SCh, FWIW I would step back and detach further. Your H is still spinning like crazy. He is cycling right now and that's why reconciling talk is fading. Just think if you'd taken him back he would probably be on his way out again and you would be starting this all over.
Validating what your H says doesn't mean that you agree with him it just means that he has a right to feel that way.
Do not lie and say that it was mutual a) because it's not true and b) because even if you do it won't fix him. Right now he is still projecting and blaming you for the sitch. You can't help him now he has to look inside and deal with his issues. Until he does this he will continue the rollercoaster ride.
Just continue to GAL and take care of the kids and yourself. It's the best thing you can do for you right now. Leave your H to God.
NOW, he's telling the kids it's my fault he's not with them.
That if it was up to him, he would live with them, and they would all be great.
But "I" am the problem. He can't live with ME. So since they are with me, he can't live with them either, please feel sorry for him.
And he tells them he can't live with me because I argue with him all the time.
The man has not lived here for 10 months, literally abandonded us with no notice last year, now I work full-time and spend almost all my free time with the kids, and with the last bit try to GAL. I have nothing at all to do with him or his sitch or his problems, am not responsible for these choices he's made, and I almost never say anything to argue with him. The only thing I say really is that I miss him and our family all being and living together.
Did the kids tell you that he said that? If they did, you probably have a feel from the way they brought it up if they are just stating what he'd said of if they are looking for explanation from you.
Just remember...kids KNOW what's going on, they are often more aware then what we give them credit for.
Your H is obviously still in replay, happily rewriting history and assigning blame....
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
He's also in depression now, openly admits he's depressed, and annoyed with all the rest of the world, that we're all useless, that only he is acting like an adult.
Don't lie, but, I suppose you could "validate" your H's decison to other people??? IDK! I don't know what to say about the kids...as Mila says, they are aware...
It just sucks, doesn't it?
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
To answer your question, I would say that your H is in MLC.
That is why you post over here, because you think that.
MLC=Confusion
Your H has shown you his confusion time and again.
Of course it is your fault that he will not can’t move home with the children. Why on earth would it be his fault?
Second, even with the things that you are doing to live right now, I have seen a ton of focus still on your H, his actions, and his feelings…
It is time, and it is really obvious to me and others, to shift the focus from your H to you…
You let his words and actions confuse and hurt you…
They stop you in your progress…
You have heard some good things “the candle lit” thing for one.
It is not a guarantee of much, but it is a positive comment.
However, because you are still doing the dance with him, you are allowing yourself to be put in the position you are in…
So now you are hurt all over by his actions…
Seeking is right, if you had taken up residence together, he would probably be on his way back out of the door, and THAT would not have been your fault, but his choice. Because he is still very very uncertain of anything in his life right now.
I would suggest that you take some more time, learn about MLC some more (have you done that yet?), read the archives, read about pursuit and detatchment. Then APPLY what you have read and learned. Really apply it.
Some very hard questions have been asked of you in the last week, that you haven’t answered. The answers aren’t necessary for us, but they are necessary for you or you are going to continue to spin.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Sometimes...words are just that....words
What are his actions saying ?
You H can say whatever he wants, including that your skin is purple and that you are from the country of Jacklandia, however that does not make it true…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I just don't understand why this happened. I miss my old life, and I miss my old H, and I miss our family all being together. We were so good, and he just blew it all up, and won't stop. And his mother keeps encouraging him to stay away from me. Now she's blaming me for not having the grandkids over, even though I invited her here to see where we live and she wouldn't come. They could go to her place every other weekend otherwise, when he could take them (his weekends), but he doesn't, blames it on me, why is my fault? His friends more and more are all walk-away divorced Dads and single people. WHY?
He doesn't see me be sad, at least not much. Neither does anyone else. I come here and you can read what I'm feeling, but no one else does, it's all bottled up. I'm a serious professional, and a great Mom, and a good friend, and that's all pretty much anyone ever sees. There's maybe a half dozen or so people that have or would ask me on dates, but I don't want to go, and I'm really not interested. I just want my life back.
I don't want to progress any further. I could do it just fine, but I don't want to. I want my children to have their family back, and there is nothing I can do to give them that.
I do answer your questions, and I don't like the answers, but I do understand that they are so.
I should just go work out or something, I just woke up so sad today.
Thanks, Cat04, I'll be ok, I really appreciate your writing.
WH - he destroyed my marriage, he walked away from my life, even if he came back it's irretrievably broken, he forced my children to live in broken home, he left the day I had just gotten the job I'd worked my whole life for and I had to go to my boss and tell him I couldn't function, my kids lost their friends, I can't see my future, I don't know if it will be better or worse but IT doesn't exist right now, he treated me worse then you would treat your enemies, how am I ever supposed to heal from this?
Sorry, I think I have to do this (feel sorry for myself, then get mad, vent) to move to another stage. Face reality so that I can then leave the mounting frustrated situation and go forward.
Maybe that's why they do all that harmful abusive fighting before they (WS) leave. To work themselves into an anger so they can justify to themselves moving out/on. Dysfunctional as it is, in their sitch, same coping mechanism never-the-less.
We all go through these feelings. And you really are at the right point in your time line to be having them. As well as the anger that this is still going on…
Who knew this would go on this long?
I mean, we come here, others further down the road, they warn us, they tell us to work on ourselves, to take the focus off of them, that this is a long hard road…
And we all, all of us, start out believing that we are going to be the exception to the rule…
We go on with some of our day to day stuff as best we can, waiting, hoping, analyzing every little thing that happens, looking for SOME sign that things are changing because we can’t believe this has happened, and we ARE going to be the exception, there is no way that this can really take so long. Our spouse is going to be the one that wakes up quickly.
It is a normal part of the process. When we start seeing them NOT really waking up, when we realize that the little positives that we have seen, are just really fleeting moments, that they are back in the tunnel and they are not moving forward, we get scared and sad and angry. THAT is where I see you right now.
It is a normal part of this. Just like not wanting to progress forward is normal…
But SC, it is necessary…
For you, for your wellbeing, for your future and for your kids…
Please don’t mistake my saying “move forward” as “move on”…
They are very different things. Moving forward means living, true to yourself, standing for your M if that is what you feel is right for you…
Moving on…that is dating…getting D…
In moving forward, you better understand the dynamics of what your H is going through, which allows him the space and freedom that he needs for him to hopefully move forward…
It is letting go of the anger, finding forgivness, accepting that while this might not be what you want, it is what is happening…
That there is no magic pill or quick fix…
So what do you do in the meantime, while you have chosen to stand, to give him the space and time that HE needs, without making yourself crazy…
You learn what MLC is, you learn to really recognize the crazy behavior for what it is. You take the things he has said to you, the blaming things, and you weigh them out, see what has merit, and what doesn’t. Then you see what, if anything, you want to change about yourself…
You learn who YOU are, which is exactly what he is trying to do for himself, even if he doesn’t know it right now…
You learn what YOU like, what YOU want, what YOU need, and what makes YOU happy…
Regardless of your H. Who were YOU before you met him? What did you like? What were YOUR hobbies, that maybe you let go by the way side for the M?
SC, it is mirror work. It is hard. Self reflection, is never easy. IF you choose to do the work, you will find yourself much happier, much less dependent on what he wants to do, because you will learn that no matter what, you are ok. Then you may reevaluate your situation, and what you want may or may not change, but you will be making a choice based on YOU, not him, his actions or words.
My friend Brooklyn says, the only way to do it is through it…
SC, you can do this… you may not want to, but I promise you, you will not be sorry…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox