We all go through these feelings. And you really are at the right point in your time line to be having them. As well as the anger that this is still going on…
Who knew this would go on this long?
I mean, we come here, others further down the road, they warn us, they tell us to work on ourselves, to take the focus off of them, that this is a long hard road…
And we all, all of us, start out believing that we are going to be the exception to the rule…
We go on with some of our day to day stuff as best we can, waiting, hoping, analyzing every little thing that happens, looking for SOME sign that things are changing because we can’t believe this has happened, and we ARE going to be the exception, there is no way that this can really take so long. Our spouse is going to be the one that wakes up quickly.
It is a normal part of the process. When we start seeing them NOT really waking up, when we realize that the little positives that we have seen, are just really fleeting moments, that they are back in the tunnel and they are not moving forward, we get scared and sad and angry. THAT is where I see you right now.
It is a normal part of this. Just like not wanting to progress forward is normal…
But SC, it is necessary…
For you, for your wellbeing, for your future and for your kids…
Please don’t mistake my saying “move forward” as “move on”…
They are very different things. Moving forward means living, true to yourself, standing for your M if that is what you feel is right for you…
Moving on…that is dating…getting D…
In moving forward, you better understand the dynamics of what your H is going through, which allows him the space and freedom that he needs for him to hopefully move forward…
It is letting go of the anger, finding forgivness, accepting that while this might not be what you want, it is what is happening…
That there is no magic pill or quick fix…
So what do you do in the meantime, while you have chosen to stand, to give him the space and time that HE needs, without making yourself crazy…
You learn what MLC is, you learn to really recognize the crazy behavior for what it is. You take the things he has said to you, the blaming things, and you weigh them out, see what has merit, and what doesn’t. Then you see what, if anything, you want to change about yourself…
You learn who YOU are, which is exactly what he is trying to do for himself, even if he doesn’t know it right now…
You learn what YOU like, what YOU want, what YOU need, and what makes YOU happy…
Regardless of your H. Who were YOU before you met him? What did you like? What were YOUR hobbies, that maybe you let go by the way side for the M?
SC, it is mirror work. It is hard. Self reflection, is never easy. IF you choose to do the work, you will find yourself much happier, much less dependent on what he wants to do, because you will learn that no matter what, you are ok. Then you may reevaluate your situation, and what you want may or may not change, but you will be making a choice based on YOU, not him, his actions or words.
My friend Brooklyn says, the only way to do it is through it…
SC, you can do this… you may not want to, but I promise you, you will not be sorry…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
