Ok.. you are making assumptions. You are romantiscising it because you are trying to make sense of it, I know, I do the same.. kind of.. how COULD you ?? I know my sitch wasnt as dramatic as yours, but he still made a chose to walk out on a life together and date someone else. So rationally you think how COULD you have done that? - you MUST have loved them deeply. Even more so for you because of the kids.
But I dont think it works that way. I can see how it ought to work that way, but it doesnt. You cant rationalise it. I have a slightly different perspective because I had a 2 1/2 year EA/PA yet I DID still love my bf deeply, although I tried to make bf take a new job and move away!!! Crazy.
Thats the point, A's dont make sense but you are trying to make sense of it, so you are filling in the gaps.
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So, he WAS in love with her deeply, she did touch him in a level that was substantial, he had to fight his love for his kids to follow his love for her.
BUT.. he told you himself, he DIDNT love her. He told you didnt he? Do you believe him?
And it is easier for men to 'compartmentalise', so he must have been fighting his guilt yes, but men have affairs the world over because they just can compartmentalise and carry on. And when you say:
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It IS the fact that he chose her over me repeatedly, he found something to her that I was missing and probably still am.
I totally understand because this is how I feel. He was 'dating' me that summer 2008, but he made a stark decision - her over me. So I asked him why he did that.
He says he has no idea! It was just a series of bad choices in those years and that she was just...different. He felt I hadnt listened to him in our R. He felt ignored. She made him feel... well you know how this works. Jody explained it me:
They dont love the person, they love how that person makes them feel in that R.
So, they dont feel useless/shamed/ignored or like they are letting the other person down. The other person hangs off their every word and cant get enough of them. They feel like a king.
Ok, maybe you were at fault a bit in your old R, maybe you got complacent or controlling etc? You said to us here that you were very strong and capable and didnt allow him to be the man, that you could be a 'bitch' at times. I know it isnt fair, why should they just have leave and not work on the R? For many complex reasons I guess and having an affair is such a cliche.. sad but true.
As Jody said, you have lost the right of exclusivity to your H. BUT, you never had it anyway, you werent virgins when you met! I reckon it would be good to pay to speak to Jody to help you at this juncture?
I'm sorry you are upset. I am upset today too! (for a different reason) xxx
