MLCer or addicted infidel?

[newmama]

YIKES! Poor DS! I hope he likes his cast and gets his friends to sign it! What did your H say/do?

[courageous wife]

(((WN)))

My D11 broke her femur dirtbike riding a few years ago! It was terrible too! They ended up doing surgery and put pins in, then last fall, she fell at school and broke her wrist!

They do heal and will get lots of attention at school! Although, I assume he is done with this baseball season...that will be tough!

Sending hugs and prayers!

[WhatNow]

Well DS managed to figure out how to work the XBox with one hand...He's gonna be fine! Thank you everyone for your well wishes!

CW..Doc said 2 weeks before he is sure he won't need surgery. Wow a femur on such a little tyke! Bet you could still carry her around but I imagine a leg would be far more challenging than an arm.

Last night I texted H that we were in ER. Took 15 min to reply but after that he was responding right away, kept asking questions, asked if he should come, was really attentive. ???

H came over. Texted from the drive..."Here". (I had left the garage door open.) Ds16 was in the garage and the 3 of us chatted about her car needing new tires. (He checked out my boobs and smiled) I wandered back into the house. H hung out in garage, going thru the file cab for old contracts.

I could sense he was uncomfortable being here. He came into the kitchen and ran back out. The next time, he came in, asked me a question and ran out. The next time, he came in and walked over to sees DS and his arm splint. He ran out again...Awhile later he came in and asked me to help him stake the tree. Then he worked on DS's computer.

I asked him if he had plans for the summer. He said it was too far away. No, school is out a week from Tues and does he plan on spending any time w/ kids. Yeah, I'm around he said, did I think he dropped off the face of the earth? Well yeah! I told him I wanted to plan a trip to Chicago and one to the beach after the cast comes off DS. H says, I'm still confused. Oh... When his worlds collide, he zones out. So, now that I've asked, I feel free to do whatever and not let his plans interfere.

After that I was on my bedroom patio, he came out and asked me to help him w/DD18's car. ????Scoped out the bedroom on the way back thru.. I know nothing about cars but i pointed at the radiator and said steam comes out of there...

We chatted about DD18 and her car while he putzed with it. He asked if there was anything else he could do. No , he said make a list and he would come soon.??? I don't know why it came out but it did...I asked him if he had time to join DS and I at the pizza place. No, he had to get to a shop before it closed. OK bye, i waved him out and closed the garage door.

Then he texts "thanks for the offer"

Then he calls and leaves a voicemail.

Then he calls again...I answer this one. He wants to chat some more about DD car, and other minor kid stuff he hasn't been around to hear. hmmmmm. He got pretty comfortable over the 3 hours eh.

Theeennn, he emails that he "heard from someone" that DD18's FB wall was public and I should check into it. I replied "Who's the stalker looking up our daughters FB??" Later, after checking with her, I emailed she didn't know it was and changed it.

Weird weird day. I felt nothing. Just kinda watching him from a distance. After he left, the sadness jumped in but didn't last long. Now that I am here, I am wondering what it all means.
Been gone 20 weeks.......

[newmama]

WN when you measure it in weeks it sounds longer. I would have to say my WH has been gone for 58 weeks!I'd rather say a little over a year. (weird to say that)

warning- this involves some mind reading!

It sounds like your H is having major guilt- all the running around to check on the kids. I wonder if he is missing his old life at the same time...

He doesn't want to be pressured obviously (duh) about things like the future and going out to pizza with you all.

HOWEVER he obviously doesn't want your feelings to be hurt because he texted you to thank you....it's like he doesn't want you to think he doesn't care.

Yes YOU plan your life and then inform him of the dates you will be gone.

what have you done differently since 3/10 by the way?

[courageous wife]

Glad your son is handling things well!

Your H reminds me of mine (some of the stuff) and the stuff he does when he is here.

Yes, D11 was small enough when she broke her leg that I could carry her pretty easily which was good! I had to carry her to the bathroom etc. A few days after she got out of the hospital, H and S14 left to go to a motocross race in St Louis, which had already been planned, so I was on my own with her for 3 days. She had a wheelchair for school!

[WhatNow]

Thanks for the feedback!

He doesn't want to be pressured obviously (duh) about things like the future and going out to pizza with you all.

Yeah and I think he spent a whole lot longer here than he told OW he would be. She seems to be keeping him on a tight leash.

I didn't intend to pressure him by asking if he had plans for summer. I guess it was my way of saying I was making them without him but wanted to be considerate. Should have just said that. (or nothing! duh)

Your H reminds me of mine (some of the stuff) and the stuff he does when he is here.

This was only his 2nd time here. I have no idea what it was all about. Weird.....

[WhatNow]

Just a weird week.

This is so hard. I can't tell what he is after.
I am so afraid of allowing cake-eating but do not want to cut him off completely. Especially since I am now in control of my emotions. I am living my life quite nicely, albeit lonely.

I know I shouldn't analyze his behavior, but how else do I know how to respond? I am trying to stay dim, but he is becoming a pest. He is calling, texting, with unimportant stuff.

Last night, he stopped by for junk mail and a gym bag he'd lent DD. 2 minutes after he leaves, he's calling again.

Earlier yesterday, I had to send him some tax records for this hassle we are going thru with the business. He texted me that they were what he needed and to wish him luck. So I did. There were a half dozen or so more texts, him being down about the possible outcome and me offering encouragement and support. I was brief, You can do it, It will be ok, and other confidence upping stuff.

Today he called to tell me what happened at the attny mtg. Very chatty, (1/2 hour) just like he used to be. Now I know this is something he can talk about with OW, so why am I now talk-to-able? I really do not want to be his friend while he is living with OW in the sleazy ho-tel. OTOH, I want him to know I am safe. But also know that my life life is going on. maybe he is waiting for me to move on and file, he's checking to see if I'm ok with it. I know this is mind-reading. How else do I determine how to respond? Stay dim, go darker so this isn't a concern? But then he'll think.....

AND I know not to focus on him. Here is where I come to get H issues off my chest so I can spend the rest of the day totally focused on me and my kids.

Wish H wasn't being so pesty...or maybe pesty is a good thing?....

[newmama]

I know I shouldn't analyze his behavior, but how else do I know how to respond? I am trying to stay dim, but he is becoming a pest. He is calling, texting, with unimportant stuff.

Hmmm. Dim = increased communication from H.

So why change it if it works? What is that saying- "do what works?"

You can always ask me to help you mind read or analyze your H,lol!

Now of course we want to think the best and hope your H is missing you (which he is) and is figuring out how to come back....BUT there are other explanations:

any chance he could be quarreling with OW? A friend of mine theorizes that during limbo, when the WS reaches out to us, it is because of trouble in paradise. But he warns that when the argument clears up, the behavior goes away. So if you stay consistent and then see him becoming less pesty, this could make sense.

When he acts like this to you, are you staying consistent?

Does he have any possible ulterior motive regarding money or needing to butter you up for something?

[newmama]

I am so afraid of allowing cake-eating but do not want to cut him off completely. Especially since I am now in control of my emotions. I am living my life quite nicely, albeit lonely.

Like I said in the previous post, if what you are doing is working (meaning he is pursuing connecting with you) then keep it going! Also trust your intuition. I also believe in my case, going dark would hurt more than help, so dim it is. And it looks like dim is good for you. You started it a couple of months ago but if I am recalling correctly, you have seen more and more glimpses of your old H in the last month, right?

[Lostforwords]

Whatnow-

Going completely dark is the realm of empty nest spouses

Dim is more the world of parents. With kids in the home, going completely dark is extremely hard. So just go with the conversation, listen, validate, and for question aimed at you...be vague or short in reply. That greats a fog of curiosity around yourself.

Realize the peskiness will get worse. He is testing the waters with no real want to jump back in.