NC for 2 weeks. She called a couple of times and I never picked up. After her message of wondering what was up I wrote her a letter that first off expressed a desire to make things work, and a few other comments along that line. Then I pointed out that a part time marriage was not working for me and that if that's where we are at we may as well get on with mediation and the D.
I saw her at a family function prior to her getting the letter, and expressed much the same thing as was found in the letter. The next day after getting the letter she called very upset and all she found in the letter was that I was done. She read the letter back, never finding those words, but lots of the opposite expressions. I asked her why she always wanted to look for the negative rather then finding the positive?
She didn't see it that way. She pointed out all the rolls in the hay as of late, that she had come toward me, and basically before it was all done I had the feeling that even though it was her that filed, continues down this road, somehow it was MY fault????????????? And why was I not contacting her or returning her calls? That to her was a sure sign she was getting ripped off.
She did have some valid points in regards to her feeling she had moved toward me, but as far as ANY kind of time frame? "I'm not jumping back into it like I did last time" was her response. Jumping back into it after 7.5 months of being gone? After 5-6 years of being in/out and emotionally distant/gone? She did mention that she knew she needed counseling, but had no time frame for doing that. I asked if that was a lack of priorty for the marraige and got my head bit off.
Wow-are we far apart on how we see things on this or what?
At times, she makes NO sense to me whatsoever, and at other times I can sit back and get some of what she feels. The fact that her house is a complete mess like a hoarder, this time, last time, and the time before for a total of 1.5 years tells me she is really out there.
So why do I feel guilt for her choices???????
At times it sure feels like it would be so much easier to not do a damn thing and just let this happen. No contact-ever. And then I see and hear what a discombobulated mess she is and I know she'd be worse divorced and I feel guilty.
So how do you folks deal with the guilt feelings? I can imagine that after a D I'd get out and date, but sooner or later I'd have to deal with a major case of guilt with HER choices, and I'd still feel bad. Is that just part of this mess?
