Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

Good for you for going to the meetup thing!!!! Did you meet anyone you might want to see again sometime?

Are you asking if I saw any hot chicks?! lol well no...but they were a nice bunch. One lady played with DD for a long time, she's one of the organizers.

R- I don't mean to sound harsh, and you know I care about you, but I'm seeing you continue to kind of wallow in the "what ifs" and "if only I had" while simultaneously saying that D is inevitable and you need to move on. These 2 aren't going to be compatible for very long- it's hard to pursue both paths

Don't worry about sounding harsh I know you care about me and I realize it's hard for you guys to hear my same ole sad tune everytime and it's not very attractive either. I just happen to speak what I feel and this is how I feel these days.

I say the D is inevitable because I can't change her course of action and I don't have much of a choice. Even if I did have a choice there are financial reasons why it also makes sense to go through with the D right now rather than waiting because she's proven to be unpredictable and I can't say with any level of certainity that she won't up and leave again for x no of years.

and if you are literally going the D route, I also think you need to be a little more distant from these thoughts in order to clarify what you want in terms of financial/custody/other details in that. I think the not letting go thoughts might possibly get in the way of you advocating for what's best for you and D here. I still hear you basing actions off of her and her thoughts and feelings, rather than deciding what you want and going after it, letting your behavior and words follow that decision and clarity.

I know I need to be distant from these thoughts but maybe it's my personality that I can't let go of them completely. However, I'm not miserable. I carry on with my day, take things as they come and sure I have my down moments but mostly I'm up and about doing stuff.

I have to base some actions off of her, she's never going to be completely out of my life because of DD. So I can't tell her to get lost, pick up and move to Tibet and become a monk

In other words, what I want is not going to work. Like custody wise if I wanted full custody that's not fair to DD or her. So it's not really just about me. Maybe I'm missing something though. I also don't want to jeaprodize future dealings with her if I try to get my way now.

Several people here (me included ;-) have given you some great suggestions for GAL and how to stop focusing on W. I know you're a bit stuck and I definitely am sympathetic, but it's hard watching you be stuck! Meanwhile, W is GAL and you are left ruminating. I know it's hard and I know you're shy, but you must get some things in your life that make you happy and help you lessen the focus on her and what "could have been".

I know, those are great suggestions and you guys will think I'm making excuses but as tempting as they are they just won't work for now. I know you said to make arrangements to make them work so I'll have to work on that. Just to clarify when I say I can't do something, it's usually my way of saying I need help with it and not that I don't want to do it.

Sorry if I come across as really stuck but I'm doing OK. The main thing I miss is the emotional connection with someone and regardless of what I do (playing soccer, golf, taking a class) that'll always be there until I find it with someone else again. I also have so much to do during the week that my days and nights are usually a blur. I have things pending that I can't find the time to take care of such as shopping for a new home owner's insurance etc.

The IC is another suggestion that I've been meaning to act upon. As for listing things that make me happy. I think in general I'm fine, even if I did things that I was passionate about before they all feel meaningless and fake. Like I worked on the car fixing the waterpump, I tuned the bike, I did some mountain biking, I went to to see the Grand Prix etc but none of those really fill the need (the emotional connection). I feel like I'm aimlessly doing activities and not getting any deeper sense of satisfaction. Maybe I'm a different breed than most...

I'll try to list some proactive stuff but I'm not wallowing...well I do once in a while but I don't think I can truly feel happy at this point in the journey. I'm sure it'll come later.