Question

[awest1217]

Lucky - Thanks!

I feel right now that no one is really rooting for me to save my marriage. I feel like everyone around me (family and all) is just ready for me to D him and move on. I really feel that way most days, but in all reality if I am truly honest with myself, I don't want a D. I don't want to have a 2nd marriage with my S, probably his kids, and hopefully our kids. I don't want that life for myself. I don't want that life for S. I know how it felt to have a step-family and I don't want that for S. Honestly, I don't want to date again. I never liked to date when I was younger. I was a flirt, but I didn't like to date.

I also understand that right now he is cake-eating, but I don't know that for sure. I have no idea what he does. I don't know how much he talks to OW. I am sure it is a ton more than me, but I really don't know. Maybe he texts tons of people now? I don't know how often they hang out. Everything is speculation because I really have no idea. I don't know how he feels. Even when i vented how upset I was this weekend. He said he was sorry, but I got no reassurance that he wants to be with me. He lately always says i love you, and I got nothing when I specifically asked for something. He says he has something for me for mother's day, but he is still working on it (he draws) so I don't know what that is.

Also on top of everything the 28th is the anniversary of H moving his stuff out. He really had already been gone almost 2 months before he moved out with his stuff into his own place so that is bothering me a little I think, and memorial day is the one holiday that we started our own tradition. Nothing big, but it is ours. Plus everyone is asking me what I am going to do and honestly...I DON'T KNOW. I want to stay in this place, but H is making some small steps so I don't want to rush into a D if there is a chance, but I don't know if there is a chance because I have no idea what he wants.

I want a healthy relationship, but could mine get there? Possibly if he wants to change at some point. I have no one I can talk to about this stuff because I think everyone is sick of it and just think he has done me wrong so I need to just dump him. I agree and understand that sentiment, but I will never get to have a life without him, ever. I could totally see him being the type to sabotage my future relationships. I just don't know. Small baby steps, but what do they really mean? And there is some I didn't write that to me was me showing him some huge steps that I had grown and changed a little, but now I just feel let down.

I think this is all my hormones again so not going to do anything about it. Next week i am going to send H and e-mail because I want him to know how I feel about the anniversary, plus last year right after he moved he said "I didn't want to move and was looking for you to try to stop me, but since you were so helpful I moved". I know that is a line, and I don't feel responsible, but what if he was looking for me to try?

Lastly, his parents and he are not getting along at all. His dad started to pull out "you live under my roof, live by my rules" stuff so H is really frustrated. He is going to want to get out of there ASAP. I just wonder...will he ever choose to come home over complaining about where he is at?