Please help me figure out what to do about this encounter I had with my husband earlier today. I have explained my story elsewhere (don't know how to link).
Suffice it to say it's been 6 weeks since the Bomb. I have been doing my best to GAL (aka work on my stuff) and give him space. I'm far from perfect and this morning is one example. I woke up on the early side and he was already downstairs doing back exercises (stretching) and getting food together for the kids before they woke up. When I came down we chatted a bit but then he went to the office and was on his computer. I started asking him what he was reading and he was snappish with me. It put me in a bad mood - well let's be honest - it hurt my feelings. So I was rather cold for the next bit in the morning.
Then we drove our three kids to Sunday school and when we got back in the car I said something like - I don't like the way our day has been going so far. He said - 'was I mean to you this morning when I was on the computer' and I said basically yes. He said he was sorry - but then enumerated the reasons he'd behaved this way. He did this same pattern the other night and I said nothing (i.e., he apologized but then explained away his apology). So today I said - please just stop at I'm sorry otherwise it feels like you're taking away the apology. He said ok - well you did nothing wrong to provoke my behavior and I said if you don't want me to bother you in the morning just ask for that specifically and I'll be happy to accommodate - it's all in the packaging of how you say things.
Then I saw an opening - right or wrong - to go deeper. I said - (with tears) - it's hard to know where you're coming from these days because I'm in the dark. He said - you mean about how I feel and I said yes. So he was silent for a while and then he said (after I prompted him) I haven't known what to say about this but basically I have no anger towards you I'm just not feeling the way about you that I used to feel. I told him I understood this and thought our problems were due to two things - the fact that over the past 7+ years (since kids) we've done nothing for our relationship and my problems with anger (tears throughout here). He acknowledged that he knew he had his part but didn't articulate what that was at all.
I told him over the past 6 weeks I'd taken a hard look at my behavior and recognized all the damage I'd done and I apologized to him. I even alluded to a workshop I'd like to attend about my anger. I told him that I see that I need to change my behavior regardless of where things end up with us for my own sake for that of the kids. I told him my goal was also to be kind to him which I should have been all along. He thanked me for my apology and said that he didn't feel he needed to move out unless I wanted him to do so. He said our lives are so intertwined with the kids etc. and we both agreed no reason to put the kids through trauma while we're in this state of flux.
He said that prior to this he wasn't bringing up the situation because he didn't have any answers and that he had thought about our talking to someone if we couldn't talk out this issue ourselves but that now it appears we are able to talk about it so we don't need a therapist right now. I said that if we were to see a therapist I would be picky and would want to see someone who only works with couples etc. and has special training but that in general I didn't think it made sense to see someone if we both didn't want to work on the relationship.
He said that although his feelings were somewhat reminiscent of those he'd had in the past toward me he thinks this is different though he doesn't want to act on those feelings right now in case he's just in a phase (my words not his). I told him that what I've read about relationships where anger plays a big role is that the recipient often feels emotionally shut down so his feelings make sense. He corrected me and said he didn't feel emotionally shut down - I clarified that I meant with me in particular and not generally.
He said that for now he was OK watching a movie with me or TV but that he didn't want to do other things that might bring us closer. I said that I find the practice of just sitting and watching TV with him a bit depressing. He said that he used to feel that way in the past but that now that he has other things in his life he doesn't find it depressing (side note what he means here is hockey - a strange MLC? about which he has become obsessed over the past 3 months or so - prior to which he did not even know how to ice skate!)
We concluded the conversation by confirming that we are in a holding pattern - holding for what I don't know. He said so we'll continue as we are for now - nothing is changing. I corrected him and said - well I'm changing.
So now I feel just pure fear in the pit of my stomach. I know I can't change him - but it seems so silly to say I just don't want to do things that will bring us closer. If you've lost feelings for someone then what's the risk of doing things that will bring you closer? Sounds like he's willing himself to not get close to me - that is a difficult pill to swallow. What if he never comes back? What kind of thinking is this? We can't live like this forever - as roommates? How can he give up when he knows our kids and family are hanging in the balance? How do you give up without even trying?
Please help - any insights would be greatly appreciated. I know that I need to work on me - that's not in jeopardy here - but I just can't see how we can move past this point. I keep finding all of these wonderful programs for preserving marriage and we can't benefit from any of them because he is basically unwilling.
I need your words of wisdom - guidance - please!
Thank you.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry Coach - not trying to be dense but I'm not sure I get what you mean? What exactly was I supposed to validate? Or did I invalidate him in some way? I didn't argue with him about the way he wanted things to be - I apologized for my behavior. What was the step I missed?
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
I think you had a very good relationship talk. I saw a lot of positives in it. He seems to be on the fence, and you seem willing to take the first steps. So that is good, no one has their feet set in concrete.
The first thing you need to do is to follow through on the things you said you would do. Make the call today to find the anger management program and book it. He will not believe your changes unless you do them, and you do them consistently. Did you think that just saying you would change would be enough? It isn't. And it won't be. You must follow through and you must be consistent.
Can one person changing change the relationship? Yes. However, if nothing changes, then nothing changes! So you must change. You cannot stay the same, because if you are the same, then the relationship will be the same.
So, quit the negative self-talk. No point in worrying about forever when you have today to take care of. Forever will take care of itself, if you take care of today and tomorrow and the next day.
First - thank you so much for your response Lotus - I've got very few sources of feedback so this helps enormously. I guess my perspective is really skewed. I didn't see the conversation as particularly positive. Yes - he doesn't want to move out - yes there is a snowball's chance in hell (from his perspective) that this just a phase for him but basically he said he wasn't interested in doing anything to bring us closer. I just read the part of DR where MWD talks about love being a decision not a feeling and I so wished he could have read that but I wouldn't ever dream of suggesting that to him - just a fantasy. I am indeed going to move forward with the anger program - both the one I am doing on my own and the Bootcamp. Thank you for your input.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
