How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

I'm trying to detach. I thought I had been doing well with that, but there are always moments when I just want to hold on for dear life to my husband and marriage. I feel so alone, no one to talk to...ugh. This loneliness is hell.

[kara]

RL

A month is NOTHING. You will need unlimited patience to deal with this. That is in no way to depress you because you CAN find the patience. Many others have done and are doing it. That is why detaching and keeping busy are so important.

There must be some sort of change between you two before you reconnect. This usually takes time. The disconnect did not occur overnight (even though it may seem that way) and it will go away overnight. Your healthiest, best way to get through this is to find out what lessons YOU are meant to lern from this and spend time learning them. You can do it!

[Marked&Healed]

I'm sorry, did I miss it? Why can't you move back in?

I also wondered a lot if he was "just done" with me or if it was MLC. Then clarity hit me, about two months into the journey, and it was this: IT DOESN'T MATTER.

People kept saying it but it didn't sink in. (1) If it's MLC, your path is to work on yourself, make yourself happy, make yourself fulfilled and fix any problems you have (did he spew anything at you that was a problem you had to fix? Too fat, too thin, too controlling, not controlling enough, etc? Decide if it was true and if so, do you want to fix it?) and (2) he's just done with you? Move on, make yourself happy, work on your own problems, make yourself fulfilled.

See what I mean? It sunk in about 8 weeks in for me.

Take time for you and really do the hard, introspective work to see what it is that you need to fix, and then do those things.

[RLay1100]

I am still having a hard time letting go and detaching more... I will just list the questions that keep going through my mind (over and over the last few days)... (Maybe it will help to get it out, even if no one has an answer......IDK. ::sigh::)

Why is he so mean to me when I am so nice to him? Why can't he just be nice and understanding that I am hurting so bad?

Why does he act like he can't trust me, like I am his #1 enemy?

It's as if he is continually trying to punish me. Why?

He says that he hates my guts and doesn't see us ever getting back together. He likes the peace of not having a nagging, controlling, (blah blah blah) wife. He says all we did was argue and fight and that we're just not compatible. Has anyone had a MLC H say that they didn't ever want to get back together, but then have a change of heart after a period of time? What caused the change of heart?

He is continually pursuing other women, sweet-talking many, "in love" with the 19 YO. Since I'm out of the house and having NC with him, isn't that making it easier for these women to move into his heart and he forget about me and the love/life we shared? ("Out of sight, out of mind"...?)

What are some DB'ing techniques I should be doing right now besides NC? I don't know how to act around him when I do have to have contact. (It is so weird to me to be standing right in front of my husband and not know what to say or do. ::sigh::)

Will he ever see me as someone important, worth respect and appreciation again, or will he always see me as someone to run from and hate?

How do I get my kids and me through all this???

[RLay1100]

I know that from my last few posts it SEEMS like I am doing nothing but focusing on MLC H, but I am trying my best to follow the advice given to me here. I am just venting my feelings, concerns here in a place where I know people understand and can relate their own stories, advice, opinions.

Things I have done to GAL:
I joined a gym and go work-out regularly.

I have went out with friends and even stayed out late on a few occasions.

I journal.

I got my first manicure over the last weekend.

I make sure to make every moment spent with my boys count and appreciate them so much more.

These are all things I never did in the entire time I was with my husband (11 years). :-)

[Truegritter]

I joined a gym and go work-out regularly.

I have went out with friends and even stayed out late on a few occasions.

I journal.

I got my first manicure over the last weekend.

I make sure to make every moment spent with my boys count and appreciate them so much more.

These are all good things and keep doing them.

You HAVE to detach more. It is the only way to keep the crazy thoughts out of your head. BELIEVE me.

How do I get my kids and me through all this???

This is why you have to take care of YOU. You have to do this. If your pain isn't enough to listen to what I'm telling you then your kids should be. You have to get yourself to a strong place and that is why we are here telling you these things.

If you are still focused on H then you have to do better.

DETACH

[Marked&Healed]

Detach
GAL
SET YOUR GOALS - so important. I like to set some babystepgoals relating to H, and some long term goals (like he'll sleep in the same bed again) BUT you must also set personal goals, these being the most important.

I've attained many of my personal goals already, as most had to do with physical stuff (haircut, new perfume, etc) - it's good to have easy goals in the beginning so you feel like you've achieved something. Helps your PMA.

[Truegritter]

Rlay

How are you doin?

[RLay1100]

Yesterday was a good day. This morning I am wondering what he's doing, thinking about the OW situation... ::sigh::

I'm still panicking thinking I'm not doing enough to save my marriage.

[Truegritter]

This morning I am wondering what he's doing, thinking about the OW situation

You are not going to have a chance to save your M until you save YOU

and this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is a waste of energy, time and is painful. So....

DON'T do it!

I know this is hard. Let me tell what I had to do to stop this. I had to stop talking to me W. Stopped looking at everything and anything that gave me info about her. No snooping.

I wore a rubber band on my wrist and when I thought about her I would snap myself on the wrist.

Do whatever you have to do to get past this point and detach completely. When you do this you won't be:

... still panicking thinking I'm not doing enough to save my marriage.