Allen, unfortunately my wife is not willing to see a counselor or a family therapist.
I was getting the letter of NC ready to send off to the OM and she said just send it and then she left. She may have gone to see the OM or just to talk to him on her cell phone. I have a feeling she'll be gone for quite awhile. I'm waiting till she gets back to actually send the letter or the OM will know it's from me and not her.
I received a letter from a friend from church who has been following my sitch and he says this:
--------- "It appears that you are trying to give W an ultimatum which is move out or reconcile. From a Bible perspective reconciliation comes about from a person having a changed heart or a willing heart. Reconciliation is never forced God is not interested in making us into robots He wants our hearts.
What is necessary for reconciliation to take place?
“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:11
God desires reconciliation and this cannot take place if the wife departs from her husband. Once you separate you are going to create several difficulties.
1. The children are going to be shared (tossed from one home to the other)
2. You will need a baby sitter ( added expense or being imposing for free help)
3. The chances of reconciling will be greatly lessened
4. It will open the doors for temptation for both the husband and wife
I would like to come back to some of the main points I have made before so please be patient with me. I will try a different approach which I hope will make sense.
It is my belief that your focus on the OM is understandable but let’s just for a moment say that W quits seeing and talking to him then what? So you think you have leveled the playing field but have you really? How do you solve the original problem which in some degree started this whole problem? W is unhappy with something you are doing remember she stated that “you will never change.” In order for reconciliation to take place this needs to be resolved.
I wonder if a better approach would be something like this. “W I understand that you feel that I will never change but if I was to get some counseling and if you would be patient with me I believe God can help me to change.”
This approach shows that you are willing to start the process of reconciliation you cannot throw the whole ball in her court. Marriage is a two way street. You are not totally innocent it takes both parties with willing spirits to serve and love God in order for reconciliation to take place.
The idea is to try to stay together to work out your differences.
I am trying to see this from W’s perspective and this is what I think she feels.
She feels like you are never going to change and have only proved it by spying on her, by invading her privacy by reading her emails, by dictating to her what you want her to do. All these things have only confirmed her belief that you are controlling and that you will never change which is closing the door of any hope in her mind. I think she is very unhappy in her marriage and because of this is seeking the OM for help she does not feel loved by you and now you have a broken trust. She would like to leave but does not have enough money to leave and is also torn because of the children. If I am right in my understanding of this she is suffering as much as you are. Who likes being married to a controlling person who does not listen?
Reconciliation would be the best thing but you would need someone who understands you and who can help you to see what you are doing that is alienating her affections. You both need someone who can help you work through your difficulties together. No talk no walk and talk cannot be forced you need to think of a way that would open your wife’s heart so that she will want to reconcile.
I don’t see that your ultimatum “move or reconcile” is a good approach at this time. You have to take responsibility for some of the problem and by forcing her to move out makes it appear that she is the whole problem. It is not my intent to be unkind but I think this is a more realistic view of the situation one which the forum has not addressed.
Please write me back as I need your input. I just don’t want to send this email into the air not knowing what you are thinking. We need to talk also in order to walk." ------------- To which I responded:
"I am not doing anything that merits her calling me a "control freak". It is very reasonable to expect her to not cheat on me emotionally or otherwise. If I do nothing, I am accepting the "OPEN MARRIAGE" where she treats me like dirt.
I have asked her many times what I can do to change and basically there is nothing I can do. She has stated that she is not attracted to me, she is not in love with me, never was, and never can or will be. I am not pursuing her - I have been leaving her alone. She has been very unwilling to work with me. I have learned that if I try to be affectionate, it backfires.
What can I possibly change? She will not tell me. I do not have an addiction of any sort. She keeps referring back to problems we had years ago. I am open minded and willing to listen. I am not invading her privacy anymore. What more could she ask? Is it not reasonable to expect that your spouse not have an affair? I believe that I must take some form of action as do the people on the forum. It is my only chance."
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
