If You Forget Me #71

[june72]

Do you feel like you are cycling up and down? Or just a straight path downward?

I do wonder if things can be unforgivable at times. And what would it take for true healing to occur.


Bottling up and suppressing is never good of course.

I guess I have to ask you.
Would ending the marriage and leaving him make you feel the "peace" you are searching for?


Just asking- I have no particular inclination as to which way you should go.


I guess- what will make you feel better.

I know it's not a "magic bullet" but something that would move you towards a positive direction.

Maybe you really don't know... what that "something" is....
maybe others here or an IC would know what that "something" is....

[flowmom]

(((Kalni)))

If I am understanding correctly that you are obsessing about xOW and the past a lot, then I really feel for you. I have been there, in a very different sitch, but I know from personal experience the poison that obsession brings.

I think you are on the right track with your recognition that this is something that your H can't "fix" for you. It's your personal responsibility to relieve yourself of this terrible suffering so that you can live in and create the present. I think you would benefit from IC. I would also recommend doing The Work...it's a very helpful process for questioning the thoughts that bring us pain.

[Lotus]

I am obsessing, I know. MAybe all this "thing" happened to teach me a lesson different from what I thought it was. Maybe I am supposed to learn that some things cant be forgiven, some loves just cant be mended or even that my love for him, isnt as big as I convienced myself it was... Maybe my "strength" has reached it's max and it still isnt enough.

Recognize this for what it is. It is negative self-talk. It will lead you to pull defeat out of the jaws of victory. You have to stop negative self-talk. it is not true. It is bad. But most of all, it is not true. So why do you tell yourself these things?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria, I was sad to read your posts and I really feel for you.

I'm glad he threw them away. If you are 'seeing someone' there are going to be gifts. It doesnt 'mean' it was this grand passion. Its just the done thing. Also, what gifts did he buy her? Do you know?

Helen got bf gifts, I found one in his BEDSIDE draw after I had moved back in, a dice s*x game. Nice. I had to tell him to throw it away! And aftershave and CD's yes. No clothes, but there are clothes he cant wear now, as she would wear his t-shirts/jumpers and I saw those photos of her in them, beaming.

Of course it hurts. I think you need to just make a decision, like a kind of pragmatic, practical decision. Yes it happened and hurts like hell... but I wanted him back, therefore, I'm just going to work on forgetting the details and feeling blessed I got my husband back. Like.. fake it till you make it ?

Just because you are fuming/hurting/resentful doesnt mean that is evidence that you dont love him as much as you thought, as you said, IMHO. The two things arent mutually exclusive. If you didnt love him so much, I guess it wouldnt hurt as much. I understand the obsession with her. Its like exorcising a demon.

I loved someone so much once, I couldnt imagine being apart from them. That burnt out in nearly 3 years and now, I literally dont want to see them ever again as long as I live. So yes, that can happen.

I believe you are 'romantiscing' their R, from the details you have. But you werent there and you werent in his heart and mind. You are seeing it from your POV, how you would feel, why you would do those things, why you would break up with someone. But you are not him and you are not a man?

[AliSuddenly]

On the face of it, she had a cosy play hour with your son in a park. She must have thought she was manouvering closer to him. But he "hated her for it". Wow. Seems to me she was slowly hammering nails into her own coffin but what a shame it took him so long to end it. Then it has taken him a LONG time to get over what he did and fully engage in family life and your R again. So all in all... a long, slow, painful trajectory. The evidence is there in that HE FINISHED WITH HER. FOR GOOD.

You have to keep reminding yourself of that. Like someone here said, she was an extension of an overall sad sitch/time in his life. You could try to take a more holistic view maybe and stop focusing on the details (they spent X number of nights together/she bought him a jumper/he took her to a villa). I just dont believe she ever made it into his soul, I dont see that he had a soul connection with her as he does with you?

Have you asked him this? And about replacing her/you etc ??

- What would you have done if I HAD moved on and didnt want you back? Would you have stayed with her? Would you be with her now?

I asked bf this, he said yes it would have gone of for a bit longer as he would have dreaded breaking up with her, hurting her and the fallout, but that trying to win me back galvinised him to do it sooner. If it wasnt for me then yes it would have limped on a few months longer but NO, he wouldnt have stayed with her. Categorically not. That did help. I am sure H would give you a similiar answer?
xx

[Kalni]

Ali, I was hoping you would post to me today. And Sara and june, flo and anyone that can lend a hand. Cause I am certainly sinking deeper and deeper...

I am making the decision and then... I cant follow through. I am boosting my own ego to think positive thoughts and focus on the good side and then I am spiralling down and I feel so desperately hopeless...

Fact is, my H is no womanizer, as FG calls him, he is a girly man. So, he WAS in love with her deeply, she did touch him in a level that was substantial, he had to fight his love for his kids to follow his love for her. So, I KNOW she wasnt a "light case" of lust or something that can be downgraded...

I dont know exactly why he felt his love for her died. He has told me, back when I found out, that he knew it was over with her and couldnt be with her no matter what would have happened with us.

But what eats me up inside is the past. The facts. It IS the fact that he chose her over me repeatedly, he found something to her that I was missing and probably still am.

All the things they did, before he moved out, were things that involved risk, planning, huge desire and will to be materialised and he did them all. So many trips, seeing her every damn night...

I've started crying again. I want to disappear. I cant believe I am allowing this to make me feel this way. AGAIN?????????

[AliSuddenly]

Ok.. you are making assumptions. You are romantiscising it because you are trying to make sense of it, I know, I do the same.. kind of.. how COULD you ?? I know my sitch wasnt as dramatic as yours, but he still made a chose to walk out on a life together and date someone else. So rationally you think how COULD you have done that? - you MUST have loved them deeply. Even more so for you because of the kids.

But I dont think it works that way. I can see how it ought to work that way, but it doesnt. You cant rationalise it. I have a slightly different perspective because I had a 2 1/2 year EA/PA yet I DID still love my bf deeply, although I tried to make bf take a new job and move away!!! Crazy.

Thats the point, A's dont make sense but you are trying to make sense of it, so you are filling in the gaps.

So, he WAS in love with her deeply, she did touch him in a level that was substantial, he had to fight his love for his kids to follow his love for her.

BUT.. he told you himself, he DIDNT love her. He told you didnt he? Do you believe him?

And it is easier for men to 'compartmentalise', so he must have been fighting his guilt yes, but men have affairs the world over because they just can compartmentalise and carry on. And when you say:

It IS the fact that he chose her over me repeatedly, he found something to her that I was missing and probably still am.

I totally understand because this is how I feel. He was 'dating' me that summer 2008, but he made a stark decision - her over me. So I asked him why he did that.

He says he has no idea! It was just a series of bad choices in those years and that she was just...different. He felt I hadnt listened to him in our R. He felt ignored. She made him feel... well you know how this works. Jody explained it me:

They dont love the person, they love how that person makes them feel in that R.

So, they dont feel useless/shamed/ignored or like they are letting the other person down. The other person hangs off their every word and cant get enough of them. They feel like a king.

Ok, maybe you were at fault a bit in your old R, maybe you got complacent or controlling etc? You said to us here that you were very strong and capable and didnt allow him to be the man, that you could be a 'bitch' at times. I know it isnt fair, why should they just have leave and not work on the R? For many complex reasons I guess and having an affair is such a cliche.. sad but true.

As Jody said, you have lost the right of exclusivity to your H. BUT, you never had it anyway, you werent virgins when you met! I reckon it would be good to pay to speak to Jody to help you at this juncture?

I'm sorry you are upset. I am upset today too! (for a different reason) xxx

[saffie]

But what eats me up inside is the past. The facts. It IS the fact that he chose her over me repeatedly, he found something to her that I was missing and probably still am.

I don't believe that. Circumstances just happened that made it easier for him AT THAT TIME to fall under the spell of another woman, ( if it hadn't beeen HER it would probably have been some other 'special person'). He needed to self soothe and bolster his self esteem. Now he seems much more self aware and much more focused on what matters.

You are like me - you are getting too hung up on the past. Yes, you need to learn from it .....but you mustn't let it destroy the chance you have now of making it work, and making it work better than before.

I grieve the lost exclusivety very much - my H and I weren't virgins when we met either, but so what. We made a promise to one another and he broke it.

Renewing our vows did help.

((((((hugs)))))))

[AliSuddenly]

Yes and I did half joke you should do that, renew your vows like Saffie! Getting M is very important to me now after what happened, really key to putting it behind us. Maybe you should consider it? The kids could be ring bearers etc, they would love it too. Healing for all the family. No rush, but maybe an option?

xxx

[Kalni]

Thank you "Angels"... Vows? I can only smile with sarcasm with that... We are not there yet, not even close...