Questions.. control a conversation. They can direct it.. they can mold it. It becomes important to understand that when you are in a situation like this. Even if the question is not answered.. it still controls. When someone "ignores" the question.. it allows you a chance to make a decision to re-ask it.. or "enforce" the question.
Like if you run into H... You smile and ask a question.. "Hey you.. how was your weekend?"
He can ignore it.. or answer it.
While he is pondering what to do.. it gives you the chance to decide how to "react" to what he says.
"i am ready. it's going to "hurt" but yeah, if there is a chance that i could do something to get my best friend to stop being mad at me for something i didn't do. i'm in."
This is a pretty solid thought. Think about the situation like this. What would you do.. if.. this was just your BFF.. and he/she had all the same issues your H does? Can you see the "Emotional" (You) side of things now? Can you understand why your mind can "hold YOU back"?
"coach, forrest, and lauraoh has given me a lot to think about over the weekend. trying to wrap my head around the codependency issue has caused my anxiety attacks to come back."
Told ya. I understand that some people need to walk thru all the fine details. I get it.. I really do. The issue I have with it is that in doing so.. you are looking for a solution in the wrong place. You are to a point re-enforcing that "they" were the issue. What has happened.. is really not that important. To a point the WAS has already put this "stuff" behind them.. so much so.. they "forget" about the good stuff. Walking Away.. is a reaction. It is an Emotional reaction. It is never based in solid.. life changing thought. It is like being on fire.. and running around the room. We all know the person on fire.. wants someone to put them out. We also know all they really had to do.. was Stop.. Drop and Roll. Think about what would happen.. if you sat there pondering why this "crazy fool" was running around the room while on fire. Was it their mom coddling them too much as a child? I know.. it was the fire class teacher! He/She did not explain S,D and R so the person on fire understood. No.. maybe they are just "stupid" and did not retain the training. Maybe.. they set themselves on fire.. that's it!
Even after all that thought.. the solution's still are.. YOU do something.. or you hope THEY do something to help themselves.
So.. to DB it.. You "Act as if" you can help or you "Go Dark" and see what happens.
"i feel like the road to reconciliation is getting longer and longer."
Why? Just because you are more informed now.. what in that changed the "time frame"? You are allowing "this" to overwhelm you. You are creating obstacles for yourself. All of this stuff comes into play when you move to "piecing". You don't need any of this info.. to help you do anything right now. Right now.. we don't want to talk about the R you had with H. You have to get your foot in the door first. We want to talk with the H about how his weekend was.. and hope he answers the questions.
"i am afraid of what the end of the road will look like."
You have already started down the road.. have you not? You made that choice. You can't change that now.. all you can do is say.. man.. I so should have been going the other way. Now I have to walk further.. and it is hot.. now I am sweating. That right there is the "Work".. when you know you made a poor choice and understand you have to change it. As long as you know this new road is the "best" way.. everything will fall into place.
Lets get some rough drafts up on your statement..
Heck.. just free write some words/thoughts. Maybe we can refine it from just that.
"Forrest is fond of pointing out that we can only address you in our dialouges so the advise is geared to you and hence all the work."
To be clear.. I usually say that when people are getting all "moody" on me. They think I am attacking them and stuff. I have also said.. if you can get your "partner" to post.. I will talk directly at them too. At the end of the day.. it is your post. It is your life. All I can do is try and point out where there is "Drama". Or.. help you create some. I am very good at both. What happens after that.. well that is up to you.
GG.. get your mind in the game! Focus on that!
You gotta start playing.. to even have a shot at "winning".
Now...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
