The countdown continues

[Awoken]

What can you do? If it was a stranger, you'd feel kind of sad for them that they are having such a hard time.

Thanks for the reply, Timeheals.

Oddly enough, she is a stranger to me now. I used to be able to predict her every move and thought. She was my best friend. Now, I just don't know her at all.

And I do feel sad for her. What can I do? I suppose let "time heal" and do my best to improve things for the sake of my kids. We may divorce, but I'll have a relationship with her forever, right?

[Awoken]

((((Gardener))))

You know, your support here means a lot to me. Thanks for all the encouraging words and for keeping an eye out for me. I'm sure you understand that three little words "There ya go." can do so much.

There was a chapter in "rational recovery" about the spouses of addicts that was really meaningful to me. One thing that comes to mind right now is that even though I'm still worried about W, it's really a relief to not feel responsibility for her anymore. I have no idea if she is drinking, or how much. I don't know what her mood is, whether she is manic or depressed, and I don't have to accommodate those things anymore. At first I didn't even recognize exactly what that big hole I was feeling/missing was. It will likely be good for her too, to rely only on herself for a while.

[Reincarnated]

I just read through your thread here - first, sorry that you and your kids have had to go through all this....

I am sure that I will have something more insightful to say later, but one thing I want to point out:

If cell service stinks at her place, she has no way of getting through to 911 in the case of an emergency. Have it written into the decree that this is required, even if you have to throw the $40/month for her to have a phone. And set a time that you will be in contact with the kids on a daily basis (we use 7 pm, give or take a little - the kids expect and appreciate the routine).

[Awoken]

Thanks Donna, its a good point.

The thing is, W has a blackberry. She insisted on having her own account back in January; I knew it was for OM.

Even though the blackberry is with the same provider, she has some kind of free roaming on it and gets all the reception she needs. It's the two kids phones that aren't working. I hadn't thought it through about the 911. The kids will need it when they are at her home and she is not there. I'll mention it to my lawyer first thing monday!

[givingitmyall]

Hey friend. I am watching your thread. You are doing great.

This:

Yes, she is still unhappy, and will likely continue to be until she deals with her drinking problem, and gets back on her meds. So, of course, its not about me.

...is a VERY important and big step. Because it frees you from blaming yourself and driving yourself crazy trying to fix YOU for HER. Not saying not to work on improving you or that we LBS's are blameless. Just that reaching the understanding that this mess is less about you than you first thought (so did I) is a milestone on the road to recovery for YOU.

Keep focusing on understanding yourself. Your needs, wants, desires, fears about the future. Once you truly understand yourself, you will know what it is you want out of life. And if I've learned one thing from this experience, it is THAT. If I know what I want from life, then working towards that allows me to be truly happy.

And, HAPPY is where it's at.

Hang in there buddy. You're doing wonderfully.

[flowmom]

Awoken, I had to deal with that with H. He only has a cell phone that the children don't know how to operate. If something happened to him, they would have no way of calling 911. Also, H had not introduced him to neighbours, done any coaching in how to deal with emergencies, etc. For now the deal is that the children call 911 at neighbours' if necessary. Hopefully neighbours are trustworthy...I have no idea.

[Awoken]

I don't know why I care, but W sent more emails complaining about money. She is complaining about how small her apartment it is, and how it is all she could afford. She has even told the kids that she had to get the apartment because of the cost. It's a two bedroom, so my S14! is sleeping in the living room.

So today, the kids spend the week at mom's apartment. D17 left some paperwork on the kitchen counter. On top was a floor plan for their unit. I looked it up online, it's almost 1500 square feet, and cost more per month than our mortgage($1400). W could have easily rented a house for less money. The main advantages I see to it is that is very close to her work, and it's in a very upscale neighborhood.

W told me that it was 900 square feet, for $800 a month.

And the she emails me saying she doesn't trust me about the amount of our tax refund. Liar's don't trust.

It's frustrating, because she's using the apartment to get our kids to feel some sympathy for her. Ok, I got that out, and I likely need to stop worrying about it. That's why I'm posting it here.

My big worry, and one that is relevant, is that W will get upset enough about this that she drives the divorce to mediation and the costs continue to skyrocket.

Overall I'm feeling good, but in the back of my mind...ARRGGHH!

[FindingMyVoice]

It's frustrating, because she's using the apartment to get our kids to feel some sympathy for her. Ok, I got that out, and I likely need to stop worrying about it. That's why I'm posting it here.

Good grief. No wonder you're frustrated and worried. Don't blame you a bit for needing to get that out! It's good to get these things out in writing isn't it. Sometimes worries don't want to go away until they're noticed; until you recognize that they're trying to tell you something.

Overall I'm feeling good, but in the back of my mind...ARRGGHH!

Glad you're feeling ok with the big picture, wish you didn't have to deal with all the nonsense! I wish I had some concrete advice to offer you regarding mediation. That must be stressful to worry about. Hang in there Awoken, better days are ahead! PG.

[Sister]

And the she emails me saying she doesn't trust me about the amount of our tax refund. Liar's don't trust.

You got that right!

It's frustrating, because she's using the apartment to get our kids to feel some sympathy for her. Ok, I got that out, and I likely need to stop worrying about it. That's why I'm posting it here.

Good you got it out here. It really is up to HER how she relates to the kids. You shouldn't be trying to influence that at all. Let her sink or swim on her own. Just be true/straight with them on your side. They are smart enough to figure things out on their own. You can't control their relationship with their Mom.

My big worry, and one that is relevant, is that W will get upset enough about this that she drives the divorce to mediation and the costs continue to skyrocket.

If she is so upset about the costs, it doesn't make sense that she would want to drive the divorce a more expensive route. I think the bigger worry would be the influence of her shark lawyer on trying to drive the costs up...

Hang in there! You've come such a LONG way through all this and to hear some good positive reactions come from you is great! AARRGG...is ok sometimes, too. ((Awoken))

[Awoken]

I don't think she is ACTUALLY upset about the costs. I think she wants to use the costs against me. Of course, that's mind reading. It's a small relief not to have a responsibility towards her in that way.

I'm gonna go ARRRGGHHH! on the drumset soon. That's a lot of fun.