OK, I understand what you are saying but do you want to be right or married?
married. :P
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You knew it was wrong yet didn't do anything productive to solve the problem. Why? You didn't have the tools and weren't aware of how it appeared in your relationship with your H and his family. I am trying to help you become aware of the unhealthy dialouge and how to remedy it. You need to learn the tools of healthy dialouge.
ok. i get it now. i thought you were just pointing it out and trying to get me to feel more compasionate. because compassion is a way to combat the anger i me. but i guess i assumed that it stopped there. you didn't ask me a follow up question like .. how would you respond if he did such and such? you always ask a follow up question!
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The first step in reconciling is losing all the negative feelings. The only one you can change is yourself, Forrest is fond of pointing out that we can only address you in our dialouges so the advise is geared to you and hence all the work. So are you ready to do the work?
i am ready. it's going to "hurt" but yeah, if there is a chance that i could do something to get my best friend to stop being mad at me for something i didn't do. i'm in.
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Hope you had a great weekend squash girl. You will cherish your time here later I promise.
well, glad you asked about my weekend. here is me journaling ..
coach, forrest, and lauraoh has given me a lot to think about over the weekend. trying to wrap my head around the codependency issue has caused my anxiety attacks to come back.
although i got a lot accomplished (mainly errands that i've put off for too long) this weekend, i couldn't help but wonder what my h was up to. i still couldn't get the "is he seeing someone?" issue out of my head. i didn't not stalk him or anything but in the end, i manage to convince myself that i never doubted him before. even after the d-bomb, there was no evidence that there was someone else.
i googled codependency and found a long list of traits. and the majority of them fit my h's mother. i started thinking of all the past incidents where warning signs were flashing.
i remember one christmas, we were in h's hometown for two weeks. one of h's best friends invited us to a party at their place. it was a chance for h to see all of his friends. but his mother convinced us not to go. saying that there will be lots of check stops to nab those drinking and driving. she also said that i wouldn't have any fun there since i didn't know h's friends very well. that i wouldn't like them because they weren't a bit more rowdy than what i would be used to - being the preppy east coast girl that i am, i guess she figured i couldn't adapt to their midwest, down home style partying. in the end, we gave into her request to stay home and spend time with them instead. she was elated and said that she wanted us all to herself anyway. at the time, i passed it off as her being 'needy' but no biggie.
to be honest, i was welcomed by h's friends with open arms. i never felt out of place or alienated. they were wonderful and liked that my h had settled down with a nice girl. many of his friends approved of me which was important to me.
not attending the party proved to be a bad move. the next time we were in town, h's friend asked if we were going to drop by to see them or whether they were going to snub them like we did at christmas. if only they knew.
i also recall a conversation i had with h's father once. he had told me that he didn't like being at home with his w. he said that he used to have a lot of friends. but his wife made his friends feel unwelcomed and one by one, they all stopped coming around. so now he has no friends and she commands him to help her with the endless chores around the house that must be done daily. if he helps, she'll say he's doing it wrong. she forces him to stand there and watch her do the task, all while dictating why things have to be done a certain way. she will repeat this task, several times to make sure he understands how it has to be done. in the end, she completes the task and he just watches - a waste of his time, he says.
on top of the co-dependency, h's mother has general anxiety disorder but no one has the courage to confront her about it. she worries when there's a snow storm headed our way. she'll call and tell us not to go to work because a snow storm is coming our way and we might get into an accident, die on the side of the road, and be eaten by wild animals. she'll send us cookies in her care package but worries that the cookies will be damaged in the mailing process. because if a single cookie was broken, we'd hate her. it's funny, she would pack 2 cookies in a tin full of saran wrap cushioning, just so the cookies don't break. sigh.
the one visit that stood out in my mind was thanksgiving from a few years ago. his mother was constantly asking for things to do like ironing h's shirts, vacuuming the entire house, laundry, etc. they stayed for two weeks and for two weeks, the washer and dryer were going non-stop. i couldn't believe how much laundry she was doing - we don't generate that much laundry! we were prepping the turkey for thanksgiving and when it came to washing anything that touched the raw poultry, she said the dishwasher had to be set on sani-rinse and heat dry. i said uh .. no sani-rinse and no heat dry. she looked liked she was going to burst into tears. h stepped in and said how about sani-rinse and no heat dry? i rolled my eyes and just gave in. even though i wasn't near the bird, she demanded for my clothes because they too had to be sterilized due to flying salmonella that may have contaminated my clothes. i didn't remove my clothes until a few hours later. i removed them in my bedroom and then hopped in the shower. i heard a bump while i was in the shower but didn't think much of it. the next day, h's mother handed me my clothes - they had been bleached, washed on hot, dried on hot, and folded. the bump i heard was her sneaking in my bedroom and going through my laundry basket in search of the contaminated clothes. none of my other dirty clothese were touched but she was on a mission to find the turkey clothes.
the turkey was also a headache for us. when the turkey was done, she thought the juices were still pink (paranoia) and said it had to be put back in for another hour. h was angry on the inside because he wanted to show that he knew how to cook a turkey (h is a good cook so he knew it was done). to please her, he put the bird back in for another 45 mins. i didn't know this was going on and when i saw the grouchy look on h's face, i asked what was wrong. he said his mother didn't think the turkey was done so we have to put it back in for another 45 mins. he whispered to me .. it's going to be so dry. so i walked over to the oven, and i turned it off. turkey is done, i exclaimed. there was no reason for this. crying just to get your way?
after they had left, h and i were mentally exhausted. i couldn't believe how exhausted i was. to have to keep up with her manipulation and demands, it really tested our relationship. i laid down the ground rules with h that the next time they were to visit, his mother will not be allowed to run our home as if it were her own. he had the difficult conversation with her and as usual, she cried and cried and cried. she was only trying to help. she said she felt unwelcomed and that she will never set foot in our house ever again. it was hard on h because this was his mother. i guess as a co-dependent himself, he felt responsible for her feelings. i think deep down, he resents me for making him confront his mother on the issue.
a lot of things came out of that confrontation. i found out that she had held a grudge against me because she felt excluded from our wedding plans. i recall asking h whether he wanted a mother/son dance and he said not really and that it didn't really matter. but now i hear that she felt it was too much "east coast prep" and not very "mid-west". i guess i could have included her in my wedding plans but i do recall her saying that she wanted to respect my traditions and she wanted to take part in my cultural ceremony as well. but now she says the wedding leaned towards my culture more than theirs. why wasn't this brought up at the time? we did our best to include both traditions and h agreed with much of the plans that we had set out. why bring up things like that now?
all along, i kept blaming h's mom for manipulating my h. she drove away her husband's friends. she is going to drive away h's friends (by coercing us to spend time with them instead of his friends). and now she's driven me out of the picture too. i should have seen this coming. it was only a matter of time that i was next. is there a way to turn things around? if i had done something truly unforgiveable, i can understand that i may not get a second chance. but what did i do? i'm being accused of being mean, unwelcoming, ungrateful, and just bitchy for what? how did h's mom end up with that much power?
i guess i feel sorry for them to have to hold on to a grudge like that.
i'm overwhelmed by the information and explanations. the more information i get, i feel like the road to reconciliation is getting longer and longer. i get anxious because the road is so long that i can't see the end. i am afraid of what the end of the road will look like. i am afraid the anger will never subside. but i need to have faith and do a lot of praying. listen to my advisors. maybe they were sent by God. maybe He has been listening to me all along?
on the self-care side, i enrolled in the baking class at the local craft store. it's a 4 week course that my friends recommended. there are 3 courses in total so i will take the 2nd course in july, and the final course in august. my goal is to create cute cupcakes for my nephew's 3rd birthday in october.
it was a busy weekend but i still feel like there is so much to do. i made time for yoga today and after the class, i stepped on the scale and saw that i had gained 4 lbs but i'm still under 100 lbs. i'm doing my best to eat healthy and fresh fruits and veggies. i watch what i spend and i'm careful with how i spend my money. they say that the woman usually suffers financially in a divorce. i don't want to be that statistic either. i'm not in any financial trouble but i'm back to that 'poverty' mentality again. it's only temporary though. i slip in the occasional reward when i have a good day - i learned that from my h.
so i walked over to the oven, and i turned it off. turkey is done, i exclaimed. there was no reason for this. crying just to get your way? 
