Your internal dialogue reminds me of a dialogue and some conclusions I have recently come to in my situation. Every situation is different so my feedback may or may not apply to your situation, but I thought sharing my thoughts would give you something to consider.
In my situation, my DB coach Jody suggested going "dim", rather than going "dark". She advised to let H initiate, and to respond in a similar manner (i.e. length), always keeping my response light. XH and I don't have children, so this has kept a thin tether between us, even to this day ---- 20 months post-bomb.
Since my D 5 months ago I have tried to figure out what type of interaction to have with XH as I move forward. A turning point came for me recently when I read a chapter about "caretakers" in a book titled The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain by Louis Cozolino. The "patient" the author described fit my XH to a T!!!!!!!!! Here is an excerpt that summarizes the gist: "....it became clear to me that (the patient) had spent the first half of his 39 years taking care of his immature and self-centered parents. All of his subsequent relationships appeared to fall into a similar pattern. Although he described his romantic relationships in positive terms, he also reported feeling deprived of attention and nurturance. He seemed to be attempting to please others in order to gain the love and attention he had always longed for from his parents. His efforts would invariably end in sadness, resentment, and withdrawal. Although he was exhausted from trying so hard and failing so completely, (the patient) still maintained the hope that his efforts would someday pay off.".
This chapter (and a conversation with a close friend who is also a "caretaker" type) helped me to realize that XH takes care of people in the hope that others will take care of him. That is his way of asking to be nurtured --- it would have been much easier if he had just told me he wanted to feel nurtured, but I don't think that he is consciously aware of this need. This epiphany made me decide to be a consistent source of nurturing for XH, no matter what. Growing up with an alcoholic mother and a father who was always working (I believe to escape the chaos at home) he wasn't nurtured so I know that that is what he longs for, even if he doesn't realize it.
