if I read you right, you've been through this ONCE before in your life? And this is the SECOND time?
You're a much stronger woman in that area than me, Mila, to be honest. One time is enough...it is a character weakness or flaw for the same mistake to repeat.
Love/nurturing by itself will NOT fix everything, a person must suffer consequences for their actions, especially when they are making repetitive mistakes, OR going into multiple affairs, regardless of the reason behind doing so.
On the other hand, methinks you are trying to blame yourself for your husband's affairs, when it was HIS fault, hands down.
Each person in a marriage is responsible for their part in the breakdown of said marriage, but the action that is taken to fix the problem doesn't include an affair.
Nor is an affair justifiable.
It's one thing to have a need that goes unmet, but the WAY a person goes about meeting that need, is where things can go horribly wrong, if that person is selfish/immature.
When you are MARRIED you are responsible for asking your SPOUSE to meet that need, NOT go out and have an affair!!
There was and is something seriously wrong within your husband for him to do that, and it looks to me like you're making excuses for him, blaming YOURSELF for HIS misbehavior.
There is NO excuse for adultery, NONE, whatsoever.
He has to learn to deal with his problems WITHOUT being selfish and hurting his wife. That is an immature trait within him that you cannot fix or nurture away. He has to fix it within himself, or you're in for MORE misery as time goes on...every time he feels "unloved", there will be yet another woman for him to run to, while you stand by once again....I have alot of trouble with the reasoning on this one.
He needs to GROW up, and have some respect for you, his WIFE.
On the other hand, STDs are a very real threat, OW could become pregnant and complicate things, besides the fact that exclusivity is broken, never regained, trust is broken all to heck, and you're saying you stood by him through the first one...apparently, he never learned anything from that first affair, or it seems to me that he wouldn't have repeated that same mistake during his MLC. The issue he had never went away, resurfacing once again.
It was NEVER dealt with in the FIRST affair.
Not EVERY person who goes through a MLC has an affair, either, there are those select few who don't go that route...like I once said, MLC or not, they ARE aware of what they're doing, and are selfish enough to do it anyway, regardless of who gets hurt, as long as it's NOT them.
Yup, you just got hit with a 2x4!
I still stand on the advice to stay dark, but that is up to you; I won't beat you to death and try to make you take the advice, but the one question you have to ask yourself is this:
How much respect do you have for yourself, considering this is the SECOND time you've had to deal?
I have a great deal of respect for you, Mila, always have, and like I said, you're a much stronger woman than me, but there is also something YOU have to learn out of going through this twice.
It's part of seeing your own mistakes within yourself doing the mirror work needed to see within you, what needs to be fixed.
The fact is, you're NOT his mother, and you never were. AND, you're NOT responsible for his wrongdoings, HE IS.
Everything happens for a reason, and this time, your eyes need to really open to the reality of your husband; seeing him for what he really is, and what you might be doing, if you decide to break your darkness, to "enable" him to continue this pattern of bad behavior/disrespect toward you.
It's something to think about.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
