because no one in the R has changed the dynamics. Who is going to find a solution?
i don't want to force the situation. i want it to happen naturally. but it seems like nobody is making a move. who's going to blink first?
when i run into him next time, i hope i am not as angry as i am today.
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Your job is to help your H find hope. What can you do so that he sees hope in his wife, marriage and life? What will make you attractive to him now?
i think i am struggling with this one. because i don't know what to believe anymore.
when he first dropped the d-bomb, he said he was so traumatized by my behaviour at Christmas that he developed chest pains. he said the longer he stayed in the marriage, he was going to die of a heart attack.
i gave him space to think. he spoke to an ic and i think he went in validating his reasons for d. he came up with a list of differences between the two of us that made us incompatible.
1. the way we spend money. he spends lavishly and i spend conservatively. i never said he couldn't spend his money. he never raised this with me as an issue. so it was the first time i heard of it.
2. he felt that he was dragging me through his life. i didn't see his point because ever since we got married and moved to the new small town, i was the one who found the squash clubs for us to join. did he ever initiate any planning? no. every club that we join, was found by me.
every christmas party we've attended, were held by my workplace or my friends. we never attended anything from his workplace or his friends. in fact, often he wouldn't even mention that his friends wanted us to go for dinner with them. so who was dragging who through who's life?
3. religion. my religion takes up 5 minutes of my time two times a month. i don't get h involved and i never have. why is this an issue? does it hinder any of our daily activities? no.
4. children. sometimes he says he doesn't want kids because he's too old. somtimes i don't want kids either but did we ever talk about it? no. at least, he's never brought it up.
5. intimacy. he says quantity and quality. we differ. it's odd because when i told him i was going to seek counselling, he told me to ask about my intimacy issues. why would he care? if he's dropping the d-bomb, he's never getting any from me ever again. why even be concerned about it?
then as time went on, issues #1, 2, 3, and 4 were brought up again. the only issue that was still on the table was intimacy.
after pressing him a second time, he said what prompted him to drop the d-bomb was my treatment of his parents at christmas and the lack of intimacy in the month of december.
those were the two issues he could not get out of his head.
ok. so how am i supposed to change? when his mother was here, i show restraint. i did not snap back even when she was rude to me. i confront h about her attitude and i said i thought you said she was afraid of me? and he denied he ever said it.
he told me that his parents were second guessing his decision to marry me. ok. why do you want pictures of us when you can't wait to rid yourself of this "mistake" named "Good Girl"? i thought he wanted to move on .. to which he replied "no, i never said that".
i'm really confused. what am i supposed to believe and what is my 180? i stopped talking about children. i discussed my intimacy issues with my ic. i gave up my religious practice. i bought nice things for my apartment.
i got a life. i am out and about quite a bit. he just sits in his apartment or he goes to work. he can't play squash at any of the clubs now because some people know that he's done this to me.
when we were still living under the same roof .. he wouldn't come home for dinner because he didn't want me making dinner for him. but then one day he made dinner and greeted me at the door. he didn't want a hug one day .. and then the next he'd tell me that it's okay to hug. i don't get it.
one day he'll say he would rather be alone for the rest of his life cuz it's better than being with me. and the next day, he's depressed because he's afraid he's going to be alone for the rest of his life. <what is it that you want?>
coach, forrest .. i know i'm dwelling on the past. but i'm having a hard time grasping what i'm supposed to do. i don't know what to believe. to me, he just hates me. and i don't know what i've done. is it my fault that the codependent mother is manipulative and exaggerated her "fear" of me? is it my fault that the law says i'm entitled to 50% of the home? i did not fight for a single penny when it came to the furniture. yes, i walked out with less .. i am so tired of these childish games. this isn't a game. you're dealing with people's emotions and feelings. if he's trying to punish me for what i supposedly did to his parents .. i don't know what to say.
i guess i just don't buy it that he's confused. it's like he can't get the dollar signs out of his mind. that i'm just the worst person on earth for agreeing with the law. he's a grown man in a senior mgmt position. don't tell me he's that big of an idiot to not know that when it comes to divorce, it's 50/50. every guy out there knows it. does he want me to agree to a 75/25 split in order for me to be attractive to him again? sorry, it ain't happening.
he's trying to win the approval of his father because his father asked him if he had a pre-nup. he said no. and i'm sure they were disappointed in him for not protecting himself because now the Good Girl is going to take him for all he's worth. that's when it snowballed out of control and i felt like there was no going back.
i fear that he wants to continue to punish me. he knows that infidelity would hurt me more than anything in the world. would he be cruel enough to do that just to punish me? that's why i can't get that out of my head. what if he does it for the sake of punishing me?
if he wanted out, why didn't he just get out? sometimes it appears like he's hanging on and sometimes he's moved on. changed his msn id, changed his skype id, hid his fb status. i don't need to contact him. he says he's no longer on msn but i doubt it. he's just created a new id so he can chat with his mother or his mother can continue to manipulate him.
oh yeah, he said his parents are washing their hands of our situation. he don't want to get involved. yet, the mother is constantly in the picture. another lie.
do you want me to GAL? done. do you want me to initiate sex? when you ask for a d that can't happen.
what can make me attractive to h again? well, he said that i am no longer the same person he fell in love with. what was that person? i smiled, i had a lot of male friends. we used to work at the same company and he noticed that i had a 'fan club'. every guy (married, single, in an r) was drawn to me. i was just a genuinely nice person. i didn't care if someone was fat, skinny, tall, short, whatever. i still am that person. that's why i manage to meet two guys in the elevator of my building. even the security guards are really nice to me.
the only time i don't smile, is when i run into h. i am reminded of how much hurt he's caused so many people. it will take every ounce of energy in me to smile at him. it's like being fed crap and saying "yummy". at least, that's how it feels now.
there .. that's my melt down. (sorry forrest, my ic says writing it out should make me feel better and is an outlet for my anger).
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You have to detach, it allows you to love without fear.
i think i have to detach to allow myself to love without anger.
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What can you do to break out of the darkness? Your H is wondering what you are up to, he knows he has hurt you and he is confused.
this is where i don't buy it. i don't think he knows he has hurt me. a co-dependent only thinks about how they feel hurt. that's why my h said "in order to save myself, i have to hurt the one i love." they only think about how life is unfair for them because we weren't able to read their minds.
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Quote: there is something very liberating about being in control of your own life.
That is a real gift to give your husband. Can you handle it?
yes. my friends and family wanted me to move home when this happened. i chose to stay and wait it out for a year. everyone thought i would run home to my family. i chose not to. i started a new job when the d-bomb was dropped. i tried my best to stay focused on my new job. i organized my own move, packed my own things, i stayed strong and i showed h that i could do it on my own. i wasn't helpless. i was in control of my own life. and i did it.
one day, i will own my own home again. i will do it alone without financial assistance from my parents - another dig at h. h owes his parents money for his first condo from 15 yrs ago. he's never paid a penny of it back despite making really good money.
i tried to model financial responsibility. but h took it as me not allowing him to spend. i never said he couldn't. i just put my money towards other things - like debt or retirement savings before spending it on nice to haves. h often dipped into the bank of mom and dad whenever he needed money. sigh ..
ugh .. my brain dump is not good. i'm bringing up too much from the past. too much about what i'm angry about. i need to get off this ride.
