5/31 looms a bit. Back in 1986, it was the day we met. In 1992, we were married. Had 14 real anniversaries (20 years together), number 15 found us in the midst of a sham of MC, 16 was only a month before the divorce. The week before we were married, my x had his bachelor party. He got very, very drunk. The next day was the annual Memorial Day parade, and my future BILs were there, but no X. They decided to tease me, tell me that I was so awesome to let him go all out, even though they tried to hold him back. There were multiple strip clubs. They pushed it too far, alluding to him doing more than getting a no-touch lapdance.
I had been prepared to hear about some of the revelry, rowdiness and drunken behavior - it was not typical of him. In fact, he had only gone out like that once before, to a different bachelor party. This was not a boy who experienced college, or let loose with typical animal house behavior.
After the parade, I went to his house. He was a mess, sleeping on the floor. I woke him up....What exactly did you do last night?
He said he couldn't remember, not after a certain point. There had been so much beer, he was most likely close to poisoning himself. Bashed his head on a table more than once. He couldn't remember. I told him to talk to his brothers. I started to cry, said that he had better not have brought home any diseases. That he had to remember. Because I was really torn apart - wondered what the hell I was actually doing, about to do. We were about to get married in less than a week... I left him there on the floor, left him to decide if he was really ready for this.
We had been exclusive since 15; no other boyfriends/girlfriends, no fights or breakups. I remember once, when we were about 17, he oogled a girl on a bike as we drove past in the car. Blatantly. Without saying a word, I took the top off my cup of soda and dumped the ice directly on his shorts. I did it with a sly grin, but he got the hint.
I remember when I would not tolerate being disrespected.
I also look back on how, when we were still in high school but I was about to go off to college (he still had a year left), asking him if he wanted to experience dating other people. I struggled with his near-inability to really talk about his feelings, to communicate the deepest thoughts he had.
But he so clearly and completely loved me. And that was all I needed. He didn't want to be with anyone else, and regularly talked getting married (I got a promise ring on Valentine's Day when we were 17). So, I accepted the limitations - chalked it up to him being a guy and just "not that deep." He was loving, handsome, charming, and so....good. (I have come to think that he had actually not developed his own authentic self, and just molded to my and other's expectations).
I sit here wondering, now....
I think I may finally be at the beginnings of my heart catching up with my head. My poor, poor heart. Who only wanted someone to love and accept her.
*****
Ex and I talked last week. For 4 hours.
It started off about our son, who is struggling so much in his freshman year of school. After many talks with his teachers, his IC, my IC, I have come to believe that he has ADHD. Very bright kid...has compensated for it for a long time, just by being able to absorb what is taught through his love of reading, never having had to study or be very organized past what his teachers did for him, what they had us do for him as parents. So much like me.
I hit the very same wall in 10th grade. Went from 1 honors class in 9th, to 4 in 10th. I had no study skills. My locker, bookbag, room, notebooks were all a terrible mess. I just couldn't keep all of the balls in the air. I passed out in school one day from excrutiating stomach pain. I tanked most of my classes, including my beloved English. 11th grade had me downgrade back to only one honors class, and I opted to do summer school and night school to bring up my average. My son passed out in school at the beginning of the month - severe stomach pains. The doctor couldn't find anything physically wrong, but gave us the screening questions for the ADHD.
It brought up so much....son begged me not to talk to his father about it: "He won't ever look at me the same way." And all the stated reasons he gave for leaving the marriage, having the affair, how it had all been my fault for leaving everything on him to do, not taking care of him... To no surprise, ex doesn't think my son has ADHD at all - that he is being lazy and just has to "try harder." But at least he agreed to the screening. He wants to attend the Dr. visits. Apparently, his gf's oldest daughter sees the same specialist, so ex has been happy to express how much he knows about all this, knows the Dr and the office, etc.
Anyway, we talked, at length. About our son. About us. About me. I think it was the first time that I saw a glimmer of understanding from him, something that broke through the stories he told himself over and over to justify his affair and leaving. I had not done these things to hurt him or take advantage of him.
And I told him how I had a underlying fear that he could reject our son, as he ultimately gave up on and rejected me. I told him that I understand that the relationship with your children is very different than the one you have with your spouse; however...please, don't give up on him.
And of course, it doesn't matter. I just asked him to stop hurting me. Purposefully hurting me. That this was the reason I used email exclusively. The reason I went into full body tremors whenever in contact with him for more than a few minutes. I validated that he may have been hurt, felt hurt by me in the marriage, but it was never done knowingly. He brought up some of his past hurts again, which only seem lamer with passing time - how I served fish on a Father's Day (along with cards and gifts, special time for himself to do something he loved, etc.). How I made that complete 180 after the bomb and became everything he ever wanted (read - a doormat, an incarnation of Martha Stewart), but had only kept it up for a month. I asked him if he realized that I was actually dying - the loss of 40+ pounds in under two months, the sleeplessness, the tremors so bad I couldn't sign my name, the panic attacks - and everything I did only seemed to make him more angry, things worse. And you expected me to keep it up under those circumstances (and this realization came to me later - all while not talking to me about any of it, all while lying, betraying and having an affair?!) My IC told me later in the week that I was right - he COULD NOT see it, just as I couldn't see the affair while it was so blatant. He really seemed surprised, like it was the first time he actually noticed, saw a glimmer, of what I was going through. I told him I never deserved what he did to me.
But in spite of that, (cause it doesn't matter) we had to work on a way to communicate for and about the kids, to exist with the kids at times, and lessen the tension.
He teared up a few times. I won't hazard to guess why.
He said he sometimes missed our house, our family and kids, me...but that he was never coming back home, with or without his gf in his life. That he felt that they had a much more "mature" relationship - neither ever want to be unhappy and stuck again, so they've agreed that they'll pack up and move on when asked - just give each other 3 day's notice. I was stunned....after I processed this tidbit for a few days, I realized that he is describing dating. He has no concept of unconditional love.
And that we truly are operating on completely different levels of existence. And, most likely, always were.
Seems like he really is in a better-fitting relationship than what we may have had. I certainly want more than that.
Come on, heart...time to pick up your ball and go home.
