I met Dan in when we were in band together in junior high! Don't think that is going to be the case this time around...
Just covered a slow 8.8 miles on the treadmill. Took me an hour and 50 minutes--ugh! I want to be able to cover 8 miles in 90 minutes, which means it took me 20 minutes too long. Ugh! But at least I kept going, at mile 4 I was so ready to be done...
First, you take away my loving husband, my partner, my friend
Then, you take away my kids half the time.
I get to hear my daughter ask when she can have a mommy night, and I get to feel it when she wraps her arms around me at school and doesn't want to let go bc she misses me.
I get to hear my son ask if we can please just flop out a blanket and cuddle on the floor when he gets to come back to our house, bc he misses me.
And yet YOU tell ME that I may be the most selfish person you have ever met? And you have the audacity/immaturity to text me last week that you really don't like me, in fact you hate me for doing this to the kids?
In the words of a friend,
Eff ME?
No, Eff YOU.
OK typed it here so I don't text it...rough evening obv.
What would be so bad about texting that to him? Seems like it would fall under the category of Do Something Different. Boundary setting. At the very least he might think twice before he does something ignorant again.
How many times have you bent over backwards and been accommodating? I think the boy needs a 2x4 bashed over his head, 'cause he's still treating you like you're married and give a snot what he thinks about you.
I vote for saying some version of what you wrote here. Not for any other reason but that you speak up for yourself, set a boundary, and stop silently taking his crap.
The way your H acts, you'd think he was up there on a cross himself being the martyr of the world. Sheesh.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Dont send him that. Just let it be how you feel. It does not help going forward as two people trying to coparent peacefully.
I've felt the same urges to "speak my mind". Every interaction with Ed and my very selfish ex wife is a test in maintaining calmness.
BTW... Everything I have ever read that you have written does not show a woman with any selfishness. Maybe just one case of lack of judgment in kissing a guy that made you throw up.
He views me as selfish bc he thinks I did not support his cattle endeavors enough until it was 'too little, too late' for him. And in the beginning I admit I treated it like a hobby that was draining our finances instead of as a business venture. I know that people who own their own businesses LOSE money in the beginning, 99% of the time.
However I also saw him refusing to set a budget with me to work on our money as a team. He spent on what he wanted, when he wanted, and was not showing himself dedicated to saving money to put toward his cattle dream. How much of that stripper money and ow money spent on dinners drinks and hotels could have been bolstering his cattle fund??
I questioned his financial decisions and asked him to communicate with me more in terms of "What are your plans for the business? Where is that money going to come from? What are you willing to cut back on to make it happen?"
And THAT is when he turned away from me permanently. I didn't just blindly support him so he decided that I had betrayed him horribly, he couldn't trust me, I was selfish, bc after all he was doing all this hard work to make money for ME to stay at home with the kids. SO I got MY dream and I didn't let him get his....that's his story and he's sticking to it.
And I don't want to go on that date. 2x4 me, 4x4 me, whatever. Other than checking out a hot body I don't see what I stand to gain from going, we have nothing in common at all.
I have obviously got some serious issues of my own to work on. I need to find a way to let go of the dream I had for my marriage and my family.
I cried through church today. Dan was there w/the kids, they sat w/me and he cried too. There was a visiting musical group today, very good bluegrass type stuff. The first thing they did was "I'll Fly Away"...
That is the song Dan's grandma had played at her funeral. That was the last time WE were a WE. I stuck by his side through her sudden death and her funeral, but three months later the farm went up for sale and that is when I committed the ultimate betrayal for him in asking how we could afford to buy a piece of it...six weeks after that he was sleeping with OW.
So Dan cried bc of his grandma and I cried bc it was our last time together as a family. Nathan looked sad bc his daddy used to sing him that at night when we lived together and he never liked it bc it talks about dying and going away, so Dan stopped singing it to him.
This family was amazing, they had 5 of their 8 kids there, all in the family music biz. They talked about a charitable group to support orphans and one of the kids sang a song about a little girl who goes to sleep at night dreaming of having a mommy and daddy. And here my kids have a mom and dad who could be with them all the time but he is too damn prideful and stubborn and selfish to make it happen.
Ugh.
Also I need to check w/my neurologist. I called to refill my meds since my headache came back and I didn't get Cymbalta I got something else I haven't had before...I took it anyway the last two days and I feel like crying all the time?? Will call her tomorrow...
Please don't beat on me too much about this post. I know I 'should' be further along but I am not...
There is no "should" be. You are where you are. There's no reason for you to go on a date with someone you don't think you'd be interested in. You don't have to go on a date this week, this month, or this year. I know, you want to have a companion, you want a partner. And I don't have any doubt that you will have that. But remember, you are special! And you can be picky! And there's no timetable that you have to stick to!
Reading your summary of your "selfishness"... it's pretty obvious that Dan was the selfish one, isn't it? You would have worked with him to reach his dreams. He didn't want to do it as a team. It wasn't you at all. When I don't get my way, I know my first reaction is to go find a bimbo to sleep with....
he is too damn prideful and stubborn and selfish to make it happen.
This is not a 2x4 but if you do want to get further along, this is the line of thinking that you need to concetrate on changing.
You are not divorced because of his pride sis. Or because he is stubborn. It is not that simple. It is much worse than that. You are waaaay too easy on him.
Crying is like a valve, helps let some pressure out. Hugs K
