Question

[awest1217]

Thanks! I am actually feeling really good. I knew a down time was coming, but it only lasted less than 24 hours and I am right back up so that is good. I think it is just so hard for me when new things go wrong with the house to just take care of it by myself. The things that have gone wrong in the past, I am pretty good at fixing, but the oven is a new thing and worrying about having to buy a whole new one at around $400, just a lot to think about (although I am really doing well now about saving and compared to last year at this time my bank account is up 10x). I also have never called a repair man because I have so many people in my life who know how to fix pretty much everything that I have never needed to worry about it. Now I have completely this hurdle and won't feel as bad next time.

No word from H, but of course today and tomorrow are his "big" days at work. He has meetings to decide if he gets his way to work with the teacher he wants or if he is stuck. Plus he is planning for next year. I still don't get how he can plan for next year at work, but in his personal life can't plan a week in advance to do something with S and I or even to buy me or his mom a mother's day card and gift.

For me, it is another rainy day, and looks like one again tomorrow too. It is good because my grass is looking great, bad because S and I can't go outside to play. However I am taking some down time at work to look at ideas of flowers to plant around my yard so once the bushes are gone that I want out, I can start planting right away. Mostly I am going to get stuff from my parents so I can focus on buying more grass seed since I am redoing some things to get some more grass, but there will be a few flowers I need to buy and am looking forward to it.

This weekend...Chicago with a bunch of friends/family. This is the weekend of the birthday Cubs game. Not really looking forward to the game part since I can't stand baseball, but it will be fun to hang with everyone and have a day to myself. Also it looks like it will be a nice day.

[Lucky11too]

It sounds like you have a fun weekend coming up. Take the time to really enjoy yourself! You deserve it! =)

[ClingingToHope]

Have fun in Chicago. Great city. Lots to do. I have friends with memberships to Museum of Science and Industry and Shedd so that'll lesson my costs this summer.

The big thing is taking them up to the Sears Tower to walk on that glass deck.

[awest1217]

Been thinking lately about the D, and when it comes to S and even myself, we are used to the arrangement that is happening right now. We see H once every two weeks for between 2 and 4 hours and that is it. S never spends the night with H and he never asks to see S alone. It stinks for S because he deserves a father figure, but my brother has really been stepping in on that aspect. It is nice because S and my nephew are only 18 months apart so they play really well so when S is over with my brother and sister-in-law, it helps them because S and N play so they don't have to entertain N the whole time and can get work done.

I know that staying with H is not fair to me because I deserve to find someone else, but right now at least with the summer and warm weather, I am not really lonely because i have plenty to do, so I am not sure what I will do. I just would hate to jumble up S's schedule again and his life again when he is used to things this way, and really this is all he knows.

Other news, we are doing something with H tonight for dinner. Not sure what because the in-laws had something come up so no pizza. H asked if I had a preference, and I said I don't care what we do. I never got word back so I have no clue what will happen.

Also I am starting to really get worried about some health things. I have always been undiagnosed hypoglycemic. As long as I eat a proper diet, it usually is not a problem. I had some issues over last summer and fall, but that was because I wasn't eating properly and had lost about 15 pounds in one year. Not much, but since I don't have much to lose...it was a problem. Anyway, now I am probably back to normal weight wise, but the last week, I have been getting really dizzy. If I shake my head, I feel like I am going to fall over. There are a lot of times I just feel in a fog and I feel like I have a hard time focusing vision wise. It is all strange. Now with the weather change, I did have some cold issues at the beginning of the week, so it could be an inner ear infection, but this is happening more frequently and there are some other symptoms. Now I will say that I haven't been eating as much protein as I normally do so that can be a huge factor. I am going to try and get some nuts and hard boil some eggs to nibble on, but if that doesn't work soon...I don't want to have to deal with meds for this so please pray with me that it will go away once I try a few new things and put more protein back in my diet. It could all just be my body starting to get back to normal after a long year of craziness so I don't want to freak yet, but I also don't want to think it is nothing if it is.

[ClingingToHope]

I will pray for you Awest. Have an excellent weekend.

[Lucky11too]

Sorry Awest, didn't get a chance to get on the computer until now, but I will definitely be praying for you too. These health things are always scary. Hopefully it is nothing but a little diet issue, but just make sure to take good care of yourself and see a doctor if you're not feeling better.

I hear you about the D too. There really is no reason to rush into it. In some ways, it would be nice to just move on completely, but as you're saying, that would involve a great upheaval in S's life. I think about this a lot too...I want S all to myself and right now I have it that way, so at what point do you D then? I feel somewhat selffish wanting to D b/c I would be doing it to move on past H and sometime potentially meet someone new (things you can't do while still officially married), but I want what's best for S too. Ahhhh, the decisions. But still, like we're saying, no reason to rush into it. If things are working fine as they are now, go with it, and when things change, you can take that next step.

Hope the weekend went well for you! =)

[awest1217]

Well...the weekend good and bad

Friday - H came over and we went out to eat. He wanted me to decide where to go, but I really want him to learn to make decisions although I also think through his therapy he has been told to do more for me based on things he has said to me. I said one of two restaurants and then he decided from there. Both serve the same type of food so no problem. THen we went to Walmart because S wanted some matchbox cars. H bought them and gave him the change then asked me if that was ok. I said it is always ok for him to give stuff to S. He said he just didn't want me to feel like he was trying to win him over with things. Then I asked about ice cream. He didn't want any, but got me some. We really enjoyed our time together. Then after we get home, S wanted to play a game so H played with him and went home.

Later I get a text that FIL was throwing a fit because S called H's brother by my brother's name. H said he stood up for us and that he and his dad almost got into a physical altercation. H let me know that it was probably best if S and I didn't go over there sunday and that MIL only invited us because they feel they don't get enough time with S like he is some possession. H was really nice about the whole thing and I asked if we could still hang out and he said probably not because as always "he didn't feel good" We talked some more and I really felt close to him.

Saturday - I go to Chicago and was with all my married friends and my sister who now has a boyfriend...in other words the only one not a couple. I looked at the tall buildings and it reminded me of NYC slightly so I text H how I missed him and how I was reminded of NYC. H and I text a lot throughout the morning and the game. I had fun with my friends, but just felt out of place. Then after the game we were deciding where to eat dinner. Decided ESPN zone...and that is when I lost it. I remembered that in November H took OW to chicago and they went to ESPN zone. I ate, but not much...I told H we were there and he asked if it was nicer than the one we went to in NYC. I said it was and he should already know because he went there with OW. He then didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I felt bad for the snide remark, and apologized, but also let out a lot about my feelings that were bottled up for so long. Then the group walked around chicago and I took some pics of the couples together...more sadness...and the pics I took of the city at night were just like ones that H took when he went. I had to hold back tears the whole night and cried the whole time when I got alone.

Sunday - I didn't feel good. H also doesn't feel well. He finally text back that he was sorry for ruining my weekend and sorry for ignoring my texts about being upset. He said it hurt him what I said. We didn't talk much yesterday and I slept on and off the whole time once S and I got home. I also slept all night. On a good note, S's new bedding made it to my house and he slept in his own bed all night. I fell asleep right away and woke up exhausted.

Right now I feel miserable. I am tired and disoriented. I feel like the room is spinning all the time. I am figuring it is my hormones, but still not a good thing to have. I am taking Friday off this week because my brother is out of town and my sister-in-law works only two days a week and can't take off, but their babysitter can't watch my nephew so I am going to take off to watch him. It makes for a short week this week, but not doing well. Of course H is feeling horrible too so I know he won't help me, and he doesn't understand anyway. I just feel really bad. Plus the memories make me sad. I said something to H about their "romantic" weekend, but he said it wasn't romantic at all and was just one day that they went and came right back. I think I am making their EA bigger than it is, but he still won't come home and he still is choosing a relationship even just a friendship with her over a M with me. I am just really down, not feeling well, and down right blah...

[Lucky11too]

I think I am making their EA bigger than it is, but he still won't come home and he still is choosing a relationship even just a friendship with her over a M with me.

Don't beat yourself up about that. Big or small - an EA is NOT ok! We never really know the whole story and we can't try to make guesses, but anyway you look at it, their R is not appropriate. And you just said it, the fact that he won't chose your R over their "friendship", just proves that you're not overreacting.

I understand how certain things can really stir up memories. I was at Lowe's the other day, and almost broke into tears, as that place was like our 2nd home when we were fixing up our home before the split. It brings back the memories of our home and our dreams, but then reality of what is hits again. I know it's just part of human emotions, so we just have to take them in stride. Although it's tough, I think these interations you have with H give you both more of an insight into each other. You were able to have a great time together Friday night, dream of the memories of NYC together Sat morning, and then discuss the reality of OW and your feelings about it Sat night (thru your hurt of him taking her to Chicago). It sounds like he made some really small baby steps with therapy (ie - putting your desires 1st with picking the dinner place), so hopefully, he can start to show some other small baby steps.

So sorry to hear you're not feeling good. =( Just try to keep taking care of yourself the best you can around all your other responsibilities.

[awest1217]

Lucky - Thanks!

I feel right now that no one is really rooting for me to save my marriage. I feel like everyone around me (family and all) is just ready for me to D him and move on. I really feel that way most days, but in all reality if I am truly honest with myself, I don't want a D. I don't want to have a 2nd marriage with my S, probably his kids, and hopefully our kids. I don't want that life for myself. I don't want that life for S. I know how it felt to have a step-family and I don't want that for S. Honestly, I don't want to date again. I never liked to date when I was younger. I was a flirt, but I didn't like to date.

I also understand that right now he is cake-eating, but I don't know that for sure. I have no idea what he does. I don't know how much he talks to OW. I am sure it is a ton more than me, but I really don't know. Maybe he texts tons of people now? I don't know how often they hang out. Everything is speculation because I really have no idea. I don't know how he feels. Even when i vented how upset I was this weekend. He said he was sorry, but I got no reassurance that he wants to be with me. He lately always says i love you, and I got nothing when I specifically asked for something. He says he has something for me for mother's day, but he is still working on it (he draws) so I don't know what that is.

Also on top of everything the 28th is the anniversary of H moving his stuff out. He really had already been gone almost 2 months before he moved out with his stuff into his own place so that is bothering me a little I think, and memorial day is the one holiday that we started our own tradition. Nothing big, but it is ours. Plus everyone is asking me what I am going to do and honestly...I DON'T KNOW. I want to stay in this place, but H is making some small steps so I don't want to rush into a D if there is a chance, but I don't know if there is a chance because I have no idea what he wants.

I want a healthy relationship, but could mine get there? Possibly if he wants to change at some point. I have no one I can talk to about this stuff because I think everyone is sick of it and just think he has done me wrong so I need to just dump him. I agree and understand that sentiment, but I will never get to have a life without him, ever. I could totally see him being the type to sabotage my future relationships. I just don't know. Small baby steps, but what do they really mean? And there is some I didn't write that to me was me showing him some huge steps that I had grown and changed a little, but now I just feel let down.

I think this is all my hormones again so not going to do anything about it. Next week i am going to send H and e-mail because I want him to know how I feel about the anniversary, plus last year right after he moved he said "I didn't want to move and was looking for you to try to stop me, but since you were so helpful I moved". I know that is a line, and I don't feel responsible, but what if he was looking for me to try?

Lastly, his parents and he are not getting along at all. His dad started to pull out "you live under my roof, live by my rules" stuff so H is really frustrated. He is going to want to get out of there ASAP. I just wonder...will he ever choose to come home over complaining about where he is at?

[Lucky11too]

There are definitely those certain times of the month, when you know you just need to sit back and not act on your emotions - this is probably one of them. All your arguments are completely correct, but I think you're right in waiting until next week to write the email.

I don't think you should ever give up on your M no matter what anyone else says until YOU are ready to - it's still your life and your decisions, and you'll have to live with the reprocussions, not anyone else (except S). I think on this site, most of us give it our all until we get the results we want or until we just can't fight it anymore. And moving on doesn't mean we are a failure either - it just means that we fought the good fight for as long as we could emotionally and physically and the other person still refuses to work on the M. So going back, if you're seeing small signs of change and aren't ready to D, then don't! Ultimately you must decide for yourself what is best for you (and S) and your sitch.

On the other hand, don't be so hard on yourself. If H is looking for you to try, you have been trying for a very long time, so I don't know what else he expects. If you feel there has been a change in H where he needs you to try again now, then that would make sense. But just don't hold on too tightly to a comment he made last year, especially after you've spent this whole last year since then trying. Just a thought.

Your question about can your R ever be a healthy R. If both parties are willing to work on the R, then I don't see why not. I think this is just all really hard on you b/c he comes off as trying to be open about his feelings ("I love yous" etc) but really, he has bottled up his true emotions so that you don't truely know what he wants or what he is feeling. Very confusing! You're going to have to try to peel the onion (got to love Shrek! =P) and see what's inside. Maybe start your email today to get out your immediate emotions and over the next week, fine tune it, so it says exactly what you want it to. But like Kalni said before, do it for yourself (and hope that it can get thru to him), but don't expect him to take action b/c of it.

Well, I hope today is going better for you and that you are feeling better as well!