the problem with me is that when i start thinking about the past, i end up going in circles wondering why i can't get out of this mess or why i can't move forward.
because no one in the R has changed the dynamics. Who is going to find a solution?
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john gottman says that when the WAS forgets the good stuff, then there is no hope.
Your job is to help your H find hope. What can you do so that he sees hope in his wife, marriage and life? What will make you attractive to him now?
You have to detach, it allows you to love without fear.
This concept helped me:
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In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[10]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[11]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[11]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[11]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
What can you do to break out of the darkness? Your H is wondering what you are up to, he knows he has hurt you and he is confused.
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there is something very liberating about being in control of your own life.
That is a real gift to give your husband. Can you handle it?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
