I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

I may be misinterpreting this but it sounds like you have already committed yourself to a D. If this is indeed the case then WHY? Can I ask what is the harm in waiting? What is the harm in giving him and YOURSELF the time to work on both of your issues? Time my friend is on YOUR side. It may not seem like it now but it really is.

No, I'm not committed to a D. Although I do feel like I need to be committed. lol. I wonder if there is actually a way out of this while staying M, right now it doesn't look like it, not on his part anyway. I could be wrong, it's just hard to imagine that he's ever going to feel anything other than hate for me.

Of course, if you'd have told me five years ago we'd be where we are right now I'd have laughed at you. Not us!! But here we are. I also know that most of the anger he's directing at me isn't because of me, they are his issues. It is just so hard to believe that he'll ever get past this.

Then don't do it.

I'm not doing anything intentionally to tick him off or make him feel bad, but that is going to be the case *no matter* what I do. So I might as well do whatever benefits me. I still hate that he's going to feel bad. I hate that he's hurting so much. I hate that he "hates" me (even though I know better--he's still acting like it).

Waffle much?



I did talk to his mom last night, S8 wanted to tell H about the races and Milo--but he wasn't there. She mentioned that H had wondered aloud if I had decided not to let the kids call after all anymore--they hadn't called him (except for a few minutes last night). I told her that he had told me to stop calling for them, he'd call us when he could! She just sighed & said, "I believe that. You know him." Not that he was being malicious & trying to make me out to be the bad guy, but rather that he'll say something, and then is surprised when it comes to fruition.

I'm still cycling through extreme sadness to anger and back again, hitting every emotion in between. It's exhausting.

Last night was fun. I knew Poppa was having fun when he started singing along. I was surprised at how many *young* people were in the audience...meaning, younger than me. lol! Amazing musicians, wonderful dinner & some time spent with my Poppa. He was so chatty last night--I don't think he's said that much to me in all my years combined.

Even with his terribly broken English (it's getting worse the older he gets) he still managed to tell me that H was a "no-good, lazy son-of-a-gun". That hurt, but I managed to save my tears until after he was out of the car. He just loves me & my kids so much, he's furious with H. I can understand that. But still...



A co-worker was telling me about her 39 year old brother--he's been married for 19 years, has two kids who are almost out of high school, and has been a cop for 15 years. He moved out of his house, left his "crazy" wife, and has been dating some 20 year old former crack-head who works at a gas station. I tried telling her that he's probably going through a MLC. She said she didn't believe in them--her brother just needed to pull his head out of his a$$.

Yeah, that too. I hate feeling this way--but at least I have this place & you guys to help me make sense of it all. I can't even imagine what kind of shape I'd be in if I hadn't been clued in. I hope you guys don't mind that I don't post too much on other people's threads yet--I really don't think I've got anything to add right now. But I am reading. And reading. And reading.


I'm off to FLYlady my house ( www.flylady.com for anyone who needs that little extra help organizing your home & your life--she's so wonderful!! And it's free.), make a menu for the week & go grocery shopping. That should take my mind off of this for a little while.

See you guys soon. And thanks again. It's nice to have people who *get it*.