This time, I feel the pain of what it could've been and all the things I did to fix our issues single handidly, of all the things I would've done without question if she'd just asked and then the pain starts turning into anger. What could this M/R have possibly meant to her to just pick up and leave? what kind of a person does this especially after what we've already been through? what kind of person repeats that the best memories she has are from the vacations we took together yet decides to discount all the good memories and only remember the bad ones. what kind of person sees DD's pain and says to themselves she's fine? only a selfish, self-centered and a shallow person. Someone who feels the need to jump from one R to another every few years to feel that initial spark. I've started to realize that's what she is and as much as I still love the person I thought she was the reality is I was idealizing her and that person didn't really exist. Even if she comes back she's capable of doing this again and without notice. It's really sad and heart breaking but it's the truth.
I'd love for her to somehow prove me wrong so I could have my family back but that's probably nothing more than wishful thinking.
Well, I like what I see here in your clarity around her and her behavior. I think you're right, to an extent. Continue to do this kind of thinking if it helps.
Good for you for going to the meetup thing!!!! Did you meet anyone you might want to see again sometime?
R- I don't mean to sound harsh, and you know I care about you, but I'm seeing you continue to kind of wallow in the "what ifs" and "if only I had" while simultaneously saying that D is inevitable and you need to move on. These 2 aren't going to be compatible for very long- it's hard to pursue both paths- and if you are literally going the D route, I also think you need to be a little more distant from these thoughts in order to clarify what you want in terms of financial/custody/other details in that. I think the not letting go thoughts might possibly get in the way of you advocating for what's best for you and D here. I still hear you basing actions off of her and her thoughts and feelings, rather than deciding what you want and going after it, letting your behavior and words follow that decision and clarity. Several people here (me included ;-) have given you some great suggestions for GAL and how to stop focusing on W. I know you're a bit stuck and I definitely am sympathetic, but it's hard watching you be stuck! Meanwhile, W is GAL and you are left ruminating. I know it's hard and I know you're shy, but you must get some things in your life that make you happy and help you lessen the focus on her and what "could have been".
If it is meant to be, it will be a little ways off in the future and the best thing you can do to prepare for that possibility is to work on yourself and your own happiness right now- nothing else will bring you closer back to her in the long-run, while also being good for you. I know you're not too into this, but an IC might help you sort through these feelings and move forward. With or without that, we'd like to hear what other plans (besides the meetup- again, good for you for going!, and do they have any other activities coming up?) you have for yourself, to make you happy. Baby steps.
This doesn't mean not to feel the feelings and *defintely* post about them here, but it would be good if you also posted and considered some proactive stuff you're doing for you. We'd all love to see that- we all care about you and want you to take care of yourself.
((((R)))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
