still separated, headed for D?

[smileuk]

hi newmama

thnks for replying to my thread. I've scanned yours and yes it's OK to feel down about the sitch once in a while. It can be exhausting working on a PMA sometimes. I found myself crying the X Factor the other week! Sad sad sad. Still the downs get less.

I beieve your H will get to resent OW in time.

I've also read on here that if they want to start reconnecting it's with the kids, family and friends first and the spouse last. So maybe I'm being over enthusiastic but a step in the right direction? Take it steady though keep doing want your doing watching, evaluating before action.

[newmama]

Thanks for stopping by, Smile!

I've also read on here that if they want to start reconnecting it's with the kids, family and friends first and the spouse last. So maybe I'm being over enthusiastic but a step in the right direction?

Well, WH has been attached to S from birth, so I don't see any changes there! But thank you for your support and I will continue to watch and evaluate any changes in WH's behavior. Luckily I only have to see him for a few minutes today and then not until Thurs night!

[newmama]

WH dropped off S. He was on his way to the airport for his trip- he lingered a little. I know he was going to miss S because he won't see him until Thurs night.I stayed withdrawn but had to talk to him about S- was trying to see if he was sick or not.

Well at one point I said "ok, have a safe trip!" so that he would get the hint and leave! He said "I will text you to let you know when I land." ???? I said nothing.

Then he said "I might also text to check on S...just because..."
I didn't say anything.

He said he will come here straight from the airport on Thurs night to pick up S.

[gatsby11]

Hey, this sounds good! I'm glad to hear it.

[newmama]

I think I really am detaching and breaking through the BS fog. You see, WH is just getting more and more selfish. I am in shock because it is NOT AT ALL like the man I married!! I remember he wanted to be the positive influence on OW but instead, she became the negative influence on him. If it weren't for the hundreds of other stories that I read about As, I would think the old WH was gone forever. But the truth is he is not here now!

He is selfish for not letting me have my space. He is selfish for doing things that make himself feel less guilty. He is selfish for texting me while he is on this trip without asking me- he TOLD me he was going to. I just didn't know how to respond earlier but now I realize he should have asked!! If he really cared about my feelings he would have respected my feelings!

I kind of get the sense that he is desperately trying to keep me connected to him. He can tell I am withdrawing. Well tough sh!t because until he ends things with OW and drops the D there is no way I am letting him back in my life. He is the neighbor who got me pregnant!(my pregnant DB friends know what I mean!)


So when his flight arrived at his destination, he texted me with "Made it in one piece! Little bumpy. Give S a kiss for me!"

Sigh. I was tempted to 1) not reply 2) say "I will." 3)say "too bad you made it in one piece."

But instead I said "Ok, thanks for telling me. I will kiss S for you." Damn damn damn! I should have just said "ok, I will!" I really didn't care if he let me know that he landed.argggh!

I talked to my best friend who told me that she thinks WH was selfish also by not running changes of plans by OW- that he might be closing in on himself, heading for self implosion. WONDERFUL!!! Because self implosion implies rock bottom which often is what it takes to wake up and realize what they are giving up!!!

[courageous wife]

"But instead I said "Ok, thanks for telling me. I will kiss S for you." Damn damn damn! I should have just said "ok, I will!" I really didn't care if he let me know that he landed.argggh!"

Don't feel too badly! I do the same crap! But, I am getting better at it and so are you!

Sounds like you have some anger right now and that is good...you will have it now and again! I think it helps with the detaching!

(((NM)))

[flowmom]

Newmama, I think you are going through some shifts that are very healthy for you.

GRIEF
The likely outcome here is not the one that you wanted and you are feeling very sad. Let the tears flow...they are part of the process. Don't let yourself spiral downward, but some healthy release is very important. Be super gentle with yourself. It's not always a good time to act "as if".

ANGER
I am very glad to read about the angry feelings that you're having towards WH. It's very important to recognize what his actions say about his character. It's part of the process of detachment to connect with reality. And the reality is that your H would have to do a huge amount of work on himself to deserve a chance with you.

BOUNDARIES
Continuing to insist on your space is a very healthy choice for you.

(((hugs))))

[newmama]

I have to be honest- I just feel alone (again) and don't feel like I have a clear direction. I don't even see the point in going back to my therapist. I would just like to talk but he always wants me to ask him specific questions that he can help me with. I don't know what questions to ask!!!!

I don't know who to go to for support, I don't know what to ask, I don't know what I need, I just don't know anything!

Tomorrow I will be taking S with me to visit a friend and will be gone until Wed night.

Sorry for the NMA.

[WhatNow]

I don't know what questions to ask!!!!

You answer your own question with this!

I don't know who to go to for support, I don't know what to ask, I don't know what I need, I just don't know anything!

ICs can guide you through this. Go back to your plan! It was having an effect. Also, what if he texts more and you didn't respond? He knows you would tell him if he needed to know something about S, right? So the "how is S today?" can be ignored?

[newmama]

Gatsby, just was wondering what you thought sounded good about WH's drop off with S? The way I responded? The fact that he wanted to text me?

CW- yes the anger is "unpleasant" and I don't find it useful other than to help me detach. Glad to hear it will go away! And that you go through it too!

Flowmom-I did check out the website for From Abandonment to Healing (I think that's the title) and recognized some of the stages you metnioned. Were they from there?

Whatnow- I haven't forgotten my plan believe it or not!I have been forcing my mind to go back to it when I start to try and prepare myself for the worst. I mean there has to be a way to keep thinking positive while acknowledging the feelings of anger and sadness....right?

I was thinking to the time when I took a risk, resigned before finding my next job, and applied for 25 teaching positions. I went on 10-12 interviews. 99% time during this job hunt, I had faith that I would get something I really wanted. Only for a short while I would think things like "what do I do if I don't get a job? what if this is a horrible time for looking? what if I just don't have the experience?" .But I KNEW I would be successful. Sure enough, the 11th and 12th interviews I was offered the job- so 2 different schools wanted me!

My point? I did not let myself worry about failing. I have done this kind of thinking for every goal I have set...and have achieved them so far!Oh- I should point out that I didn't achieve my goals overnight but I always held them in my heart. So I need to remember that.

Thanks so much ladies. I do feel better...maybe I shouldn't be "allowed" to post when I am feeling too low or too angry!