Kalni, If you have been reading along with Rocked thread- she suddenly spiraled downward and her IC explained it as due to the fact that now she feels "safe" in the relationship (an affair is no longer a threat) and is now feeling the feelings that she had to suppress for so long just to get through everything.
Do you think this is what is happening to you?
See, I think differently then most people- I think periods of despair and depression are not only appropriate but the norm. I mean to deny your true feelings and force a PMA isn't living through the feelings or processing them. The only problem is when people get stuck in the bad depressive spot. Then I think it is a problem. So -go ahead and feel the way you do. It will be cleansing after a bit, KWIM. I mean you wouldn't tell a person who's family member just died to get get along with it, right? You would find it normal to see them sad and depressed. To me, seeing you sad and depressed seems normal to me. As long as you can eventually move to a healthier mind frame. There is some famous psychologist, name excapes me, that believes that negative feelings are normal and should be embraced.
So your mind keeps cycling back to her. Seems normal to me. In nursing you always learn to embace the worst case scenerio and be ready and prepared for it. So- worst case scenerio- they were madly in love. Or you were plan B. Can you handle this, moving forward? If you can look at worst case scernios or thoughts and face and embrace them- maybe you can then move forward. Make sense?
Everyone is right, this is pretty much about you and what you can handle and process. Of course actions or inactions by your hubby will help or hinder the process.
Honestly, I think seeing her clothing and having them thrown away was a HUGE trigger for you. I think it really reopened a slowly healing wound. It was supposed to make you feel better but had the opposite affect, IMO. I can totally understand how that would happen.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Oh Saffie is so right. If not her than someone else. Something in your hubby was broke.
Can you share these feelings with him? That you are suffering and sad?
If he can be emotionally supportive (with a hug or kind words) I think it would help greatly.
I also am thinking of the love bank scenerios that Hartley talks about. I think your bank is still depleted and needs filling from your hubby, IMO.
I really, really, really think you will perk up. My gut is telling me you are just having a bad stretch. Hope so....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't have any words of guidance since I never made it as far as you have.
I just know how much it hurts when my kids are gone for 4 days at time. And then they call me and ask when it can be a 'mommy day' again...
Last night my Sydney (4 now!) prayed that we would all live together again. This after we told them we are now D'd and it wasn't going to happen.
So I guess this is my way of saying, feel those feelings you have, do not stifle them, it will not help you. But also, I do hope you do not give up, I see so many steps that are NOT baby steps to me! Going with you and throwing out her things...that shows some opening up on his side. Taking a trip together, sleeping together (not just sex but actually sleeping next to each other), so many things are different for the two of you now compared to where things have been while you were apart. I think if you just went back to second honeymoon phase and acted like nothing ever happened, it would be weirder...
I know it is easier said than done but she already interfered in your marriage. Don't let her continue to do so even when her presence is no longer there. Deal with the issues in the here and now.
Of course this is said without experience... I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Be patient with yourself. You have worked very hard, fought very hard, suppressed a lot of your reactions in order to make progress. Now you are safe enough for all these feelings and thoughts to come out. 3 years worth.
It's not easy.
I am not even with my XH and I mention of anyone with OW's name (or XH's for that matter) still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
You are not a robot.
You will not miraculously be over it at the drop of a hat. It's a process and it takes time sweetie.
(((Maria)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yes, I think it's more difficult when your H isn't a womanizer. It frames their R in your mind to be a bigger love story...special. That where the "we're soul mates" is professed in a new affair, when in fact, the OP is frequently introduced into your marriage as a way of stabilizing the status quo. It's that add a 3rd leg, so they don't have to deal w/the problems directly, or end the marriage completely. Thought of in this way, the OW is actually being used to keep your connection alive.
She probably is many things you're not. He choose you. It's typical to choose an A partner who's pretty much opposite.
So, she served her purpose & is not needed now. That is why so many A's do not lead to marriage.
You think it's painful to picture them together, knowing they spent time together, choosing to be with her instead of you? Sure it is! The reality though, as BBJ says, is that deciding you can't/don't want to deal with it & ending your M, brings with it plenty of long term pain such as being without your children & missing time with them.
That's the premise of MWD's Divorce Busting, that most problems are solvable. That most people don't anticipate the by-products of D, especially w/children.
It is natural to feel pessimistic in your circumstance. They are your feelings. However, feelings can & do change. That's what got WAS to be WAS most of the time, making decisions based on your feelings at the time.
I totally support you & don't mean take anything away from what you're going thru. Just wanting you to not loose sight of the opportunity you're presented with.
Ohh thanks girls... You know how ants come together when one finds something heavy, to help and lift the weight, to carry it home? That's how it feels. You come and help me carry this, you all take some of the weight off my shoulders and make it lighter, you make it bearable? (sp?). Sometimes, it takes a few words to help me catch my breath. From people that get me.
I think I am at the edge of allowing this to permanently become an obsession. In some ways it feels like the bomb era. TOO much pain. The difference is, I do have a choice how to handle it.
I called him a few times to talk to him. He sounded too busy I couldnt get myself to do it. So I sent him an email explaining where I am at. He replied immediately. Saying he udnerstands the thoughts I am having as normal but that doesnt mean they are also true. He said he loves me and not only he knows what we are up against but he also WANTS to deal with it for good. He doenst want to run or "shut me up". He said he wonders if talking about it creates deeper wounds than healing, brings hartred and resentment but that he will keep doing what I tell him I want. He said he loves me and wants us to live happy together with no triggers, bitterness and hard feelings.
I replied telling him that I dont know anymore what would help and I am open to his suggestions. That I am jealous and being jealous is a fairly new feeling for me and dont know how to handle it. That knowing all the things I knew from the emails, was the worst because I realised the lies and deceit and throwing away her gifts, made me upset but not more than I am already every time I think of something. That I feel no hartred for him, bitterness yes, but no hate. I am saving up all my hate for the woman that tried all she could to break up my family and didnt give up till the end.
We talked more till I started crying so hard asking me how can he undo the fact that he chose her over me again and again. That she was so important to him that he traded us for her... At that point he couldnt udnerstand a word I was saying and we stopped the call.
Bitchy funny moment: My H is not comfortable with any kind of animals, his parents taught him they are dirty. But he loves them, We took the dog for a walk on the beach on Sat and he told me "if he pees in the car, I letting you walk him back". My reply - In English so that the kids wouldnt get it "This dog is much cleaner than the bitch you had in this car"... with a smile. He smiled and then...bursted into a laugh...
I think it is good that you have the disgust and hatred for the husband stealing bitch. And I would bet good money that she would not blink an eyelash at trying to lure another married man away from his family. Eventually, you will get to a point where you realize that any thoughts about her is just wasted thoughts.
Your M is improving greatly, although, you may be failing at seeing the big picture now. Patience and baby steps...
