Hey guys - Yeah I returned back to the full doses. Still didn't sleep well last night - same symptoms as before, woke at 3:00 and didn't really get back to sleep again. I can't tolerate that.
Yeah, I've tried Yoga but can only go every other weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to afford the classes going forward.
I don't know what I was thinking; I bought a replacement TV last month to replace the one XW took; I bought plane tickets to see my family next month, because that IS important, and the boys need to know their family, and I haven't seem them for about a year and a half. But that was a lot of money too.
Cancelled the phone line today. I've got a cell. Going to cancel the Dish. Cutting where I can.
Getting a 2nd job is difficult - my current job is pretty consuming. Generally nights and weekends. I've got to find a way to make this work.
Anyway, talked to XW. Talked to her yesterday and told her my worries; also told her about this incident where I did damage to my car, as I put an old battery in the back to return, and it leaked acid. The 3rd row flip-up seats are ruined. I cleaned it up with bakind soda and lots of water, but that was extremenly frustrating. Most of the time they're flipped down for the cargo area. And yes, I realize that was extremely stupid. So I called XW and talked to her. This morning she told me she was legitmately grieving the relationship, whereas she thinks that I'm fine until I "need" her, confirming her beliefs about the R.
I know. That wasn't a good idea. I'm really missing that partner, the feeling that you're not alone when things go bad. She's not that person anymore and I'm still adjusting.
THere are so many dimensions to this process, and it seems that she points to the things that confirm her perceptions. Of course I've grieved the R. Last week I felt a sense of relief that the papers were signed, and I WAS happy. SHe took that personally.
I really have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter. I am in this alone. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just that I've got to figure this out on my own.
Anyway, cutting expenses. Got out of the grocery store for less that $40 yesterday. Boys are going to have to eat PB&J for lunch going forward. Turned the water heater down, and set the AC for 82 degrees. I don't have real debt yet, but the reserves are dwindling. It will not be long before I'm living paycheck to paycheck and accumulating debt. So I guess the plan would be to let it build until I can accumulate some stock or get a bonus next Feb.
