All of the negative emotions need to be worked through..one step at a time, one day at a time.
You let them out, examine them, work through them, and that takes time to do so.
You will find "triggers" that will set them off, and seem to put you back at square one, until you accept, forgive and heal.
Again, this takes time to get through..and it's not easy.
It's normal what you're feeling; you're grieving this through, trying to make some sense of it, and put it into a form you can deal with.
Each person is different as they work through the events that have happened.
It took me two years, post affair to forgive, accept and heal from the affair. Some might say that since he never admitted to it, that it would have been harder for me.
I can't say for sure, I only know the betrayal nearly drove me to suicide, then I had to see the reality of the betrayal, and understand that it was never about me; it was due to the selfishness of my husband.
That was, but in part the REALITY I had to see that was my husband.
Because IF, he'd been thinking OF me, it never would have happened, but he wasn't...I was NOWHERE within his thoughts while the affair commenced.
Yet, it wasn't just the affair I had to deal with. I also had to deal with the betrayal of my husband that was also within his BEHAVIOR toward me.
In other words, he'd betrayed me on MANY levels, and at first, it was really hard to deal with.
I learned to separate the behavior from the person, but I STILL, again, had to forgive, accept and heal from all the negative emotions that had evoked within me.
In that process I did learn that he'd not really done this TO me..he'd done it all to HIMSELF.
If he'd lost me in the process, that would have been HIS FAULT, not mine. Although I had my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and dealt with those mistakes, growing from it, I never did ANYTHING that would have been so bad that I deserved to be treated as I'd been treated, nor did I deserve to be cheated on, either; MLC or NOT.
I also had to deal with the fact that when I chose to bring my marriage back together that I'd be taking back "damaged goods"..as when a spouse cheats on another, it is considered, a loss of innocence, plus the loss of exclusivity..that can NEVER be regained; it is LOST forever.
It's a wonder that I hadn't ended up with a STD or OW becoming pregant or something worse.
That's a great deal to have to face, and the hurt is tremendous.
Now, don't get me wrong, in the beginning, I nearly DID leave him...I didn't know if I would be able to take what was happening. My attitude was a very bad one at first, and I was busy arguing as to why I had to change when HE was the one who did wrong.
Well, we know how that turned out.
I also came to understand that HE was the lucky one, not me. In all I had to deal with, he benefited from the strength I had, and he came to see that it could very well have gone the other way.
He found he was NOT the only one who could call the shots to go or stay...I could too, and that took the wind right out of his sails...kind of pitiful when you think about it.
It took a great deal of strength for me to forgive, accept and heal from ALL the betrayals that were committed against me.
It would have been all to easy to become bitter; I've known women who NEVER forgave their husbands for what they've done, preferring to use it as a club to keep them in line.
Sorry, but I'm not that way; if it had come down to that, I'd have let him go completely, shoving him out the door, before I'd have become bitter about it.
I do NOT have a 12 step program to get through the grieving process; I just faced it and worked through it for as long as it took.
And wouldn't you know, I not only faced this during his MLC, but when I went through The Change, I had to face it all again?
It was then I processed it all more completely during that time.
As the memories heal and fade, you find you remember things that happened as a fact, but do not relive them...that is emotional healing that has occurred within.
Each one of you ladies, regardless of how this turns out, will each go through this process...and I pray that all will be healed completely in time.
There will be things that you'll never forget, although, the pain will be gone...these will have important lessons attached.
I know you must accept, forgive, and heal; but if you forget the event in question, you didn't learn anything from it. The different memories you will retain is not so you can bring it up again, it is so you do NOT forget the lesson from it.
Time does indeed heal ALL wounds, provides valuable insight, and is a tool that you can use to help others.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
