Ohh thanks girls... You know how ants come together when one finds something heavy, to help and lift the weight, to carry it home? That's how it feels. You come and help me carry this, you all take some of the weight off my shoulders and make it lighter, you make it bearable? (sp?). Sometimes, it takes a few words to help me catch my breath. From people that get me.
I think I am at the edge of allowing this to permanently become an obsession. In some ways it feels like the bomb era. TOO much pain. The difference is, I do have a choice how to handle it.
I called him a few times to talk to him. He sounded too busy I couldnt get myself to do it. So I sent him an email explaining where I am at. He replied immediately. Saying he udnerstands the thoughts I am having as normal but that doesnt mean they are also true. He said he loves me and not only he knows what we are up against but he also WANTS to deal with it for good. He doenst want to run or "shut me up". He said he wonders if talking about it creates deeper wounds than healing, brings hartred and resentment but that he will keep doing what I tell him I want. He said he loves me and wants us to live happy together with no triggers, bitterness and hard feelings.
I replied telling him that I dont know anymore what would help and I am open to his suggestions. That I am jealous and being jealous is a fairly new feeling for me and dont know how to handle it. That knowing all the things I knew from the emails, was the worst because I realised the lies and deceit and throwing away her gifts, made me upset but not more than I am already every time I think of something. That I feel no hartred for him, bitterness yes, but no hate. I am saving up all my hate for the woman that tried all she could to break up my family and didnt give up till the end.
We talked more till I started crying so hard asking me how can he undo the fact that he chose her over me again and again. That she was so important to him that he traded us for her... At that point he couldnt udnerstand a word I was saying and we stopped the call.
