Yeah, I am not going anywhere near him. I still can't believe how he acted. Now that I've had a day to think about it, I saw quite a few things yesterday. One was that he was certainly throwing a temper tantrum like a child. And for someone who didn't want to talk to me, he kept coming and going in and out of his apartment to talk to me. If he would have just stayed inside, I was already backing out to leave. He didn't have to see me. But, he didn't do that. And he was the one who started the conversation, not me.
Yes, Jack I need to stop telling him he's sinning. I don't think it's so much of a guilt trip to him anymore....I just don't think he cares.
In a way I do think he was goading me to see if I would start yelling or throw my own fit. Perhaps he wanted to put on a little show for his neighbors that see? she is the crazy one I'm trying to get rid of. But, that backfired on him because besides the little bit of crying I did, I remained calm. And I think that ticked him off. He was completely out of control and I was in control of myself. He was the one who looked bad.
But, yes since I saw him act out, I don't want to go near him for fear of what he might do next. I never thought I would have to have any fear for my husband, but since he's obviously not in his right mind, anything could happen. I don't want to be the one to push him over the edge. So, as much as I want to see him to make sure he's still alive, I can't go near him. And, yes that's hurting me a great deal. Today I've been grieving quite a bit. I just have to leave h up to God. I can't rescue him, only God can.
Tonight while talking to my sister about this, she asked me how I would have reacted to this a few months ago. I laughed and told her I probably would've been screaming, yelling, calling him names, and perhaps even trying to slap him. She said, yes you would have done all of that. But you didn't. You stayed calm. I hadn't even thought about it. She told me I had certainly come a long way and have changed quite a bit from the old person I used to be. She thinks my h could also tell that and he was either shocked or mad that I did remain calm. And that now he could actually see that I've changed. I told her I wasn't counting on that since he certainly wasn't acting rational about much. But, I can hope he did think some of that.
You know just when I think I'm doing ok with this MLC stuff, I get hit with something else. And God is using it to teach me yet another lesson I can't seem to get right. To be patient. To wait. To give everything to Him and leave it there. To trust Him for everything. To not be anxious about anything. Easier said than done. But, I am going to pick myself up, wipe away my tears and start walking this path again. Or at the very least, I will let Jesus carry me for a while. He's already been doing that for me for some things. Oh, how I love Him! I don't know what people do who don't have God to turn to.
