Mila, crying and gardening sounds like a very healing combination. (((hugs)))
GAG, I am a huge fan of The Work, developed by Byron Katie. It's very powerful to watch the process in youtube videos or listen to it in audiobooks. I have found that doing The Work is one of the most powerful ways that I've found to truly question the thoughts that cause my suffering. It brings me peace whenever I do it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
GAG - thank you so much for you post...very interesting, I will definitely study all the material by Daniel Amen. Flow - thank you for another great suggestion I will check out "The Work" as well.
There, now I have something to do tonight, thanks girls
((((group hug))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Glad you found my post helpful. Flowmom, it sounds as though you have experience using "The Work" technique. I am a beginner. Any chance you would give us a tutorial, either here or on your thread? I will have to search on You Tube for a demo. I hadn't thought of that. Good idea.
I read once that recovering from this, especially from our sitches (lbs), is like always taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. And that you are doing this climbing a mountain. I guess the idea was that it was this painful climb to the summit, the worst of it, and then down the other side things start getting easier, after 1- to - several years. Hard, right?
But even more so is that when you engage with the old relationship (i.e. attempt reconciliation, etc), but it wasn't time to work out, then you go back partway down the mountain, to where you were a few weeks or months previously, and have to start the 2 steps forward and one back from that place again.
I hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's totally normal what you're feeling, even though it's hard. Sometimes I take refuge in the idea that my feelings ARE normal, because the rest of what's happening is not. I am normal, it's good to feel this way, because that is how people are supposed to feel and act!
Anyways, long winded way of saying you're doing good, you're coping, it will get better, 2 steps forward tomorrow towards that summit, stay strong!
All of the negative emotions need to be worked through..one step at a time, one day at a time.
You let them out, examine them, work through them, and that takes time to do so.
You will find "triggers" that will set them off, and seem to put you back at square one, until you accept, forgive and heal.
Again, this takes time to get through..and it's not easy.
It's normal what you're feeling; you're grieving this through, trying to make some sense of it, and put it into a form you can deal with.
Each person is different as they work through the events that have happened.
It took me two years, post affair to forgive, accept and heal from the affair. Some might say that since he never admitted to it, that it would have been harder for me.
I can't say for sure, I only know the betrayal nearly drove me to suicide, then I had to see the reality of the betrayal, and understand that it was never about me; it was due to the selfishness of my husband.
That was, but in part the REALITY I had to see that was my husband.
Because IF, he'd been thinking OF me, it never would have happened, but he wasn't...I was NOWHERE within his thoughts while the affair commenced.
Yet, it wasn't just the affair I had to deal with. I also had to deal with the betrayal of my husband that was also within his BEHAVIOR toward me.
In other words, he'd betrayed me on MANY levels, and at first, it was really hard to deal with.
I learned to separate the behavior from the person, but I STILL, again, had to forgive, accept and heal from all the negative emotions that had evoked within me.
In that process I did learn that he'd not really done this TO me..he'd done it all to HIMSELF.
If he'd lost me in the process, that would have been HIS FAULT, not mine. Although I had my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and dealt with those mistakes, growing from it, I never did ANYTHING that would have been so bad that I deserved to be treated as I'd been treated, nor did I deserve to be cheated on, either; MLC or NOT.
I also had to deal with the fact that when I chose to bring my marriage back together that I'd be taking back "damaged goods"..as when a spouse cheats on another, it is considered, a loss of innocence, plus the loss of exclusivity..that can NEVER be regained; it is LOST forever.
It's a wonder that I hadn't ended up with a STD or OW becoming pregant or something worse.
That's a great deal to have to face, and the hurt is tremendous.
Now, don't get me wrong, in the beginning, I nearly DID leave him...I didn't know if I would be able to take what was happening. My attitude was a very bad one at first, and I was busy arguing as to why I had to change when HE was the one who did wrong.
Well, we know how that turned out.
I also came to understand that HE was the lucky one, not me. In all I had to deal with, he benefited from the strength I had, and he came to see that it could very well have gone the other way.
He found he was NOT the only one who could call the shots to go or stay...I could too, and that took the wind right out of his sails...kind of pitiful when you think about it.
It took a great deal of strength for me to forgive, accept and heal from ALL the betrayals that were committed against me.
It would have been all to easy to become bitter; I've known women who NEVER forgave their husbands for what they've done, preferring to use it as a club to keep them in line.
Sorry, but I'm not that way; if it had come down to that, I'd have let him go completely, shoving him out the door, before I'd have become bitter about it.
I do NOT have a 12 step program to get through the grieving process; I just faced it and worked through it for as long as it took.
And wouldn't you know, I not only faced this during his MLC, but when I went through The Change, I had to face it all again?
It was then I processed it all more completely during that time.
As the memories heal and fade, you find you remember things that happened as a fact, but do not relive them...that is emotional healing that has occurred within.
Each one of you ladies, regardless of how this turns out, will each go through this process...and I pray that all will be healed completely in time.
There will be things that you'll never forget, although, the pain will be gone...these will have important lessons attached.
I know you must accept, forgive, and heal; but if you forget the event in question, you didn't learn anything from it. The different memories you will retain is not so you can bring it up again, it is so you do NOT forget the lesson from it.
Time does indeed heal ALL wounds, provides valuable insight, and is a tool that you can use to help others.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I have days like that too where the overwhelming sadness of the sitch just gets to me. I grieve for what was and what has been lost.
I tell myself that was the past, and no matter how this turns out I will never be able to go back, so I start to look ahead and you know what? The possibilities are endless because I realize that I have choices. Sometimes I even feel a bit of excitement not because it is what it is, it's because it is what I make of it.
You've gotten some very good advice from the ladies and it's so valuable to find out the ways people use to cope. Thank you all from me too, as I will check into these thing as well.
Hi Mila....crying does us all good. I dont know how many times I cried while I mowed MY yard in the summers my H was gone...thinking about all the hurt and pain....and the memories. It was good for me to cry though and let it all out.
Hope you have a good week!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Mila and all the rest of you, I heard a great sermon in church this weekend and it spoke to my heart. It was a duh moment... about how the pastor had a sticking point where he had been wronged by someone but he kept thinking about it and it would constantly be in his thoughts. He finally realized that forgiveness doesn't come when you say "I forgive you" but it's a process, and for him, it took 2 years to get to that point of total releasing and letting go, of actual forgiveness.
So true, and it's something that's easy to forget. I think as women, we're so used to being the rock, the strong one in the family, we just assume that how everyone else sees us is true... and when something hits us, we think "why can't we get past this."
Hope you're feeling better today. I'm praying for you still.
SA, Kissak, M&H, CW, SCH & HB - thank you all, you are all great and you help me so much
M&H - Forgiveness is a process...there are many layers to go through...
SCH - thank you...I like the mountain climbing analogy...and it really feels like two steps forward & one step back...thanks to H flip flopping...that sure doesn't help
HB - As I'm working though my emotions I realized that it is a very necessary step to healing and to moving forward. I'm not fighting it...It's OK...I'm letting it go through me
I've examined the range of feelings that I went through over the past two days and after sorting it all out I'm ending up with love...love for my H. It's there strong and unwavering. Despite what he has done and the choices he is making, despite the hurt that he is causing.
I came to a conclusion that it doesn't matter that is not being returned by him in the way I would like it to be right now...My love will last regardless.
Forgiveness...have I forgiven him? Mostly...on my good days LOL...but still working on that one. I know that I'm trying to understand what he is going through and I know the he is in pain also. That doesn't excuse the choices he is making...free will right HB?
I think that the emotional struggle of the past two days was happening to help me clarify where I'm going next.
I've been thinking about WH, his personality and the reactions I get for different actions. He is the type of person that NEEDS to feel loved and accepted and needed...and reassured of it often...at least he used to be. When you give him the cold shoulder he feels rejected and unloved. You could say that he is emotionally needy.
That's why I'm rethinking the "being dark" idea. He is showing me caring and he wants remain in my life (in his own way right now) I'm thinking that I will get further by being there for him emotionally...go back to being his friend. I'm worried that if I cut him off he will turn more towards the OW.
Lots of people on this board have WAS that don't want to have anything to do with them and my guy is still somewhat attached to me...that has to be a good thing...something to nurture...not to kill.
He still texts me daily. Today he "liked" my comment on my Facebook....I know sometimes I feel that he just wants to have it both ways and I feel used. But maybe this is telling me how internally thorn he is and that connection between us is still pretty strong.
If I go back to being friendly I would have to put some more boundaries in so I don't feel used....
Well anyway, these are my thought today....comments or 2x4s are welcome
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
