WAW EA via Text Only? Huge Tacticle Mistake!!

[dgtal]

And I paid only $135 at ebay. August 2008 and still using it. One never knows The tool that directed me to the A discovery

[DangerDave]

Hello everyone again, it's been a tough couple of weeks here but I do want to update where I'm at with my WAW and her EA.

Well this week she went to see a therapist and get her mind sorted. Seemed like a good idea although I was pretty nervous of the outcome. After the meeting she seemed pretty upbeat and talkative and the tension eased ogg at home quite a bit. She sent me a text that she wanted to get together and talk about us, gave me some hope that maybe she was seeing all my 180's and was having second thoughts about leaving.

We spoke last night and she started right off by saying that she was still in the same place, wanting to leave and had no desire to continue the marriage. Well so much for hope, but had to keep an open mind until then!

I've studied hundreds of posts here and really have focused on Allan A's and Sandi2's advice lines here and have sort of blended the two together for my own db plan.

After hearing her intentions again, I went to a calm manner and stated matter of factually that since she was the one who wanted out, then she should leave and I'll even help you pack. Also that since she was the one have the EA and cheating on me and our family, I couldn't bear the hurt that was going on any longer and would not live that way in this house any longer. Well the Sh_t did hit fan and all hell did break loose - sandi2 was spot on - she still would not accept the affair as she was not sleeping with him, but I had to explain what an EA was and added that the first phone call she made after her therapy was to him. Things got a little elevated and I did lose some composure honestly and called her a cheating bitch, but I'm not sorry - I still love here but what a huge relief to get this all out. The whole conversation and or argument lasted a lot longer and covered way too many subjects - including my emotional abuse to her over the last 15 year (which I do accept) but I can't change the past and can only work forward. It wasnt as clean as all of the advice here but I did the best I could and made a strong statement.

She has no where to go except her mothers - which is where she should go as she only has a part time job and thinks the kids -13/15/19 will all go with her - they might but they will miss their home and will have some tough choices to make soon. We have not discussed how to tell the - that's going to hard without pointing fingers back and forth but I know I can do it right.

I've blocked her cell phone form any contact with him - she should figure that out today as she's out all day riding again. It will be interesting if she even comments on the block. As for her computer, I will see if I can block the wifi to her laptop - not sure if I can at this point.

My next step is no relationship with her other than kid stuff/issues and plan on as little contact and interaction as possible. I am going to wait a few days for further reaction and play it by ear - but the exit of her is not negotiable unless she ends the EA and wants to head to consoling.

The next step will be to contact the OMW - it's really hard to get to her without him there - he's a contractor that works from home and it's just hard - he's gone Friday mornings I have learned from my intel so that will be window to make initial contact with her. All I can do is explain the situation as I see it and hopefully get the phone logs into her hands. It's clear that my W is pursuing him, while I may already be outed by them to her, it's still worth trying I suppose.

She offered to leave last night as I was kicking her out on the street she said, but I said that she could take some time to figure out where to go. We have a family outing with all the kids tomorrow and she wants to know if she's still invited - if she doesn't go the kids may not want to go as well - so I'm really torn on that right now.

Looking for opinions and other stratgic things I should be doing at this new juncture of DB'ing??

Thanks

DangerDave

[DangerDave]

Also throwing this out on the newcomers board as well!

[Allen A]

Sounds like you have this mostly under control, save for the name-calling.. that's a big NO NO

DD, every BAD MOVE will undo SEVEN good moves on your part.. ok?

Right now its more IMPORTANT to AVOID the BAD MOVES than making good ones... Keep that in your head and keep it in your mind when you are talking to her 1 for 7... remember that..

I wouldn't invite her... She needs to taste divorce, and this is what divorce is... doing things separately...

The other point, don't argue about your wife's cheating... she KNOWS she's cheating.. It doens't sound like the family therapist you went to did much education at all... which I would argue should come first

Build Trust
Educate both spouses on marriage

The resolving conflicts comes LATER ON... Once you two learn HOW

I take it your wife isn't willing to go back for more therapy?

PS : You can set your router to block your wife's laptop ip address and OM's ip address.. almost all routers have built in firewalls of that sort to offer that feature

Contact OMW as soon as you can... dont phone her... sit in your car outside his home until he leaves on friday and then go knock on the door... and yes, take evidence.. lots of phone logs.. that should be enough to get you in the door

Get a contact method from her on teh first meeting that is SECURE from OM... so you can keep her updated and he won't intercept it

[DangerDave]

Thanks Allen - yes youre right about the name calling and her call me a _ucking _sshole that hasnt changed didnt help but I will take the high road from here- as for the blocking it's all via facebook and yahoo chat - not sure if I can block those individually or have to block all internet access on her laptop?

[Allen A]

You can use your router to block specific domain addresse if you want.. or ports...

yahoo chat doens't use port 80, you can block yahoo chat or block the internet completely...

My opinion is that her laptop should not touch the inetrnet until she has agreed to ONLY use it constructively and NOT to covertly harm her family

When your wife starts cheating it is much like a war has been declared in your home... and you have to handle her like an addict who has her addiction as her foremost interest and not the safety and health of her family as a whole...

YOU have to focus on the family as a whole, safety and health etc.. 100% until your wife can carry her 50% again... and right now her addiction is the threat...

When she brings it up.. and she will just tell her the same script.. always have the same script ready for all challenges

1. Infidelity harms our whole family
2. Lying, cheating, sneaking around is not welcome in our home
3. As long as there is an affair, the family will be protected from it
4. End the affair, attend couselling with a good family therapist and stop the destructive behaviour
5. I love our family and I invite you to do the same

Right now she's heavily addicted so taking away any freedom she has will meet with aggression on her part.. you need to IGNORE it and be an ADULT

Just imagine how you would handle a daughter who was hooked on drugs and living in your home...you would cut her off until the lying, the sneaking around, and the destructive behaviour stops right?

[DangerDave]

Thanks - it's getting blocked now

[Allen A]

Just memorize your scirpt for when she confronts you.. and she will... She will be angry and self-righteous...

You have effectively put a lock on the liquor cabinet and the alcoholic is not going to be happy

It's very important to have a good solid consistent message you chant at every opportunity.. you do NOT pursue them.. you wait for THEM to confront YOU and then YOU do your speech... the same one.. EVERY TIME

[DangerDave]

My Mantra going forward - man this is a ordeal for the ages!

[DangerDave]

Oh one other thing - she hasn't worn her weddings rings for a couple of months now, so Ive secured them in a safe place -they are worth too much to me and I would hate to see her toss them or sell them - that too heavy here?