OK, I understand what you are saying but do you want to be right or married?
married. :P
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You knew it was wrong yet didn't do anything productive to solve the problem. Why? You didn't have the tools and weren't aware of how it appeared in your relationship with your H and his family. I am trying to help you become aware of the unhealthy dialouge and how to remedy it. You need to learn the tools of healthy dialouge.
ok. i get it now. i thought you were just pointing it out and trying to get me to feel more compasionate. because compassion is a way to combat the anger i me. but i guess i assumed that it stopped there. you didn't ask me a follow up question like .. how would you respond if he did such and such? you always ask a follow up question!
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The first step in reconciling is losing all the negative feelings. The only one you can change is yourself, Forrest is fond of pointing out that we can only address you in our dialouges so the advise is geared to you and hence all the work. So are you ready to do the work?
i am ready. it's going to "hurt" but yeah, if there is a chance that i could do something to get my best friend to stop being mad at me for something i didn't do. i'm in.
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Hope you had a great weekend squash girl. You will cherish your time here later I promise.
well, glad you asked about my weekend. here is me journaling ..
coach, forrest, and lauraoh has given me a lot to think about over the weekend. trying to wrap my head around the codependency issue has caused my anxiety attacks to come back.
although i got a lot accomplished (mainly errands that i've put off for too long) this weekend, i couldn't help but wonder what my h was up to. i still couldn't get the "is he seeing someone?" issue out of my head. i didn't not stalk him or anything but in the end, i manage to convince myself that i never doubted him before. even after the d-bomb, there was no evidence that there was someone else.
i googled codependency and found a long list of traits. and the majority of them fit my h's mother. i started thinking of all the past incidents where warning signs were flashing.
i remember one christmas, we were in h's hometown for two weeks. one of h's best friends invited us to a party at their place. it was a chance for h to see all of his friends. but his mother convinced us not to go. saying that there will be lots of check stops to nab those drinking and driving. she also said that i wouldn't have any fun there since i didn't know h's friends very well. that i wouldn't like them because they weren't a bit more rowdy than what i would be used to - being the preppy east coast girl that i am, i guess she figured i couldn't adapt to their midwest, down home style partying. in the end, we gave into her request to stay home and spend time with them instead. she was elated and said that she wanted us all to herself anyway. at the time, i passed it off as her being 'needy' but no biggie.
to be honest, i was welcomed by h's friends with open arms. i never felt out of place or alienated. they were wonderful and liked that my h had settled down with a nice girl. many of his friends approved of me which was important to me.
not attending the party proved to be a bad move. the next time we were in town, h's friend asked if we were going to drop by to see them or whether they were going to snub them like we did at christmas. if only they knew.
i also recall a conversation i had with h's father once. he had told me that he didn't like being at home with his w. he said that he used to have a lot of friends. but his wife made his friends feel unwelcomed and one by one, they all stopped coming around. so now he has no friends and she commands him to help her with the endless chores around the house that must be done daily. if he helps, she'll say he's doing it wrong. she forces him to stand there and watch her do the task, all while dictating why things have to be done a certain way. she will repeat this task, several times to make sure he understands how it has to be done. in the end, she completes the task and he just watches - a waste of his time, he says.
on top of the co-dependency, h's mother has general anxiety disorder but no one has the courage to confront her about it. she worries when there's a snow storm headed our way. she'll call and tell us not to go to work because a snow storm is coming our way and we might get into an accident, die on the side of the road, and be eaten by wild animals. she'll send us cookies in her care package but worries that the cookies will be damaged in the mailing process. because if a single cookie was broken, we'd hate her. it's funny, she would pack 2 cookies in a tin full of saran wrap cushioning, just so the cookies don't break. sigh.
the one visit that stood out in my mind was thanksgiving from a few years ago. his mother was constantly asking for things to do like ironing h's shirts, vacuuming the entire house, laundry, etc. they stayed for two weeks and for two weeks, the washer and dryer were going non-stop. i couldn't believe how much laundry she was doing - we don't generate that much laundry! we were prepping the turkey for thanksgiving and when it came to washing anything that touched the raw poultry, she said the dishwasher had to be set on sani-rinse and heat dry. i said uh .. no sani-rinse and no heat dry. she looked liked she was going to burst into tears. h stepped in and said how about sani-rinse and no heat dry? i rolled my eyes and just gave in. even though i wasn't near the bird, she demanded for my clothes because they too had to be sterilized due to flying salmonella that may have contaminated my clothes. i didn't remove my clothes until a few hours later. i removed them in my bedroom and then hopped in the shower. i heard a bump while i was in the shower but didn't think much of it. the next day, h's mother handed me my clothes - they had been bleached, washed on hot, dried on hot, and folded. the bump i heard was her sneaking in my bedroom and going through my laundry basket in search of the contaminated clothes. none of my other dirty clothese were touched but she was on a mission to find the turkey clothes.
the turkey was also a headache for us. when the turkey was done, she thought the juices were still pink (paranoia) and said it had to be put back in for another hour. h was angry on the inside because he wanted to show that he knew how to cook a turkey (h is a good cook so he knew it was done). to please her, he put the bird back in for another 45 mins. i didn't know this was going on and when i saw the grouchy look on h's face, i asked what was wrong. he said his mother didn't think the turkey was done so we have to put it back in for another 45 mins. he whispered to me .. it's going to be so dry. so i walked over to the oven, and i turned it off. turkey is done, i exclaimed. there was no reason for this. crying just to get your way?
after they had left, h and i were mentally exhausted. i couldn't believe how exhausted i was. to have to keep up with her manipulation and demands, it really tested our relationship. i laid down the ground rules with h that the next time they were to visit, his mother will not be allowed to run our home as if it were her own. he had the difficult conversation with her and as usual, she cried and cried and cried. she was only trying to help. she said she felt unwelcomed and that she will never set foot in our house ever again. it was hard on h because this was his mother. i guess as a co-dependent himself, he felt responsible for her feelings. i think deep down, he resents me for making him confront his mother on the issue.
a lot of things came out of that confrontation. i found out that she had held a grudge against me because she felt excluded from our wedding plans. i recall asking h whether he wanted a mother/son dance and he said not really and that it didn't really matter. but now i hear that she felt it was too much "east coast prep" and not very "mid-west". i guess i could have included her in my wedding plans but i do recall her saying that she wanted to respect my traditions and she wanted to take part in my cultural ceremony as well. but now she says the wedding leaned towards my culture more than theirs. why wasn't this brought up at the time? we did our best to include both traditions and h agreed with much of the plans that we had set out. why bring up things like that now?
all along, i kept blaming h's mom for manipulating my h. she drove away her husband's friends. she is going to drive away h's friends (by coercing us to spend time with them instead of his friends). and now she's driven me out of the picture too. i should have seen this coming. it was only a matter of time that i was next. is there a way to turn things around? if i had done something truly unforgiveable, i can understand that i may not get a second chance. but what did i do? i'm being accused of being mean, unwelcoming, ungrateful, and just bitchy for what? how did h's mom end up with that much power?
i guess i feel sorry for them to have to hold on to a grudge like that.
i'm overwhelmed by the information and explanations. the more information i get, i feel like the road to reconciliation is getting longer and longer. i get anxious because the road is so long that i can't see the end. i am afraid of what the end of the road will look like. i am afraid the anger will never subside. but i need to have faith and do a lot of praying. listen to my advisors. maybe they were sent by God. maybe He has been listening to me all along?
on the self-care side, i enrolled in the baking class at the local craft store. it's a 4 week course that my friends recommended. there are 3 courses in total so i will take the 2nd course in july, and the final course in august. my goal is to create cute cupcakes for my nephew's 3rd birthday in october.
it was a busy weekend but i still feel like there is so much to do. i made time for yoga today and after the class, i stepped on the scale and saw that i had gained 4 lbs but i'm still under 100 lbs. i'm doing my best to eat healthy and fresh fruits and veggies. i watch what i spend and i'm careful with how i spend my money. they say that the woman usually suffers financially in a divorce. i don't want to be that statistic either. i'm not in any financial trouble but i'm back to that 'poverty' mentality again. it's only temporary though. i slip in the occasional reward when i have a good day - i learned that from my h.
Questions.. control a conversation. They can direct it.. they can mold it. It becomes important to understand that when you are in a situation like this. Even if the question is not answered.. it still controls. When someone "ignores" the question.. it allows you a chance to make a decision to re-ask it.. or "enforce" the question.
Like if you run into H... You smile and ask a question.. "Hey you.. how was your weekend?"
He can ignore it.. or answer it.
While he is pondering what to do.. it gives you the chance to decide how to "react" to what he says.
"i am ready. it's going to "hurt" but yeah, if there is a chance that i could do something to get my best friend to stop being mad at me for something i didn't do. i'm in."
This is a pretty solid thought. Think about the situation like this. What would you do.. if.. this was just your BFF.. and he/she had all the same issues your H does? Can you see the "Emotional" (You) side of things now? Can you understand why your mind can "hold YOU back"?
"coach, forrest, and lauraoh has given me a lot to think about over the weekend. trying to wrap my head around the codependency issue has caused my anxiety attacks to come back."
Told ya. I understand that some people need to walk thru all the fine details. I get it.. I really do. The issue I have with it is that in doing so.. you are looking for a solution in the wrong place. You are to a point re-enforcing that "they" were the issue. What has happened.. is really not that important. To a point the WAS has already put this "stuff" behind them.. so much so.. they "forget" about the good stuff. Walking Away.. is a reaction. It is an Emotional reaction. It is never based in solid.. life changing thought. It is like being on fire.. and running around the room. We all know the person on fire.. wants someone to put them out. We also know all they really had to do.. was Stop.. Drop and Roll. Think about what would happen.. if you sat there pondering why this "crazy fool" was running around the room while on fire. Was it their mom coddling them too much as a child? I know.. it was the fire class teacher! He/She did not explain S,D and R so the person on fire understood. No.. maybe they are just "stupid" and did not retain the training. Maybe.. they set themselves on fire.. that's it!
Even after all that thought.. the solution's still are.. YOU do something.. or you hope THEY do something to help themselves.
So.. to DB it.. You "Act as if" you can help or you "Go Dark" and see what happens.
"i feel like the road to reconciliation is getting longer and longer."
Why? Just because you are more informed now.. what in that changed the "time frame"? You are allowing "this" to overwhelm you. You are creating obstacles for yourself. All of this stuff comes into play when you move to "piecing". You don't need any of this info.. to help you do anything right now. Right now.. we don't want to talk about the R you had with H. You have to get your foot in the door first. We want to talk with the H about how his weekend was.. and hope he answers the questions.
"i am afraid of what the end of the road will look like."
You have already started down the road.. have you not? You made that choice. You can't change that now.. all you can do is say.. man.. I so should have been going the other way. Now I have to walk further.. and it is hot.. now I am sweating. That right there is the "Work".. when you know you made a poor choice and understand you have to change it. As long as you know this new road is the "best" way.. everything will fall into place.
Lets get some rough drafts up on your statement..
Heck.. just free write some words/thoughts. Maybe we can refine it from just that.
"Forrest is fond of pointing out that we can only address you in our dialouges so the advise is geared to you and hence all the work."
To be clear.. I usually say that when people are getting all "moody" on me. They think I am attacking them and stuff. I have also said.. if you can get your "partner" to post.. I will talk directly at them too. At the end of the day.. it is your post. It is your life. All I can do is try and point out where there is "Drama". Or.. help you create some. I am very good at both. What happens after that.. well that is up to you.
GG.. get your mind in the game! Focus on that!
You gotta start playing.. to even have a shot at "winning".
Now...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
While he is pondering what to do.. it gives you the chance to decide how to "react" to what he says.
i have to work on the 'reaction'. actions speak louder than words. i can't always have that 'look' that gets me into trouble.
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This is a pretty solid thought. Think about the situation like this. What would you do.. if.. this was just your BFF.. and he/she had all the same issues your H does? Can you see the "Emotional" (You) side of things now? Can you understand why your mind can "hold YOU back"?
yeah. i think so.
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Told ya. I understand that some people need to walk thru all the fine details. I get it.. I really do. The issue I have with it is that in doing so.. you are looking for a solution in the wrong place. You are to a point re-enforcing that "they" were the issue. What has happened.. is really not that important.
i think i understand why you filter out the details and zero in on certain things. all along, i kept providing details to see if it would have an effect on your answer. but it's like your fire theme. it doesn't matter sometimes - the solution is still to stop, drop, and roll.
the problem with me is that when i start thinking about the past, i end up going in circles wondering why i can't get out of this mess or why i can't move forward.
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To a point the WAS has already put this "stuff" behind them.. so much so.. they "forget" about the good stuff. Walking Away.. is a reaction. It is an Emotional reaction. It is never based in solid.. life changing thought.
john gottman says that when the WAS forgets the good stuff, then there is no hope. another strike against the good girl.
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Why? Just because you are more informed now.. what in that changed the "time frame"? You are allowing "this" to overwhelm you. You are creating obstacles for yourself. All of this stuff comes into play when you move to "piecing". You don't need any of this info.. to help you do anything right now. Right now.. we don't want to talk about the R you had with H. You have to get your foot in the door first. We want to talk with the H about how his weekend was.. and hope he answers the questions.
in other words, focus on the 'now'. can't change the past.
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man.. I so should have been going the other way. Now I have to walk further.. and it is hot.. now I am sweating. That right there is the "Work".. when you know you made a poor choice and understand you have to change it. As long as you know this new road is the "best" way.. everything will fall into place.
it does feel like i'm walking on hot coals barefoot. it hurts and you wonder what you did. nothing in life comes easy. and often the toughest road has yield the greatest reward.
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Lets get some rough drafts up on your statement..
1. hey .. i see you got a hair cut. looks good. how are your folks doing? 2. hey .. how are things? have you heard anything from the doctor about your cardio tests? are you dying? you did say that the marriage was killing you. 3. hey .. how's it going? have you been watching the basketball playoffs? i'm looking forward to the suns/lakers game tonight. the laker feed is always really good in HD. 4. hey .. how's it going? how's the new gf? hope she's not a gold digger like me. look, i know you're cheating on me so don't even pretend you aren't .. f*king bastard! (i don't know if he is cheating on me and all along, there was never someone else but i get these crazy scenarios in my head that anything is possible of course, infidelity is not negotiable. if it were true, i would be asking for half the nuts in the divorce settlement if that was the case. you think the Good Girl was "threatening" to his mother? you ain't seen nothing yet.).
so far .. that's all i got. how do we refine these? i have to remember, the delivery is more important than the words themselves. no eye rolling, no giving 'the look'.
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At the end of the day.. it is your post. It is your life. All I can do is try and point out where there is "Drama". Or.. help you create some. I am very good at both. What happens after that.. well that is up to you.
i have to get my head screwed on straight. i hate drama but if it helps to get a reaction, then yeah do it. right now, i feel shut out. there is no crack in the door. maybe it's a good thing. i just have to wait it out a bit.
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GG.. get your mind in the game! Focus on that!
You gotta start playing.. to even have a shot at "winning".
stop dwelling on the past. look ahead. at the end of the week, it will be a month of darkness. i've done a lot for myself .. i love my space, i made it my own. i am managing just fine and have been looking out for me. i have not been needy or clingy. i have been independent for a while .. h just didn't know it.
if he could see this, he would want to be with me instead of his parents. there is something very liberating about being in control of your own life.
the problem with me is that when i start thinking about the past, i end up going in circles wondering why i can't get out of this mess or why i can't move forward.
because no one in the R has changed the dynamics. Who is going to find a solution?
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john gottman says that when the WAS forgets the good stuff, then there is no hope.
Your job is to help your H find hope. What can you do so that he sees hope in his wife, marriage and life? What will make you attractive to him now?
You have to detach, it allows you to love without fear.
This concept helped me:
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In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[10]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[11]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[11]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[11]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
What can you do to break out of the darkness? Your H is wondering what you are up to, he knows he has hurt you and he is confused.
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there is something very liberating about being in control of your own life.
That is a real gift to give your husband. Can you handle it?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
for some reason, i am regressing today. it's been difficult concentrating at work. it feels like anxiety but not full blown.
i know i'm doing the right things for me. i am keeping myself busy. i'm reviewing my thread to find some solace. all i can find are things i need to think about.
1.) coach's 180 180 idea: ask him to help me with something goal: get him to ask me out my thoughts: he hates me so much. i will get turned down if i ask him for help.
2.) forrest and laura's suggestion to meet h's LL i can't think of anything that i can give him. we live in the same building and even though i think about him, i've never been crazy enough to go up to his floor and knock on his door. he might get mad and ask for a restraining order.
3.) i'm so angry today. it's the anxiety coming back.
Use the ABCDE technique to dispute your thinking right now. Coach yourself up. What would you be telling your BFF right now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Detach GG, so it doesn't really matter how he reacts. It will be more about YOU being the bigger, more mature one. And doing the 180 or LL or whatever it is you decide to do.
I would actually expect it to go "just OK". Sitting here, detached from your sitch, like it is a movie, I'm already seeing what will happen--you meet, you give your script (or gift), a bit of chit chat about nothing, but you'll be looking him in the eye (respect), not mad (he'll feel it--and it's a 180). If it goes a little further, great, if not, it was still good. A little light flirting would be AWESOME if you could manage it
If H gets mad, which, I rather doubt it (I think he'll be too surprised) you validate and wish him a good day and it's still good.
And you will come back and these guys will tell you you did the right thing, gave H something to think about, and you may or may not be encouraged, but you SHOULD be, because in the end you ARE the bigger person.
You are going to a cooking class, right? Let H "sample" your wares. Tell him he's the only one whose opinion you can really trust because he was always truthful.
because no one in the R has changed the dynamics. Who is going to find a solution?
i don't want to force the situation. i want it to happen naturally. but it seems like nobody is making a move. who's going to blink first?
when i run into him next time, i hope i am not as angry as i am today.
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Your job is to help your H find hope. What can you do so that he sees hope in his wife, marriage and life? What will make you attractive to him now?
i think i am struggling with this one. because i don't know what to believe anymore.
when he first dropped the d-bomb, he said he was so traumatized by my behaviour at Christmas that he developed chest pains. he said the longer he stayed in the marriage, he was going to die of a heart attack.
i gave him space to think. he spoke to an ic and i think he went in validating his reasons for d. he came up with a list of differences between the two of us that made us incompatible.
1. the way we spend money. he spends lavishly and i spend conservatively. i never said he couldn't spend his money. he never raised this with me as an issue. so it was the first time i heard of it.
2. he felt that he was dragging me through his life. i didn't see his point because ever since we got married and moved to the new small town, i was the one who found the squash clubs for us to join. did he ever initiate any planning? no. every club that we join, was found by me.
every christmas party we've attended, were held by my workplace or my friends. we never attended anything from his workplace or his friends. in fact, often he wouldn't even mention that his friends wanted us to go for dinner with them. so who was dragging who through who's life?
3. religion. my religion takes up 5 minutes of my time two times a month. i don't get h involved and i never have. why is this an issue? does it hinder any of our daily activities? no.
4. children. sometimes he says he doesn't want kids because he's too old. somtimes i don't want kids either but did we ever talk about it? no. at least, he's never brought it up.
5. intimacy. he says quantity and quality. we differ. it's odd because when i told him i was going to seek counselling, he told me to ask about my intimacy issues. why would he care? if he's dropping the d-bomb, he's never getting any from me ever again. why even be concerned about it?
then as time went on, issues #1, 2, 3, and 4 were brought up again. the only issue that was still on the table was intimacy.
after pressing him a second time, he said what prompted him to drop the d-bomb was my treatment of his parents at christmas and the lack of intimacy in the month of december.
those were the two issues he could not get out of his head.
ok. so how am i supposed to change? when his mother was here, i show restraint. i did not snap back even when she was rude to me. i confront h about her attitude and i said i thought you said she was afraid of me? and he denied he ever said it.
he told me that his parents were second guessing his decision to marry me. ok. why do you want pictures of us when you can't wait to rid yourself of this "mistake" named "Good Girl"? i thought he wanted to move on .. to which he replied "no, i never said that".
i'm really confused. what am i supposed to believe and what is my 180? i stopped talking about children. i discussed my intimacy issues with my ic. i gave up my religious practice. i bought nice things for my apartment.
i got a life. i am out and about quite a bit. he just sits in his apartment or he goes to work. he can't play squash at any of the clubs now because some people know that he's done this to me.
when we were still living under the same roof .. he wouldn't come home for dinner because he didn't want me making dinner for him. but then one day he made dinner and greeted me at the door. he didn't want a hug one day .. and then the next he'd tell me that it's okay to hug. i don't get it.
one day he'll say he would rather be alone for the rest of his life cuz it's better than being with me. and the next day, he's depressed because he's afraid he's going to be alone for the rest of his life. <what is it that you want?>
coach, forrest .. i know i'm dwelling on the past. but i'm having a hard time grasping what i'm supposed to do. i don't know what to believe. to me, he just hates me. and i don't know what i've done. is it my fault that the codependent mother is manipulative and exaggerated her "fear" of me? is it my fault that the law says i'm entitled to 50% of the home? i did not fight for a single penny when it came to the furniture. yes, i walked out with less .. i am so tired of these childish games. this isn't a game. you're dealing with people's emotions and feelings. if he's trying to punish me for what i supposedly did to his parents .. i don't know what to say.
i guess i just don't buy it that he's confused. it's like he can't get the dollar signs out of his mind. that i'm just the worst person on earth for agreeing with the law. he's a grown man in a senior mgmt position. don't tell me he's that big of an idiot to not know that when it comes to divorce, it's 50/50. every guy out there knows it. does he want me to agree to a 75/25 split in order for me to be attractive to him again? sorry, it ain't happening.
he's trying to win the approval of his father because his father asked him if he had a pre-nup. he said no. and i'm sure they were disappointed in him for not protecting himself because now the Good Girl is going to take him for all he's worth. that's when it snowballed out of control and i felt like there was no going back.
i fear that he wants to continue to punish me. he knows that infidelity would hurt me more than anything in the world. would he be cruel enough to do that just to punish me? that's why i can't get that out of my head. what if he does it for the sake of punishing me?
if he wanted out, why didn't he just get out? sometimes it appears like he's hanging on and sometimes he's moved on. changed his msn id, changed his skype id, hid his fb status. i don't need to contact him. he says he's no longer on msn but i doubt it. he's just created a new id so he can chat with his mother or his mother can continue to manipulate him.
oh yeah, he said his parents are washing their hands of our situation. he don't want to get involved. yet, the mother is constantly in the picture. another lie.
do you want me to GAL? done. do you want me to initiate sex? when you ask for a d that can't happen.
what can make me attractive to h again? well, he said that i am no longer the same person he fell in love with. what was that person? i smiled, i had a lot of male friends. we used to work at the same company and he noticed that i had a 'fan club'. every guy (married, single, in an r) was drawn to me. i was just a genuinely nice person. i didn't care if someone was fat, skinny, tall, short, whatever. i still am that person. that's why i manage to meet two guys in the elevator of my building. even the security guards are really nice to me.
the only time i don't smile, is when i run into h. i am reminded of how much hurt he's caused so many people. it will take every ounce of energy in me to smile at him. it's like being fed crap and saying "yummy". at least, that's how it feels now.
there .. that's my melt down. (sorry forrest, my ic says writing it out should make me feel better and is an outlet for my anger).
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You have to detach, it allows you to love without fear.
i think i have to detach to allow myself to love without anger.
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What can you do to break out of the darkness? Your H is wondering what you are up to, he knows he has hurt you and he is confused.
this is where i don't buy it. i don't think he knows he has hurt me. a co-dependent only thinks about how they feel hurt. that's why my h said "in order to save myself, i have to hurt the one i love." they only think about how life is unfair for them because we weren't able to read their minds.
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Quote: there is something very liberating about being in control of your own life.
That is a real gift to give your husband. Can you handle it?
yes. my friends and family wanted me to move home when this happened. i chose to stay and wait it out for a year. everyone thought i would run home to my family. i chose not to. i started a new job when the d-bomb was dropped. i tried my best to stay focused on my new job. i organized my own move, packed my own things, i stayed strong and i showed h that i could do it on my own. i wasn't helpless. i was in control of my own life. and i did it.
one day, i will own my own home again. i will do it alone without financial assistance from my parents - another dig at h. h owes his parents money for his first condo from 15 yrs ago. he's never paid a penny of it back despite making really good money.
i tried to model financial responsibility. but h took it as me not allowing him to spend. i never said he couldn't. i just put my money towards other things - like debt or retirement savings before spending it on nice to haves. h often dipped into the bank of mom and dad whenever he needed money. sigh ..
ugh .. my brain dump is not good. i'm bringing up too much from the past. too much about what i'm angry about. i need to get off this ride.
so i walked over to the oven, and i turned it off. turkey is done, i exclaimed. there was no reason for this. crying just to get your way?