Reading this makes me cry. We've been married for 15+ years with a daughter, age 7. I feel extremely committed but I'll be in your husband's state in weeks. I'm so sick of being rejected and not feeling wanted at all. I've said as much explicitly for a couple of years. I don't know how to get through. Understanding your situation more I thought might help in my case, but I can't follow the link you set up to "My Story" - it results in access denied.
That is because I had it pulled when H found and read the entire thread. So, I don't post here for myself anymore, but follow friends along. I am so sorry for your situation.
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She honestly seems to be into making things work (showing love), however, this means she does what she thinks I need, not what I think I need. On the other hand she absolutely refuses to tell me or give me hints as to what helps her feel loved. As a result, I do everything I can think of, yet I'm sure I'm not doing the *right* things. She hates to talk about our relationship, so we don't. We've seen a marriage counselor for a year, but it doesn't seem to help. She's agreed to try a new one, but won't follow up and seemingly has no desire to work on our marriage through any research/activity at all.
Ok, well this stands out like a beacon to me- why wouldn't she tell you what she needs? That is mind boggling. And you're in the same sitch as my H: doing everything you can think of, but (possibly) all the wrong things. If she hates to discuss R, what the heck are you doing in MC- discussing the weather?? If it "isn't helping", you either have the wrong MC and/or you and she aren't doing the work it takes there and outside to make progress. My H thought you "just go" and the MC does it all for you- wrong. YOU do it all for you with them as a guide. It's sad you've committed all this time to it and feel like there's nothing to show for it. If she won't follow up, then you do it- by telling MC there's been no progress and/or finding a new MC. Take charge here- your future is at stake.
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I've read through Love Languages so I get the idea we show and need in different ways. Her languages seem to be affirmation and acts of service. Mine are physical and quality time. I can tell her efforts towards me are focused on cooking more often (acts of service), and sitting on the other side of our sectional couch to be near me at night (quality time). The cooking is great, I love it and I've always been very thankful for it. However the quality time is different, she doesn't hesitate to remind me she's only near me cause I want her to be. She'd rather be reading her New Yorker... why she can't do both makes no sense to me.
Wow. I would feel rejected too, if someone reminded me of this. It must feel like you're a chore to her, one she does reluctantly. It seems obvious to me that you guys HAVE to start communicating somehow. You need to make it clear to her how much is at stake, if you haven't already. She can't just avoid all R talks forever when you're miserable. And if you let her off the hook here, you're participating in the downfall of the M. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but be a wakeup call. I wish I'd had one sooner and had more time to fix things. Maybe you still do! But you HAVE to face this head on. And ask yourself: do I want someone who won't even discuss our R and only reluctantly pays me the attention I need? Have you read SSM? If not, do it- you will understand more about her if you do. And you will get that, although you think you've been very clear with her about your needs, she still may not have heard you clearly. After you read it, if you can get her to read the part about the HD spouse, it could be eye-opening- if she's willing to see it- for her.
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She will not initiate sex at all, and it's been this way for years. At least she used to tell me to meet her upstairs, but that's the furthest extent of it, and even that hasn't happened in the last three years. Kissing/making out is non-existent over that time. We haven't kissed for more than three seconds and it pretty much feels like she's trying to get away.
Ugh, you're describing me to an extent and it must feel awful from the other end. For me, I had anger and resentment built up so much that I couldn't be close to him that way, it all got in my way. It's a catch-22 expecting the LD person to initiate, but understandable that the HD one no longer will initiate b/c of feeling rejected... Do you have an IC? It might help you to talk to someone alone. You must have a lot of rejection feelings that you want to try to work through and realize that it's not you who's unlovable. It's her inability to show you in a way you can see it that she loves you.
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I appreciate the actions you mention: hugging, kissing, touching an arm. I'd perceive any of that as a positive response. It would mean the world to me. The complete lack of pursuit is killing me emotionally, the effect is I want to reject her entirely. I just can't continue this way.
In the end I *think* I just want to feel wanted. Maybe it's just me. I worry some that I've been a doormat, but I don't think she perceives things that way.
My H could've written that above. You must act now. Through the ways I mentioned above. You must let her know how dire this is for you- if she won't listen verbally, write her a letter. Others may disagree with me, but you're about to be a WAS, and the non-pursuit is really aimed at the LBS. I believe if you're at risk to be WAS, you owe it to her and to you to communicate what you need and where your "bottom line" is- before you walk away. That's not pursuing, that's trying to save your marriage. Now, if she were trying to leave YOU, that's when you would not want to pursue...
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
