I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

Thanks Eric. I do love him. Even though it was nearly impossible to live with him, I always have.

I hate the thought that something I'm going to do now is going to cause him further grief--but everything I did before caused him grief, so what's the difference? Except that now I know that it's not my problem, and if he's going to be angry with me, then at least I can make the best life possible for me & the kids for him to be mad at.

I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't when it comes to him.

I will admit that completely dropping the rope is a terrifying thought. It's not the same as giving up on him. It just feels like it right now.


I was cleaning the closet and found the scarf I'd knitted him a few years ago. It made me cry. I folded it up and put it in the box with the rest of his stuff. Part of me wants to keep it. Not the smart part of me, I'm guessing.



btw--My parents are taking the boys to the races after all since I"m on low census time tomorrow & won't be working. So H didn't really get to throw a wrench in the plans, if that was in fact his goal. S6 is feeling much better, thank you all very much. He's such a sweetie.

[JacT]

Shel I will tell you what a sad moo I am.I found a dirty sock ina cupboard and wanted to keep that...!!!!Its part of the journey.
Gld you are GAL and encouraging your Papa to do the same!! bet he could show us all a thing or two!
I have five cats all chocolate names,Bounty,Fudge,Rolo, Wispa and Galaxy.They are house cats 2 blues, blue cream,silver tabby and a moggy.(and 2 dogs cavalier spaniels Toby/Troy).
Mad house....(((hugs))) keep going your doin a good job.

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I hate the thought that something I'm going to do now is going to cause him further grief

Then don't do it. Shelbel you do not need to do anything right now. I may be misinterpreting this but it sounds like you have already committed yourself to a D. If this is indeed the case then WHY? Can I ask what is the harm in waiting? What is the harm in giving him and YOURSELF the time to work on both of your issues? Time my friend is on YOUR side. It may not seem like it now but it really is.

Except that now I know that it's not my problem

Good so now that you know it is not your problem what exactly are you going to do?

Eric

[beingreal]

I may be misinterpreting this but it sounds like you have already committed yourself to a D. If this is indeed the case then WHY? Can I ask what is the harm in waiting? What is the harm in giving him and YOURSELF the time to work on both of your issues? Time my friend is on YOUR side. It may not seem like it now but it really is.

No, I'm not committed to a D. Although I do feel like I need to be committed. lol. I wonder if there is actually a way out of this while staying M, right now it doesn't look like it, not on his part anyway. I could be wrong, it's just hard to imagine that he's ever going to feel anything other than hate for me.

Of course, if you'd have told me five years ago we'd be where we are right now I'd have laughed at you. Not us!! But here we are. I also know that most of the anger he's directing at me isn't because of me, they are his issues. It is just so hard to believe that he'll ever get past this.

Then don't do it.

I'm not doing anything intentionally to tick him off or make him feel bad, but that is going to be the case *no matter* what I do. So I might as well do whatever benefits me. I still hate that he's going to feel bad. I hate that he's hurting so much. I hate that he "hates" me (even though I know better--he's still acting like it).

Waffle much?



I did talk to his mom last night, S8 wanted to tell H about the races and Milo--but he wasn't there. She mentioned that H had wondered aloud if I had decided not to let the kids call after all anymore--they hadn't called him (except for a few minutes last night). I told her that he had told me to stop calling for them, he'd call us when he could! She just sighed & said, "I believe that. You know him." Not that he was being malicious & trying to make me out to be the bad guy, but rather that he'll say something, and then is surprised when it comes to fruition.

I'm still cycling through extreme sadness to anger and back again, hitting every emotion in between. It's exhausting.

Last night was fun. I knew Poppa was having fun when he started singing along. I was surprised at how many *young* people were in the audience...meaning, younger than me. lol! Amazing musicians, wonderful dinner & some time spent with my Poppa. He was so chatty last night--I don't think he's said that much to me in all my years combined.

Even with his terribly broken English (it's getting worse the older he gets) he still managed to tell me that H was a "no-good, lazy son-of-a-gun". That hurt, but I managed to save my tears until after he was out of the car. He just loves me & my kids so much, he's furious with H. I can understand that. But still...



A co-worker was telling me about her 39 year old brother--he's been married for 19 years, has two kids who are almost out of high school, and has been a cop for 15 years. He moved out of his house, left his "crazy" wife, and has been dating some 20 year old former crack-head who works at a gas station. I tried telling her that he's probably going through a MLC. She said she didn't believe in them--her brother just needed to pull his head out of his a$$.

Yeah, that too. I hate feeling this way--but at least I have this place & you guys to help me make sense of it all. I can't even imagine what kind of shape I'd be in if I hadn't been clued in. I hope you guys don't mind that I don't post too much on other people's threads yet--I really don't think I've got anything to add right now. But I am reading. And reading. And reading.


I'm off to FLYlady my house ( www.flylady.com for anyone who needs that little extra help organizing your home & your life--she's so wonderful!! And it's free.), make a menu for the week & go grocery shopping. That should take my mind off of this for a little while.

See you guys soon. And thanks again. It's nice to have people who *get it*.

[cat04]

Shel,

You have a sense of humor. That will get you far in this…

I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't when it comes to him.

I will admit that completely dropping the rope is a terrifying thought. It's not the same as giving up on him. It just feels like it right now.

I am glad that you recognize all of this.

Dropping the rope, letting go, detatching, moving forward…are NOT synonomous with giving up.

Simply giving up control.

I do have a question though...as I was talking to my mom (who, I do realize, is not a good source of advice), she suggested that my being just fine & surviving without him will just help in making him angry and pushing him away further. He didn't feel like I needed him when he was here, and now nothing has changed since he's left & I'm still just as independent, thus proving his point that I didn't need him or want him. Seeing as how one of his biggest complaints (to me) was that I didn't do anything like clean the house or take care of the kids & treated him like a housekeeper/babysitter.

So do you think you should get all weak and needy and maybe that will wake him up?

Shel, you have to not only survive this but THRIVE through it. Regardless of how he reacts to it…

Being the White Knight…

Gets old after a while…

I'm still cycling through extreme sadness to anger and back again, hitting every emotion in between. It's exhausting….


…She said she didn't believe in them--her brother just needed to pull his head out of his a$$.

All valid feelings Shel.

Believe me, more than once we have all felt like simply saying that…get your head out of you’re a$$...

Doesn’t work though..

Hang in there…

[beingreal]

I really am going to throw up.


I feel a near anxiety attack coming on--at least I think so, I've never had one. Maybe just a crying jag with some shaking hands. And not a beer or bottle of wine in the whole house. I guess some green tea will have to suffice.

S8 called him tonight, and again asked him to come see the new kitten. H told him that he couldn't, he belonged to *us*, but he'd see him in pictures. Asshat.

I told S8 later, and gently, that he needed to stop asking H to come visit us. He's like the kitten, the more you invite him, the less he's going to want to visit. I shouldn't have to say things like that to his son.

Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of the day we met. Our *May Day* celebration. More like "Mayday! Mayday!!" this year. I never thought we'd be here.

He's breaking my heart.

IhatehimIhatehimIhatehim.

[beingreal]

Oh, yeah...thank you to everyone who has posted to me. I do appreciate it.

[beingreal]

Much better this morning. Ten years ago I met the love of my life, married & had three beautiful children. There is nothing sad about today--I wouldn't have traded any of this.

I need to start acting as if the man I love is dead and gone. In a way he is.

(and has returned as some crazy-eyed zombie a la "Pet Semetary"--but that's another thread)


I can't sit around wondering if he's ever going to come to his senses. If someone I loved had died, I wouldn't be sitting around wondering when their spirit might make contact with me. I would have to have faith that they loved me, even if they didn't have the chance to say it at the end. I would know that I loved them, and probably always will, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for some sign from the great beyond that they still loved me, too.

I can't sit around waiting on ghosts.

Not the ghost of the man my H used to be. Not the ghost of my former M.

I just can't.




Last night I bought tickets for the two older boys & me for the off Broadway summer production of "Suessical". I made a reservation for our trip to a water park that S8 had won in a raffle at school. It was supposed to be with all of us, but my parents are coming instead. It would have been fun if H had been able to come with us--and we will miss him. But I can't let life stop for any of us because he no longer wants to be in it.

We're not waiting for ghosts.


I have a lot to do today--my father is coming to install pantry shelves, I have furnace filters to change & walls to spackle so I can paint. This weekend I'm working in the landscaping if it's not raining & painting *something* if it is.

I might still miss him, I might still love him, but I'm not waiting for him to come back before I make our life great again.


I have extra putty knives if anyone is bored today.

[beingreal]

So do you think you should get all weak and needy and maybe that will wake him up?

Oh, Dear Lord, no.

I wouldn't be able to stand myself if I did.

[SecondChance]

Hi Shelbel,

Just stopping by to say hi.
You make a lot of sense, to me!

Seems like we are in similar time-lines in our types of reactions, though mine has been out of the house since last summer.

I was especially struck by the line above, about the cop who left his "crazy" wife. I think alot of them try to tell others that their wives were crazy, so they had to leave. Mine did. But not very many people ended up believing him, because I'm so totally not!

Though his family ironically did, he campaigned them for the last few years, I guess to try to get more attention or sympathy or something. Mine even went to see a D lawyer a couple of years ago that specializes in getting your spouse labelled as crazy so you can take the kids. They turned him away. I hate him for that. The more time that passes, the more I see just how awful he has been. Yuck.