I take DS13 to FT b/c he was so angry and it was causing probs everywhere in his life. It is helping, just dealing w/ the anger.
DD16 is seeing a SW at school. She is depressed and tends to withdraw but doesn't want to see anyone else. DD18 should probably go but doesn't want to, thinks she is fine if "everyone would behave". I don't go very often anymore, since I am just treading water here.
With the kids, I am honest about what is going on with Dad. It is not about me or them or even OW. Dad has a type of mental illness like depression, he is going to IC, and trying straighten his head out. (They know how nutso his mother is, and feel bad he had such a crazy mother) Just as we did, the kids need to be reassured repeatedly that this situation is not about them. Dad's "mental illness" causes a selfishness so strong, he can't always see what they are needing. This has worked, for the most part, for us. I see all 3 of them doing much better.
I agree with taking in kids who are not showing any unusual problems. Then, you are making THEM the problem that needs fixing. Mommy love goes a long way towards creating reassurance and security.
Disclaimer: my kids are teenagers. Truthfulness, openness, honesty are important to their security and they can sniff out withholding a mile away!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
talking with SIL though, all I could think of is someday, when they are older and in a relationship, or when they are turning 30, 40, 50 or whatever, that their Dad, basically abandoning them for OW, would be the "childhood" trauma that causes MLC for THEM!!!
I remember having that SAME thought about son(23), when he was 15, and asking so many questions about his dad's MLC.
I believe by the time son reaches his mid 30's, this will be forgotten, and he will have to deal with a transition/MLC; and one of the issues may be what he observed his dad going through..nothing I can do about that except commit that to the hands of the Lord.
Although I learned so much through my husband's MLC, I STILL had to deal with my own transition...and believe or not, for some reason could NOT remember anything I'd been taught or had taught others EXCEPT the fastest way out was to FACE the issues that hit me in the face.
Even then, it took me 6 years, I apparently had a great deal more damage done during childhood than my husband did to process through.
The rest of it was faded, jaded, and literally gone for the time I stayed in the tunnel. I even had to re-process his MLC right along with everything else I had to face..go figure.
Yet, I came through just fine.
I think it all goes back to trusting the Lord for your children's well being during this time and for the rest of their natural lives, as NOBODY that I know of gets out of this growing process that comes for all adults.
Hey, I did some arguing about it, asked the Lord to remove the feelings I was having in the beginning of The Change, but didn't escape it, either.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not helping.
Have a good one. You're doing fine.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
When the bomb first dropped and H left it sent us all spinning. I found as I gained my footing the kids settled down too. That's when I realized how I coped with the sitch was so important. My kids (Ds) were looking to me for leadership.
As I found answers to why their dad was doing what he was doing I shared with them and answered their questions as best I could appropriate to age. We have processed this together.
D11 talked to the school psychologist a couple of times at my request just to 'take her temperature' and she reported back to me that D is strong and has a good grasp of the sitch.
I continue to monitor and would not hesitate to seek a counselor if a problem develops.
Thanks everyone for your replies! It sounds like the best thing is to just keep an eye on them and if I notice any changes in behaviour or otherwise, then I can look into counseling.
WN-hope your kids are doing better!
SA-you always sounds calm, cool and collected in all of your posts!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW I think your judgment on how to help/address the kids is amazing! Seriously- you explained your H in a way that made sense to them and caused them to recognize his selfishness doesn't reflect anything they did to make him not want to be with them. And yes, I also think that sometimes ICs can make things worse...and you have counseling in place for the kdis that seem to need it!
Well done- excellent mothering CW!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Oh...uh oh...I guess I misread, how akward! OK I DO THINK YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT MOM, CW!!! But I was reading how Whatnow is addressing her kids needs and her explanation and thought it was what you were saying! So the compliment for the explanation goes to Whatnow and the compliments on being excellent moms go to both of you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
We are all great mommies! Just wait til your DS says that for the first time!
Great moms ask other moms what they do and then make the choices that they believe are best for their own children. I do not think anyone wants to be told what to do, but it sure helps to read what others have done, and what worked and didn't work for them!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I think great moms also do their best to make sure they let their kids love their jerk dads, suppress talking negatively about the jerk dads in front of the kids, still spend time doing things with their kids and supporting them with their games, etc despite feeling depressed or angry, and just try to provide a comforting stable home for them.
CW and you definitely do that- I am hoping to follow your examples!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
lol NM- I was reading your first post and knew it had to be about someone else!
I do like what WN said to her kids and also how SA has been handling things!
When H first left, I sat the kids down and said that their Dad was going through something and had to work on it and think about things...now that he has filed and they know about OW...it has been a little tougher.
D11, out of the blue said something about how short OW is...I am only 5'2" and "she is shorter than you Mom!" I could feel my insides bristling...hard to hear about her from my kids mouths!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
