still separated, headed for D?

[courageous wife]

Nm....

Of course you cannot be "up" all the time! We would think you were a "Stepford Wife" if you didn't have some emotion or down days! You have hung in there for a very long time! We are here for you no matter what! I always look for your thread for the positives and motivation! But, do NOT be afraid to post when you are feeling down...we all have those days!

Unfortunately, my anger has not gone away. It comes and goes, just like the sadness...

The Abandoment book is very good!

[flowmom]

Newmama, what I posted wasn't from that book, but I have to say that that book should be required reading for every LBS. It really does help to see how one's own experience fits into patterns...and how we can move through the process in healthy way that brings healing. I highly recommend it.

And I understand the aloneness and lack of direction. You have made a huge shift and it's going to take some time before you feel grounded again.

Just because you're the Queen of PMA doesn't mean you have to be all the time. You must give yourself space to grieve if you want to heal. Even if the wished-for reconciliation occurs, you will still have grieving and healing to do. WH cannot undo what he has done, or the pain that it has caused you.

(((Newmama)))

[WhatNow]

!I have been forcing my mind to go back to it when I start to try and prepare myself for the worst. I mean there has to be a way to keep thinking positive while acknowledging the feelings of anger and sadness....right?

Helping others here, like the way you support me, helps...doesn't it?

I have developed a knack for putting aside a lot of the what ifs. I deal with it when I get there. If H presents me with papers, I will be devastated no matter how much I prepare for it, so I don't prepare. I will also be stunned, and scared if he tells me he is through w/ OW and wants to return. I'll deal with it when I get there.

Your are treading water, and sometimes need to lay back and float.

[gatsby11]

"He said "I will text you to let you know when I land." ???? I said nothing.

Then he said "I might also text to check on S...just because..."
I didn't say anything.

He said he will come here straight from the airport on Thurs night to pick up S."

I don't know if that quote looks the way it's supposed to look!

Anyway, I thought that this whole thing was good. Even though he's 'crossing a boundary,' isn't that ultimately what you want? I guess I interpreted his input-- texting you about himself, texting again 'just because' and then going to the house right after landing-- as him getting warmer to you. That your distance was pulling him in.

Of course, I can see it the other way, too, that he's being selfish and crossing your boundaries.

That's always the line, and that's why this DB thing is really hard. Without R talks, there's no real way to know motivation! And even if their motivation is not pure to begin with, it could become that way.

[newmama]

Hey, thanks Gatsby for explaining. You are right- those are signs of pursuing. And pursuing does involve crossing boundaries (if I let him).

Whatnow-I am thinking about not responding if he asks about S.
I also am thinking about legal implications- like it says that parents will inform one another about the child (don't have exact quotes). Normally he would see S 6/7 days per week so I would be able to tell him during the exchange. But since he is away on a trip, and won't see him for 5 days, it is reasonable of me to inform him.

BUT maybe I can take control and say "I will text you in the evenings to let you know how he is doing."
???thoughts???

[courageous wife]

NM

I think you still need to communicate with your H about your S even if it is only a he's doing ok today, S had a milestone etc. You don't have to go into detail, just keep it brief and to the point.

Just let your H be the one to text and ask about S and then answer in as few words as possible...short and to the point.

Just my thoughts!

[newmama]

thanks CW- I guess for the duration of the trip that makes sense...but if he starts to do it after he returns I will remind him of the boundary!

[newmama]

Ok this is really silly I know but I was kind of meditating today, focusing on what it might look like when WH tells me he wants to reconcile. Well to my surprise, when I pictured myself asking if he had broken up with OW, he said not yet but he was planning on it!

Well believe me, that woke me out of my daze in an instant! I stopped and really had to consider what I would say or do!

Don't you think in that case, it would be appropriate to give him an ultimatum? Like "if you end it NOW, then I will agree to reconcile. If you don't, I will file for divorce." And I am serious! (it is just filing- he could see I was dead serious because my actions would show that and he could find the balls to end it at that point)

And then I would tell him that he could either just leave his stuff at her place and replace it all or that S and I would go with him to get them.

And then I would sit next to him as he wrote his NC letter via email.

[courageous wife]

Wouldn't that be great?

I know your H is not mlc but...over there, they say that the WAS has to be the one to end it and on their terms, when they are ready...if you throw in an ultimatum, it would be seen as controlling and would probably back fire on you.

[flowmom]

I know your H is not mlc but...over there, they say that the WAS has to be the one to end it and on their terms, when they are ready...if you throw in an ultimatum, it would be seen as controlling and would probably back fire on you.

I think that's a danger too.