Had a good weekend with the kids. Whenever she gets home, I make sure I have something to do or somewhere to go. Sat. afternoon was her nephews b'day party. I didn't ask if I was invited or not, she didn't tell me there even was a party. When she said what was going on, I just said I was going here and then there. She asked if I was coming home that night. I just looked at her. She said she was just asking because she had to be at work at 4:00am. I said that I knew that, see you later. Sun. after church and lunch, she got home and said her niece had a dance recital that she a D6 were going to. I told the boys to get ready and we had a boys day out. The four of us went to a movie, went to eat, to a park and then came home and played video games and watched movies as loud and as long as we wanted. They got home at 10:00pm and D6 said she wished I had came along. "It was fun having a girl's day, but I missed you, Dad." She said it in front of W and then said she wanted to sleep with me since mom and dad didn't sleep together much anymore. W said sure you can sleep with dad, and went and slept on the couch.
So, things haven't really changed at all. She still thinks breaking up would be best for the kids when we all know better.
I find myself not really sad at all anymore. I don't know who this woman is. I still hope we can save our M, but I have let her go. I don't love who she has become and I won't miss her when she goes. Detachment is complete. I understand it now. Still have to have patience, but not worried about the outcome anymore. If anything, I wish she would hurry up and go. Does that make sense?
Are you acting like the husband you want to be? If you are acting cold & avoiding her, why would she want to commit to you? How can you save a M to someone who is convinced that you want out?
ID, I only read your last post and know nothing of your situation but it just made me really sad. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I do wish for you that the hopelessness you feel about your marriage could be replaced with a more promising outlook.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
I don't think I am acting that way. When I am around her, I am friendly, ask about her day or if she had a good time or whatever. I try to avoid her bitchy moods, which are often. In the past, I would let her upset me, piss me off, feel depressed, etc. I let it all roll off of me now. She wants to separate bad but won't leave, she expects me to. I have let her know that it is she who wants out, I will not leave the kids or my home.
I understand what you are asking and I admit to having trouble striking a balance between avoiding and trying to "make" her see the changes within me. I take care of our kids, I take care of the house when she doesn't have time. She is not receptive, right now, of any feelings of friendship or any relationship of any kind. She wants out. Period. If you have any suggestions on how else to act around her, I am all ears!
I don't think I am acting that way. When I am around her, I am friendly, ask about her day or if she had a good time or whatever. I try to avoid her bitchy moods, which are often. In the past, I would let her upset me, piss me off, feel depressed, etc. I let it all roll off of me now. She wants to separate bad but won't leave, she expects me to. I have let her know that it is she who wants out, I will not leave the kids or my home.
I understand what you are asking and I admit to having trouble striking a balance between avoiding and trying to "make" her see the changes within me. I take care of our kids, I take care of the house when she doesn't have time. She is not receptive, right now, of any feelings of friendship or any relationship of any kind. She wants out. Period. If you have any suggestions on how else to act around her, I am all ears!
Sounds like you are doing fine with your behavior around her.
I find it tricky sometimes, as I catch myself being aloof or unengaged around my W. Then I think later if she was a random stranger she might have viewed me as being unfriendly.
It can be tough, since treating her like someone you are thrilled to be around almost seems like condoning her behavior, but I can't think like that. Her behavior is what it is. I still have to be someone that women (including her) would be attracted to.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I am doing my best at being even keeled and not pissy or snotty towards her. When she is in one of her moods, which is often, and doesn't want to talk or look at me or whatever, I go do something else. No smart-a$$ comment, just go do my thing. Besides, if she is watching, I am being consistent. If she's not watching and really is done, nothing I can do will make her stay. I know that now. I am just being the best me that I can be. The best dad and the best man. She doesn't want me for a husband. If she ever does change her mind, I am a better person than I was.
I remember, not too long ago, when I was praying for her to change her mind and come back and work on things. Now, even if she did want to, I don't think I would be as quick to just take her back. She would have to prove to me that she meant it. We would have to work together to heal the relationship. I guess that's how it should have been all along, the two of us working together. We both would have a lot to prove to the other.
Either way I am good with. Come back and make the effort or don't: her choice.
I'm assuming she's said nothing with regard to the ultimatum you gave her. Didn't you tell her to let you know within a couple of days?
You are correct, she has said nothing. I don't remember the exact time frame, I would have to go back and check my post. I figured I would wait until this weekend because Friday is the last day of school and it will have been two weeks since our talk.
I did not give her an ultimatum, I just let her know what I had decided was acceptable to me. Ultimatums are bad, right?
She came out a few minutes later and stood there with her arms crossed. I was loading a cooler with beer and said, "I have been thinking all day about what I told you the other day and feel that I need to clear things up a little bit. I told you I would go to MC with you when and if you were ready. I think MC would benefit us as far as communication, and rebuilding trust, friendship and, eventually, love in our M. So, before we do anything else, I need to know if you are willing to go to one with me and work on these issues to see if this M can be saved. If you won't agree to go with me, you need move out and file for divorce. I can't continue to live with someone who treats me the way you do and treats the children the way you do." She said some things that made no sense, like the kids would be better off if we separated, she is tired of trying by herself. She said, " I thought you agreed we needed to separate." I said that I had simply thought about it and changed my mind. That's not what would be best for me or the kids.
As I was getting in the car to leave, I said, "Look, I refuse to get into another arguement. Everything has been said that needs to be said. I need to know in the next couple of days if you will go to MC or not. What we do next depends on your answer. If you won't go with me and refuse to move out, I will get a L and file for D myself. We will then let the judge decide who goes where and who gets what. 'Bye. I won't be late." And I left.
You will be tested on this.
Quote:
I just let her know what I had decided was acceptable to me.
Yes, that is a healthy boundary about behavior. You need to be prepared to state what is unaccaptable behavior in a clear and confident voice. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I see that I did tell her a couple of days. Not surprised. I'm also not too worried about the time table. I have not changed my mind and I do intend on going through with what I told her. The kids are almost done with school and it just seems like the right thing to do, to me, is wait until then.
I'm sure she will test me and I am trying to recognize the tests. Like I said earlier, she asked Sat night if I was coming home. She really wants me to say that I'm not. She has asked me that two or three times. I don't even give her a response anymore. Just a simple good-bye, as if I didn't hear her ask the question.
