Just found out she already filed

[ClingingToHope]

SR, I think you're doing fine. It's just been two months. At two months I was still living with a friend and taking sleeping pills to quiet my thoughts.

The first big thing I did was get a weekend job. I needed the money and it kept me busy instead of sitting around thinking "woe is me."

My GALing didn't really pick up until the end of summer. At first I hung out mostly with my 20-something co-workers because they are the ones likely going out.

Then I located an old HS friend on FB and went in to Chicago on a couple of occasions. I asked a Realtor friend in town who is single to go out a couple of times -- not on dates, as friends -- and those were fun.

A lady who owns a company in town had season hockey tickets -- we have a minor league team -- and I went to three games with her tickets.

I got a real break with an old co-worker. She's married to a friend of mine. He doesn't go out much. She goes out all the time, so I've found a running buddy who is female. That may be key. Women are more likely to talk to a guy who is with other women -- they've been pre-screened -- rather than someone who is just with a lot of dudes. She has a friend I'd like to ask out, but I'm waiting until I'm officially single.

I've done two divorce support groups through church. That hasn't helped me socially, but it gave me a night to get all of the pain out of my system.

I finally found a singles group through the church that wasn't a bunch of 60-year-olds. It's almost all 20s and 30s, but I feel and still look like I'm in my 30s, so that's going well.

At first, it was really, really, really a struggle to find things to do and it makes you feel the pain of separation even more. At this stage in life we shouldn't have to worry about that.

But as time goes on you build a network and more things just start popping up. I'm to the point now where I'm turning things down because I was overdoing things financially.

The class idea is a good one. I've thought about a cooking class. But right now my nights are pretty full. Monday I have softball. Tuesday is free. Wednesdays the girls. Thursdays with the singles group and then the weekend.

You know a big difference between you and I is that you are still in the family home. I was kicked out and resented it at first. Now, everything I see is something I've accomplished on my own. I have very few reminders of STBXW. In fact, this is going to help me long term. This year STBXW has to get the house ready for sale and then keep it clean in case there are any showings.

Knowing the real estate market, it's going to take a year to 18 months at least to sell -- it's going to be a short sale. So this is going to be her tough year.

SR, one thing I read that helped me. The first six months belongs to the WAS. They've been dreaming of being free for a long time, while we clung onto them for dear life.

At six months you will be getting your feet under you. The pain will be there, but you will have figured out the beginning of a new life. The second six months will belong to you.

[flowmom]

The first six months belongs to the WAS. They've been dreaming of being free for a long time, while we clung onto them for dear life.

At six months you will be getting your feet under you. The pain will be there, but you will have figured out the beginning of a new life. The second six months will belong to you.

Thanks for that CTH.

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, Alice and CTH, thank you so much for taking the time to relate, advise and encourage me to GAL. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.

This weekend went well, just really busy and tiring for me. I took DD to Legoland on Sat from 10-2pm, then had a late lunch at the beach. She had a blast, even at the beach where I just wanted to take a nap if I could she was running around splashing in the waves and playing with the sand.

Today we went out with a meetup group so that was a first for me. We had a potluck picnic and DD had a good time pastel-painting and running around.

She was tough for me a few times this weekend where she wouldn't listen and when I raised my voice she'd start crying and then I'd feel horrible. She's also been acting scardy where she follows me around room to room. Even right now she wanted me to sleep next to her and when I told her I will later after I do a few things she started crying again...sigh.

On the way back from the picnic today she out of the blue asked me 'Daddy I miss mommy, do you miss mommy?' - ugh...'yes sweetie I do and I know you do too but you'll see her tomorrow and even though mommy and daddy don't live in the same house we still love you just as much'. These are the times when I feel angry towards STBX...she's oblivious to what DD's going through.

Goodnight guys...gotta go give DD a few more hugs before she falls asleep.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, last time this happened I was a mess well beyond the 6mo mark. I was sure I'd die of a stroke. I used to wake up from sleep with my heart racing and feeling choked up like I couldn't breathe. I'd cry into the pillows for what felt like hours.

This time, I feel the pain of what it could've been and all the things I did to fix our issues single handidly, of all the things I would've done without question if she'd just asked and then the pain starts turning into anger. What could this M/R have possibly meant to her to just pick up and leave? what kind of a person does this especially after what we've already been through? what kind of person repeats that the best memories she has are from the vacations we took together yet decides to discount all the good memories and only remember the bad ones. what kind of person sees DD's pain and says to themselves she's fine? only a selfish, self-centered and a shallow person. Someone who feels the need to jump from one R to another every few years to feel that initial spark. I've started to realize that's what she is and as much as I still love the person I thought she was the reality is I was idealizing her and that person didn't really exist. Even if she comes back she's capable of doing this again and without notice. It's really sad and heart breaking but it's the truth.

I'd love for her to somehow prove me wrong so I could have my family back but that's probably nothing more than wishful thinking.

[Gardener]

This time, I feel the pain of what it could've been and all the things I did to fix our issues single handidly, of all the things I would've done without question if she'd just asked and then the pain starts turning into anger. What could this M/R have possibly meant to her to just pick up and leave? what kind of a person does this especially after what we've already been through? what kind of person repeats that the best memories she has are from the vacations we took together yet decides to discount all the good memories and only remember the bad ones.

Ah, truth. Clarity. Anger. Have just recently arrived there, myself, finally.

[alice444]

This time, I feel the pain of what it could've been and all the things I did to fix our issues single handidly, of all the things I would've done without question if she'd just asked and then the pain starts turning into anger. What could this M/R have possibly meant to her to just pick up and leave? what kind of a person does this especially after what we've already been through? what kind of person repeats that the best memories she has are from the vacations we took together yet decides to discount all the good memories and only remember the bad ones. what kind of person sees DD's pain and says to themselves she's fine? only a selfish, self-centered and a shallow person. Someone who feels the need to jump from one R to another every few years to feel that initial spark. I've started to realize that's what she is and as much as I still love the person I thought she was the reality is I was idealizing her and that person didn't really exist. Even if she comes back she's capable of doing this again and without notice. It's really sad and heart breaking but it's the truth.

I'd love for her to somehow prove me wrong so I could have my family back but that's probably nothing more than wishful thinking.

Well, I like what I see here in your clarity around her and her behavior. I think you're right, to an extent. Continue to do this kind of thinking if it helps.

Good for you for going to the meetup thing!!!! Did you meet anyone you might want to see again sometime?

R- I don't mean to sound harsh, and you know I care about you, but I'm seeing you continue to kind of wallow in the "what ifs" and "if only I had" while simultaneously saying that D is inevitable and you need to move on. These 2 aren't going to be compatible for very long- it's hard to pursue both paths- and if you are literally going the D route, I also think you need to be a little more distant from these thoughts in order to clarify what you want in terms of financial/custody/other details in that. I think the not letting go thoughts might possibly get in the way of you advocating for what's best for you and D here. I still hear you basing actions off of her and her thoughts and feelings, rather than deciding what you want and going after it, letting your behavior and words follow that decision and clarity. Several people here (me included ;-) have given you some great suggestions for GAL and how to stop focusing on W. I know you're a bit stuck and I definitely am sympathetic, but it's hard watching you be stuck! Meanwhile, W is GAL and you are left ruminating. I know it's hard and I know you're shy, but you must get some things in your life that make you happy and help you lessen the focus on her and what "could have been".

If it is meant to be, it will be a little ways off in the future and the best thing you can do to prepare for that possibility is to work on yourself and your own happiness right now- nothing else will bring you closer back to her in the long-run, while also being good for you. I know you're not too into this, but an IC might help you sort through these feelings and move forward. With or without that, we'd like to hear what other plans (besides the meetup- again, good for you for going!, and do they have any other activities coming up?) you have for yourself, to make you happy. Baby steps.

This doesn't mean not to feel the feelings and *defintely* post about them here, but it would be good if you also posted and considered some proactive stuff you're doing for you. We'd all love to see that- we all care about you and want you to take care of yourself.

((((R)))))

[flowmom]

GOOD JOB on going to the meetup HotRomeo!

And I agree with Alice's excellent post to you. If you feel you just can't stop "wallowing", you need to look at the role that depression is playing in this. We're not criticizing or judging you, just giving you feedback on what we're seeing and trying to point you towards a tunnel that might have cheese in it.

[whatisis]

SR, I can't fathom my wife's reasoning either. I was a good husband, trying to be a better one. I made changes, she wasn't interested. Why, I dunno.
This is all pretty fresh to you and you'll have all sorts of feelings which jump all over the map. My advice is to feel them, respect them and let them go. Feelings will always come and go, they don't have to control us. If you are "wallowing" that's no good, if you're processing and it's helping than that's OK. Only you will know which is which. Be good to yourself, you've been through a terrible time.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Good for you for going to the meetup thing!!!! Did you meet anyone you might want to see again sometime?

Are you asking if I saw any hot chicks?! lol well no...but they were a nice bunch. One lady played with DD for a long time, she's one of the organizers.

R- I don't mean to sound harsh, and you know I care about you, but I'm seeing you continue to kind of wallow in the "what ifs" and "if only I had" while simultaneously saying that D is inevitable and you need to move on. These 2 aren't going to be compatible for very long- it's hard to pursue both paths

Don't worry about sounding harsh I know you care about me and I realize it's hard for you guys to hear my same ole sad tune everytime and it's not very attractive either. I just happen to speak what I feel and this is how I feel these days.

I say the D is inevitable because I can't change her course of action and I don't have much of a choice. Even if I did have a choice there are financial reasons why it also makes sense to go through with the D right now rather than waiting because she's proven to be unpredictable and I can't say with any level of certainity that she won't up and leave again for x no of years.

and if you are literally going the D route, I also think you need to be a little more distant from these thoughts in order to clarify what you want in terms of financial/custody/other details in that. I think the not letting go thoughts might possibly get in the way of you advocating for what's best for you and D here. I still hear you basing actions off of her and her thoughts and feelings, rather than deciding what you want and going after it, letting your behavior and words follow that decision and clarity.

I know I need to be distant from these thoughts but maybe it's my personality that I can't let go of them completely. However, I'm not miserable. I carry on with my day, take things as they come and sure I have my down moments but mostly I'm up and about doing stuff.

I have to base some actions off of her, she's never going to be completely out of my life because of DD. So I can't tell her to get lost, pick up and move to Tibet and become a monk

In other words, what I want is not going to work. Like custody wise if I wanted full custody that's not fair to DD or her. So it's not really just about me. Maybe I'm missing something though. I also don't want to jeaprodize future dealings with her if I try to get my way now.

Several people here (me included ;-) have given you some great suggestions for GAL and how to stop focusing on W. I know you're a bit stuck and I definitely am sympathetic, but it's hard watching you be stuck! Meanwhile, W is GAL and you are left ruminating. I know it's hard and I know you're shy, but you must get some things in your life that make you happy and help you lessen the focus on her and what "could have been".

I know, those are great suggestions and you guys will think I'm making excuses but as tempting as they are they just won't work for now. I know you said to make arrangements to make them work so I'll have to work on that. Just to clarify when I say I can't do something, it's usually my way of saying I need help with it and not that I don't want to do it.

Sorry if I come across as really stuck but I'm doing OK. The main thing I miss is the emotional connection with someone and regardless of what I do (playing soccer, golf, taking a class) that'll always be there until I find it with someone else again. I also have so much to do during the week that my days and nights are usually a blur. I have things pending that I can't find the time to take care of such as shopping for a new home owner's insurance etc.

The IC is another suggestion that I've been meaning to act upon. As for listing things that make me happy. I think in general I'm fine, even if I did things that I was passionate about before they all feel meaningless and fake. Like I worked on the car fixing the waterpump, I tuned the bike, I did some mountain biking, I went to to see the Grand Prix etc but none of those really fill the need (the emotional connection). I feel like I'm aimlessly doing activities and not getting any deeper sense of satisfaction. Maybe I'm a different breed than most...

I'll try to list some proactive stuff but I'm not wallowing...well I do once in a while but I don't think I can truly feel happy at this point in the journey. I'm sure it'll come later.

[whatisis]

Don't be happy! There's no law that says everyone has to be happy all the time. But keep doing things like you are doing, that's key to getting to happy when you want to get there. Staying active and doing things you enjoy will eventually help get you where you want to go. Being stuck is a part of getting your heart ripped out. Why should you be jumping for joy, looking for babes etc it's only been maybe two months! My best friends wife left him about eight months ago and I used to phone him every night (because he asked me to) and listen to him cry month after month, and I'm talkin' months here, not weeks (damn, I'm a good friend! ). Today, he's doing great. He felt his pain, expressed it and can now move on and enjoy life again. He also stuck to doing activities and just like you felt nothing for a while. Take your time, you're not in the Grand Prix of heart healing!